It Could Have All Crashed Today in Hello

About a week ago I had a really bad dream involving good old dead relatives and me not being sober. It hit me so much that at class the following day I asked one of my buddies to bring his weed so we could smoke because I just couldn't shake the feeling off. Well...two days later I'm off for the weekend for work and I go to see him to buy some. I smoked all week. Melissa eventually found out and was ok with it, as I said this is only a little treat or what have you for myself.

Friday I get home from work...the house was broken into again. This time no police to catch the guys. So long Playstation 3, Grand Theft Auto's 4 and 5, Just Cause 2, and Heavy Rain! It was fun playing you guys when I had the opportunity. I'm bummed about it all weekend. Good thing they didn't grab my weed, I mused. I stayed stoned Saturday and Sunday. Most of Easter I stayed high and kept consuming large amounts of food and candy. I've put on some weight since I've stopped smoking cigarettes when I got sick at the end of last month. Last night before cooking dinner I finished off the last of the smoke.

I woke up today feeling dead inside. Bad train of thought? I thought about my dead dad some? Or the fact that I knew when I got home I could have nothing to alter my mind with? Kind of a crappy day at work? I've been in a depressed and foul state all day.

Man...all I could think about is/was drinking. How good a shot of whiskey chased with a tall ice cold Guinness Or Miller. Or The Beast. Some form of intoxicant into my system. Even thought of calling up someone for more pot. I've been very moody today. Off kilter and fucking crazy.

Friday night when Melissa came over I didn't want to sleep in my room. Felt dirty. Tarnished even. We ended up watching Django Unchained and 7 Psychopaths in the living room till I fell asleep on her. Literally. Apparently on her shoulder and was snoring pretty good till she made me go to bed.

Case in point. It's almost 1 AM now. I've not been up no later than midnight since I've started my job. I've been up since 5:30 AM and I really don't feel like going to bed even though I am tired.

I really don't feel like going to class in the morning because this semester has been the biggest joke so far. My Mastercam 7 books still lay untouched and shrink wrapped in my room. And there are only two classes left in the semester...

If anything...I just want to lay in bed tomorrow from sun up to sun down.

Turn the phone off.

Keep the fan running.

Alone and away from the world...

I wanted to drink so bad today...but I didn't.

New day starting...188 Days sober as of 4/22/14

I'm not going to get high anymore. If the after effects are a full blown drink craving and/or a full few days of depression...I don't want to come off preachy but shit...I know there are going to be hard days...I just hope I can learn to cope.

Last updated April 21, 2014