Dismayed in Journal

Judo has been out for a long while. Since Covid hit. My local club was so much fun. I mean… to me it was one of the only things that really consistently gave me joy. And company.
Yesterday, I felt literally crushed when the club opened again.... and I found out via a random pic on social media. I had no idea it was reopening. No one called. No one texted or invited me. I reflexively checked the group page, thinking that I must’ve missed the post or the invite. Nope. There was none. I checked my messages. Nothing.
And that crushing blow of… what is this? I feel so small, like I’m forever sinking and shrinking at the same time, my insides feel dead and heavy. It’s like… I’m invisible. I don’t really exist. Everyone else in the club… even people who hadn’t been around for months or years before me… they were there, they exist.
But I don’t.