Change the Calendar. in Whey and Sonic Screwdrivers.

All this writing and introspection will only get me so far.

Finally put up my 2021 calendar. Occurred to me that seeing it was reminding me of how almost every day of December was horrible. As if living in the past. The new Calendar is large and clean. A clean slate.

I have to start anew.

A few days ago, I got the idea to write out a daily routine. Hour by hour or some, with some wiggle room. I realize now that such an idea would be doomed to failure. My motivation is already in the tank, and trying to reach such high standards would stress me.

So. I have three babysteps.

A: Wear pants when at home, except nearing bedtime. Wearing pajama pants puts us all in lazy-mode. But if I’m already wearing pants, it’s one step away (shoes) from getting the mail, or hitting the gym. Puts me in a different headspace. Speaking of…

2: Gym. I’m a former gymrat, and part of why I haven’t been going is personal hygiene. I showered today for the first time in too long, so I’ve given myself a chance to succeed tomorrow. Thing is, I always shower at the gym after a workout. So, if I gym, I’ll shower. And if I shower, I’m more likely to gym. A cycle of positive activity. And if I’m showered, I’m more likely to do OTHER things.

D: AA meetings. I really don’t want this dry streak to end. And while support groups for my trauma on Dec 21 would be nice, my emotions can to be addressed in other ways. Any serious drinker knows that you can pay for it emotionally when you stop. After Wife leaving me and my recent trauma, it is BAD when I stop. And frankly, talking about the trauma still causes flashbacks and effects my mood negatively. But otherwise, I lack social interaction.

I want to be happy again. I know latent depression will always be there, but I do remember times in my life when the happiness outweighed the “what am I going to do with my life” moments? Won’t forget being mid-twenties, and just babbling on about myself with a FWB about me.

I know I won’t be the same. We never are. We can’t turn the clock. But I want to move forward, somehow. It’s not as simple as flipping a switch. It never is. It’s never overnight.

There will be setbacks. But I want to TRY. I swear, despite how much my life has fallen apart, I want to try. (Or try BECAUSE it fell apart.)

PS: I haven’t had a hug since September.