Oh My Goth in Every day scata

1/29/21
8:57 pm

I originally started this entry around 2 pm, but then I developed pain brain and couldn’t concentrate.

That being said, this entry will probably be all over the damn place.

Wait. I need coffee.

ok. So. I know I keep saying I need to spend more time here and never do, but writing here, or working on my story is part of my “wellness journey”.

What is this stupid wellness journey thing? Well, I gained back all the weight I worked so hard to lose. I knew I was gaining, but did absolutely nothing to fix the problem. Even though the pandemic didn’t affect me to the extreme it did for so many others, it affected me mentally and I sank down into my hole of depression and numbness. Life in general didn’t help. I’m so pissed off at myself for letting it get so bad.

I refuse to call it a diet because it isn’t. I have to change my mindset again, which as you know, is super hard to do. Especially with mental illness. So fucking easy to slip, y’know? But I have a lot to keep myself busy if I don’t … “freeze” like I do. I’ve developed this problem of looking at everyfuckingthing as a huge task and get overwhelmed. I know some of it is my BP/BP depression, and ADHD. “Executive dysfunction” is the proper term for it. It sucks. Some is anxiety and blowing things out of proportion. Some is laziness, I admit that, too. And, some is being a perfectionist. If I can’t do it perfectly, I don’t do it at all.

So so this week I started this… journey. lol it lasted one fucking day. Wednesday I did well. I ate right, tried to use the elliptical, drank the proper amount of water. Then the shit hit the fan yesterday. lol but, while talking to Doc about my weight gain etc, her kids were listening in. Kids just don’t miss a thing! Well, I wanted to try the spicy Chex mix they had and her daughter said to me “You’re not supposed to be eating that. You said you can’t!” LOL I told her that she was right, and thanked her for reminding me lol.

I also found out that I cannot use the elliptical with my back problems. That really sucks because it works well for toning up and all that. I only did 5 minutes on it (I know I have to go wicked slow due to being so fucking out of shape) and was dying yesterday. Yeah, I’ll try again tomorrow. I don’t have major cleaning to do Sunday, so hopefully I won’t die.

I used to wear a fitbit because it keeps me on track, but the one I have got a bit glitchy, and now I can’t find the feckin’ charger. I ordered a new charger, and I’m hoping that the fitbit will work. If not, I’m SOL until business picks back up. I can’t do the phone in the pocket thing because I sometimes take the phone out of my pocket when I’m cleaning bathrooms. Sure as hell don’t want to dump the phone in the toilet.

Picking my hobbies back up is another thing I need to do. I failed on sending Zmas cards this year, and I’m having a hard time making out the heart day cards now (I promise, I’ll make a few out after this). I’ve stopped coloring completely. That’s the perfectionist thing getting in the way. I started a mandala many moons ago, and I’m not even halfway done. I made it difficult by using ballpoint pens. Not the greatest media to color with. Don’t ask. I have no idea. I think if I set an alarm on my phone to take a “coloring break” like I used to I can get back into it.

And I started writing a story maaany many many moons ago that I got stuck on. Again, perfectionist problem. I wrote a part I didn’t like, deleted it, and my brain said “don’t bother because you won’t get it right”.

Feh.

I do have a couple of new housekeeping clients, and doggo sitting is starting to pick up a teeny bit. I know once people start getting vaccinated it will get a little better. Buuut, I hope to gawd people don’t get stupid… er. More stupid. I can see people ditching masks just because they had the vax. ::sigh::

The Cult has seriously taken off. Not sure if I mentioned that already. We have over 1k members, and I started the group June 7th. It’s an 18+ group, so I’m missing out on the babybat Snaccs. I don’t wanna be a babysitter, though. I see what goes on in Jake’s Discord and it’s a freaking train wreck.

Jake’s channel has totally taken off, too, and I’m so jazzed about it. When I started following him, he had about 100k subscribers. He hit 400k last week, and I think he gained another 10k in just a few days :) Connor and Lynn, hit 5k subscribers this week after being stuck at about 2k for months (they weren’t posting due to the pandemic. Ireland has the toughest lockdown I’ve seen). Oh! Connor is Munro’s keyboardist. Lynn is his girlfriend. They are so so sweet, and just beautiful people.

I made A the Mod, A the admin, seeing that she is very task oriented and is a bigger Jake and Kaya fan than I am. She keeps things running smoothly. Very business like. Had to let one Mod go because life got in the way… I worry about her, though. When we let her go, we finally got a male to agree to being a Mod. We were all worried that if a guy had a problem, they wouldn’t talk to a woman about it, y’know? V is a really nice guy. Oh and he’s my “accountability partner” on this… silly journey of mine. I’m hoping it will help him, too.

… I think that’s all right now. I need to get working on those cards.

See ya!