On Hallucinations. in Whey and Sonic Screwdrivers.

I only got two hours of sleep last night; at least I feel a little better than yesterday. Wasn’t for lack of trying. Got up for an hour in the middle of the night, as I was wide awake and felt just a touch of anxiety. Then went back to bed.

By the time this happened, I was mostly relaxed. Physically disconnected and mostly mentally vacant. Like prostrate meditation.

I heard three knocks on the door. I had a deep inhalation, followed by a jump in heartrate. It was 6 am.

Thing is, it wasn’t real, and I immediately knew it wasn’t real.

With all my PTSD and mental illness since my trauma, hallucinating is one of the things I’ve been kind of discounting. Because “only the insane hallucinate”. As well, I always know these things aren’t real. The truly insane can’t tell the difference between reality and fantasy. But, well, coupled with my emotional instability and flashbacks, I’m not entirely fully sane. Given that I developed a split personality in the shellshocked wake, maybe I did momentarily go insane.

Of course, being able to articulate this discounts full insanity.

I just want to get through this day. If I feel okay enough mentally/emotionally, I’ll take some sleep aids tonight. I’m hesitant, as last time I did, the third dream was vivid and effectively ended as a nightmare. Nobody wants to be startled awake by a cobra.

Send me love for my broken soul. Someday I’ll find hope I can find a “new normal”.

Last updated January 18, 2021