Healthy relationships. in Since OD is shutting down....

I don’t really have a new years resolution but establishing healthy relationships is something I need not only for myself, but for my daughter. I just can’t be used or manipulated into giving out any amount of resources that my kid and myself are going to suffer for later. The next time I should talk to my Mother I’m going to make it extremely evident that I’d like for her to at least call and talk to my child sometimes so she doesn’t feel forgotten and I can’t give out any money and I can’t give out any more food. I need to set super clear boundaries with these fucking people and not have the same toxic cycle of shit to keep happening. By letting them come around to mooch and take advantage is setting the wrong president for my child. I don’t want her to think they need to get paid to come see her.

Another thing. So I was to start my new job on Tuesday. I went in Monday to give them the rest of my information. I was told over a week ago that I would have a schedule and that still hasn’t happened so I’m lead to believe that either my former employer is giving me a bad reference or the guy that got rid of me has connections in these places and hindering my employment because he’s worked in both of them. I find it odd that I got hired and a schedule at a different type of job but not this type. I honestly believe that someone is fucking it up for me and that’s bullshit. They don’t have to deal with me and they’re fucking with not only my livelyhood, but my daughter’s and that’s not fair!!

So I made a dating profile on Facebook a few days ago just for shits and gigs right. Well I started talking to a dude yesterday and actually met up with him last night. I really liked him, honestly developed feelings and now, I’m starting to question things. I’m a very skeptical person anyway from the lies I’ve been told and the ringers I’ve been through. There was so future plans to hang out, seemed pretty secretive about where he lived which I was too but got a vibe and then doesn’t really say much other than wanting to get his dick wet. Maybe I’ve just been in my head too much with this but I honestly think he’s still married, has hoes, or honestly just wants to have sex. I really wish I had a crystal ball or just knew someone’s real intentions from the start and save myself a lot of time and energy. I am glad that I feel the way I do now before I spent time and money away from my daughter and invested too much into something that isn’t gonna go anywhere.

I have since quit responding to his text and didn’t answer his phone calls. I just feel like this shit is off putting and isn’t passing the vibe check. I’m too fucking old for games and bullshit. Once I start to feel that there’s a chance that I’m gonna get hurt, I’m quick to walk away. I was about to ask why it was taking him so long to respond to text when he’s laid off but I found it to be better not to. I’m going to walk away quietly with my dignity. It’s also hard because I’ve been single for so long and worry that I could become needy and vulnerable and that’s a side of me that I never knew existed and don’t ever show it but I know it’s there.

I am super excited to get my stimulus check because I’m going to get some work done on my car, pay a couple of past due bills, and probably get some stuff at Walmart that we need. I won’t be able to get everything done on my car but I want to get some of it done. There’s been things needing to be replaced this entire time and I don’t want to put it off any longer. I owe some money to daycare and my electric so I’m going to pay that. I also have a bill coming from the chiropractor from the car accident and I’m just going to deal with it so it doesn’t bite me in the ass later.

New Years Eve. I was at home tending to a sick baby. My daughter has been not feeling good at all. She’s had a fever, runny nose trying to say she’s better but just today I can see that she is. I creeped one of the websites her Dad is on and of course, he was out at the bars. Goodness gracious. Literally that shit will never fucking change.

It’s been super cold here at night and it’s hard on me. My feet never stay warm and my hands are always super cold like ice cubes and they hurt so bad. But as far as my job stuff goes, I’m going to try and get a work from home job which is something I’ve wanted to do for awhile now. I’m so frustrated that I made 3 trips over to that place for nothing. Like I had to arrange childcare and owe money and it was all for nothing. I fucking hate this place.

I got up and cleaned like no other today. I just had to deal with the bathroom. I’m so glad I got everything done. I would have been so ashamed if anyone would have came over and I can’t believe I went anywhere last night without cleaning first. I hate leaving the house if it’s dirty because then I walk through the door and can’t stand seeing a damn mess.