Where's the crystal ball? in Since OD is shutting down....

So I’ve been talking to this guy since last Friday. I feel like we really like each other and hit it off like I never have with anyone before. He’s got 2 kids and lives in the same town as me. He was married for about 10 years where his wife cheated on him so they split up. He pays a crazy amount in CS and only gets his kids when she wants a break. I have met up with him a couple of times and took my daughter with where I stood outside the car to talk to him and then I got sick a couple of nights ago. He seems like he doesn’t really want to hang out unless we’re going to smash and doesn’t really make a lot of effort to even talk on the phone. I try and think like he has been single for a long ass time and he’s a guy so he’s going to have that sex drive and since we just met, maybe he’s just not thinking about making more effort but I’m not going to stick around waiting for it to change or tell him what the issues are.

I went through this about 8 years ago with another guy that never made any effort until I’d block him on all platforms and then he would just randomly show up at my house. He was the same way where it was push and pull type shit. I’ve already been through this ringer and I’ll be damned if I ever go through it again. I have been through so much for the past 4 years with being abandoned while I was pregnant and now raising a child on my own that I’m not going to waste my time never being a priority with someone that just says what I want to hear so I stick around.

Honestly, I am probably going to be single for the rest of my life because I don’t think there’s a man alive that will ever treat me like I deserve or give me what I need. I just need time, attention, and effort but that’s just too much for most dudes. I think most guys just want to tell you what you want to hear and they aren’t into anything but getting their dick wet. I’m a sexual being and have needs as well but I just want this guy to be honest and say that’s all he’s looking for. The first day we started talking he said he’s looking for a relationship and wants to get married again but I haven’t seen proof of that. He makes it seem like we can’t even hang out unless he’s going to get sex. Why can’t we just get to know each other and if it progresses then we can take it there?!

My problem is as much as I want sex too, by the end of the day I am so tired from taking care of a kid and stressing about everything on the fucking planet that I’m just not interested. I asked him the other night if he wanted to come cuddle and he responded with, “I wanna fuck” so I just quit responding and went to bed.

I just want to know why God keeps putting shitty ass people in my life. Lord, have mercy! I’ve been through enough! I honestly feel like I’m a shell of a person, I have zero confidence being told how ugly and disgusting I am and don’t feel good about myself because I don’t have a job and now this?! I’m seriously about ready to just break my damn phone and just lock myself into my apartment and never leave!

So yeah, about my job situation. I’m back to the fucking drawing board. I’m not sure where to even apply anymore because I just can’t find anything online that I could see myself doing for any length of time. I am honestly just so depressed over this. I honestly don’t know where to go from here. My last job really took a toll on me and I think I’ve developed PTSD from that place. I still have flashbacks and sometimes lay in my bed still remembering the way I was treated for 7 years and I don’t think I’ll ever get over it.

I’m scared I’m always going to be alone. I’m scared that I’ll never move away from this place that’s made me absolutely miserable. I’m scared I’ll always be a single Mom. I’m scared I’ll never lose weight and be able to feel good about myself. I’m scared I’m going to keep getting used and my heart broken. I’m scared my daughter will resent having just me. I’m scared that I’m never going to be completely happy. I’m scared I’m gonna always chase people that don’t give a damn about me.