Self Knowledge is Hard in Journal

I surround myself with ineffective, harmless people. I realized that about my long time best friend of 15+ years, the other weak. And I’m realizing this about my husband, too.
BUT. I am changing. I am no longer O-kay with helpless people. As I re-parent all those vulnerable, lost, hurt and burdened parts of my childhood self, I am beginning to refuse dependency. I am starting to despise lack of power, and most notably, lack of protection for the vulnerable.
My son is just in an infant. He is so exquisitely tuned to the emotional and energetic goings on around him that, I know that he is influenced by the brutal bullying of his father. I can shield him only so much. I am so remiss that I am learning about the things that matter, now, when it is too late to change it. Now, when I am locked into this fate of damage control and catch-up.

I have been hostile toward effective people. Because I was left unprotected, I developed my own way of ensuring my survival. Which was, alas, to distance myself or at least keep a wary eye on anyone capable of harming me. I had zero trust. So I was not capable of collaboration with highly effective people. I was just perpetually suspicious of them. They had the capacity to hurt me. I had to prevent them from doing so.
This is a very primitive reaction. I haven’t quite connected with it yet, but I surmise that it was developed quite early in my life. Probably infancy or toddlerhood. I was already displaying entrenched behavior of this by 7 years old, so it was very early.

On a more positive note; I have made new friends, recently. Friends who are effective people. Friends that I can trust, lean on, learn from. And quite honestly, I do have great reasons to protect myself from them in certain ways, but my competence and discernment can do that for me. I no longer need to project a hostile intent onto them in order to remain safe.