January 4, 2021 in In My World

Before I went to sleep, Protector rolled over and put his arms around me which helped me fall asleep pretty quick. I slept like absolute shit last night. I woke up at like 3:20 after not falling asleep until almost 2. despite my best efforts, I just couldn’t fall asleep again. I’m so very tired and I’m hoping today goes by quickly because I don’t know if I can handle a long one. That said, I do have a bang with me. Candy, too, if I need the sugar-shock (as if that actually works on my ADHD self). I go back to work today for the first time since, like, March 16th, I think. I’m really fucking anxious, nervous, and excited about it, though. 12 more minutes until I have to go in. I’m really, really anxious. I know that once I get back into the swing of things it’ll be fine but for now, I’m terrified. I told one of my friends who’s a mom of one of the kids that I’m back and she’s ecstatic about it. I know my other parent friends will be excited to but I didn’t tell them yet because just being in this building feels surreal. Plus side, though, I work an hour earlier than I used to which means less time to kill on the days when Protector works and has to drop me off 2 hours before I have to go in. I really need a nap, though. Okay. 10 minutes. I need to pee and collect my thoughts. Updates about how work went to follow.

Break from work update: I am overwhelmed and everyone is expecting me to immediately be in the swing of things when I haven’t been here in almost a fucking year. 10. GODDAMNED. MONTHS. There’s no level of understanding at all which is completely ridiculous considering everyone else got to deal with this all the way back in June. But. you know. Fuck me right? I’m in I1 today so it’s not that bad but I had to change a kid who is just completely awful to change fucking TWICE in half an hour and I’m frustrated. Even more frustrated that we’re supposed to be changing the kids every two hours and it had been almost 3 when I changed her the first time…because no one else would. She has a bad rash and they let her sit in a diaper for an extra almost hour because “oh they always poop after lunch so give her time”. That’s ridiculous. Also the mask rule is the only covid rule I actually see any of them adhering to. I’m so goddamned frustrated. I should have walked and got lunch but instead I’m just sitting in the room I was in this morning, hungry and frustrated. Well. I’m not really hungry. I know I should be though. Anyway. In the room I’m in today there are 2 kids that I had to deal with when they were, you know, 10 months younger. There is a new baby today though, and that works for me because we both feel out of place and lost.

Honestly though, I want to cry or panic or a combination of the two. It’s going to be a long week. I have to go back in 10 minutes and I’m honestly dreading it. I don’t want to be here. I haven’t really even gotten to interact with any kids who would actually remember me. I’ll be a little devastated if they don’t, I won’t lie. I have to go back in 10 minutes and then I’m done in 2 hours unless they keep me until closing. I’m. just so done already. Frustrated. Whatever else.

Okay. Well. In all reality, I feel pretty numb right now. and I’m guessing I’ll keep feeling numb right up until it’s time to leave.

I’m even more frustrated because I asked for one more week and they made it sound like they really needed me. They don’t. There are full-time employees who haven’t been able to come back yet because we just don’t have enough kids to warrant the amount of staff we have, let alone the ones who aren’t back yet. There is absolutely zero reason why they couldn’t just give me the fucking week. I’m really angry but I have to go back now.

More updates to follow.

The rest of work went by pretty fast. I ended up getting off at 5 like I was supposed to. Not being a closer anymore is super weird for me but I guess I’ll get used to it. I hate having to close down classrooms anyway. Especially in these, the days of covid. I did get to talk to one of my favorite’s mom which was nice. We’re more or less friends anyway. I haven’t texted her in a while, though. Protector picked me up around 6:30. We stopped at sheetz on the way home cause I wanted mac and cheese bites. The podcast we were listening to talked about it. We stopped to feed the pigeons, too. Once we got home, I hung out with mom for a while and then I went and laid down with Protector to watch a movie.

I’m am grateful for:

1.) Going back to work.
2.) Being in the Infant 1 room.
3.) Parents remembering me, kids remembering me (somewhat at least).
4.) Protector for stopping for getting mac and cheese bites, cheese bites, and my body armor drink.
5.) Getting to actually watch a movie with Protector for the first time in a while.
6.) Mom for listening to me bitch and whine about work.
7.) My stimulus finally clearing.
8.) Getting to spend time with the babies because I really needed it
9.) Being all snuggled up warm with Protector.
10.) MW for acknowledging and accepting “full on baby mode”

Good/Happy/Positive/Surprising things that happened today:

1.) My co-workers all being taken aback by seeing me again and asking if I’m back.
2.) The few parents who immediately recognized me and the few kids I got to interact with who I’ve worked with before.
3.) MW talking about how he doesn’t mind full on baby mode and how he wouldn’t mind helping with the things I needed help with
4.) MW and I having an entire conversation about cuddles mostly in gif format
5.) Starlight coming on in the car as soon as he put music back on and Protector saying that he wasn’t expecting it but that he felt obligated to let it play <3
6.) Starting to fall asleep on Protector before the movie started but waking up enough to watch the whole thing with him
7.) Finding out the jellyfish scratch thing (Idk what to call it) makes Protector tense up and he doesn’t know why but is super bothered by it
8.) Getting to just rock the new baby to sleep twice. I just really needed that type of comfort
9.) Blue just cuddling his gigantic self in my lap
10.) Getting a really good picture of me and Blue

Goals I had for today:
-Survive first day back at work
-Figure out how to wear a normal mask all day
-Try to not get overwhelmed
-Write an entry
-Get Protector to watch something with me (if he’s up for it)
-Feed pigeons
-Work on master to-do list

Things I accomplished today:
-Survived first day back at work
-Wore a bandana instead of a normal mask
-Wrote this entry (well half of it but we’re pretending I posted this last night)
-Watched Deviant Love with Protector
-Fed Pigeons
-Added like 2 things to the to-do list
-Got mac and cheese bites

Goals for tomorrow:
-Get some sleep
-Take kittens for their appointment
-Write an entry
-Take it easy