Online talk with a childhood friend. in General musings

J: Hi...how are you? FRIEND: Hi J! How are you? I have a cold but other than that ...hanging in there. J: Sorry about cold..but glad you're ok FRIEND: Thanks. What's up with you? J: oh..recovering from breaking up - hopefully for the last time in this lifetime! with F FRIEND: Oh I am sorry. I hope you will feel stronger soon. J: its ok..was only 3months this time.. J: and I think I've finally realized I've been holding on the the "dream him" from our twenties.. J: instead of the miserable man he has become FRIEND: Yes but when your heart is broken it can take longer to heal. But it sounds like you have gained some wisdom. J: i dont know if I'm that heartbroken..he was honest for once in his life and just told me, he loves me but is not "in love" with me... J: and truly, he has the most miserable life, and I don't think I could have actually lived that way... J: and Hub has again stood by me through all this..and I have to look at why I reject his love.. J: like I don' think I deserve it...felt like I deserved the crap I got from F J: and I was putting way too much emphasis on sex...and it is not as big a part of the picture as it was... J: although I would like Hub and I to get some coucelling in that area since we haven't had sex in over a decade FRIEND: You really have gained a lot of wisdom! If you want to explore why you have made the choices that you did make, you must look in your past for the answers. Most of our long term issues stem from our childhoods. J: Ive been told that it stems back to my father's rejection..and how I look for men who withhold J: and F's main trick was also trying to get me to hate Hub..out of jealousy or envy... FRIEND: sounds like that makes some sense. It is when we learn to love ourselves that things start to change. J: so my first instincts were to leave Hub..then I thought, well, maybe that is from the "poison" I have been being fed about him FRIEND: You need to put J first and for most. Hub really does love you. You have a beautiful home and this man has stood beside you through thick and thin. Many people go through a lifetime and not have what you do. J: I know..and I am trying to accept that and come to terms with it...but i am pretty sure I am "over" F, and I could never say that before in 30 years FRIEND: You should celebrate that! J: I met his half-sister and we liked each other and even she told me he is very screwed up and I deserve much better! J: yes..I have not really been crying..except when I think about Hub.. J: which is weird. FRIEND: F must have had a really screwed up childhood. And you are now in a place where you can see Hub for who he really is. J: he did..his father was abusive and he has never really mentally or emotionally dealt with it..his parents marriage was perfect in his mind...he is still 17 emotionally and mentally in so many ways J: and it is exhausting.. J: and he is abusive..he was being very careful this last time not to be...but it snuck in... J: he was making me feel like he was still young and I was an old lady.. J: and it was like he was trying to talk himself into being with me...even physically..and we'd never been like that before FRIEND: That is really so sad. He has wasted almost his entire life. ANd he hasn't learned anything. J: he is still looking for teenage love...he thinks the infatuation stage is how it should be always and he leaves when its over J: he is going to die sad and alone, but I can't make that my issue FRIEND: And you have to see yourself as worthy of love. You need to start loving yourself. ANd then you can make choices that are good for you. You are just starting on this path. At most, you can feel sorry for F. You have said it best, he will die alone and sad. J: thank you for listening... J: there are not many people who know... J: thankfully... FRIEND: Of course! I'm always here for you. I know you still must be hurting. Just know that I am here for you. J: Thank you...how are things going for you and your husband? FRIEND: Great. We had our rough patches but we worked things out. He is such a good man. And he has stood by me while I struggle with my health. J: I feel the same about Hub...he is really a good man in so many ways...and always puts me first, even in this situation...he let me leave for days at a time to be with F... J: he said he was just giving F enough rope to hang himself.. FRIEND: You are really very blessed. I can't think of anyone else who would allow or put up with this. J: I know... J: I gave Hub a card last night when he came home, saying I love him and want to work on our marriage...he burst into tears hugging me FRIEND: Awe! Now you have the rest of your lives to appreciate and love each other! J: I hope so FRIEND: You can make this a new "anniversary"! Celebrate each other! Love each other! ANd be thankful that you have this time together. J: thanks again... FRIEND: For what? J: listening and helping me see things clearer J: F has never done anything but insult and belittle Hub and make me feel like I had settled... J: he pulled all kinds of stunts to get me to hurt Hub J: left me with a lot of bad feelings about my marriage and Hub FRIEND: You did all it all alone. You were able to see things the way they really are. . Yes, F manipulated you and used you. And you made decision that hurt you and Hub. But you know better now and you can make the rest of your lives the BEST EVER! J: you know whats funny? One of the main things he was using me for this time was to fix up his house! He liked my house so much and wanted me to re-do his with him.. J: he even said he "could have waited til the house was done" before telling me it wasn't going to happen with us. J: Ive never been "used" for decorating before..;-) FRIEND: Best to try to leave the memories back in your past and start living in the present moment. J: yes..its a little tricky at the moment..he used to call or text me every 15 mins during the day... J: which was actually driving me crazy...ran up the cell bill..Hub said it was like dealing with 15 yr olds FRIEND: Block his phone number or change yours. That "man" just used you for all your worth. J: I don't think he'll be calling...and this time I don't feel like I should totally shut him out..that has just made me "long" for him in the past...this time I told him (after time has passed) that we can be friends...I think that is "safer"...if I talk to him dispassionately, which I can now, I will think of all the things that disgust me... J: if i shut him out he becomes "fantasy F" again.. J: it makes sense in a weird way...If I told you about his lifestyle..his filthy dark cold house...his trailer park friends...if I keep all that in mind I know I won't think about going back... J: and the way he disparages everything I like and want to do..calling it what "old people" do.. FRIEND: Just make sure you keep your distance from him. He sounds absolutely miserable. And don't waste you time or energy thinking about him. Move on with your life. You have so much to look forward to! J: I hope we will be getting down to your town one of these days...and can see you! FRIEND: We would love to see you! Just let me know when you are making plans to come down here! J: I will! Feel better with your cold..and I hope to see you soon! FRIEND: Thanks. Take good care of yourself and Hub. J: thank you. FRIEND: Bye...and stay strong! J: I will