Easter. in Since OD is shutting down....

So I've just been exhausted. I was off yesterday and today. Yesterday I went to lunch with my friend that I work with and then slept the day away. I went back to her house for a little bit and then today I slept until 3pm. I went with her and her daughter to get their nails done, we went out to eat and then watched Hotel Transylvania at their house. I really didn't want to because I'm still massively tired but I'm just hoping by tomorrow at 4pm when I have to leave for work, I'll be rested. Work is kicking my ass. I have not worked on homework at all and we only have about a month left.

The guy that I liked at work I no longer like. He's a fucking little prick. I'm not gonna go into that story other than I've changed my schedule so that it more fits what I need so that I can have more of a life outside of my job. I have burning my candle at both ends and I knew that it would eventually catch up to me. I'm glad that I have so much going on but I have to back off a little bit. I know that I will more than likely never become a manager and never get a raise so I'm just not gonna go out of my way to be there any more than I have to be. I'm sick of suffering because we are under-staffed, because people have to leave by a certain time and because there's absolutely no team work whatsoever. I refuse to make it my problem any more. It's just not worth it.

My family is a joke. Nothing has changed and nothing ever will. I bought my niece a whole bunch of stuff for Easter but I didn't get to see her and my brother wouldn't even come over and get the basket I made for her. My Mom mentioned they were going to make Easter dinner yesterday and invited me but I told her I didn't know if I would come or not since my allergies were kicking my ass and I was just exhausted but for her to call and let me know when dinner would be ready and I'll see how I feel. Well, I called this evening and she told me she didn't bother because I basically already told her no and she said I don't like their house or really like them so she didn't call. Um, Okay, well thanks for putting words in my mouth and making my decisions for me?! It's just sad that it's just the same shit just a different day. My friend was sitting right there and heard the conversation and shook her head. She said she was sorry but I told her not to be. I'm seriously used to it and I'm not gonna cry that God dealt me a shitty hand. It just makes me work harder to do my own thing, pay my bills and take care of me.

I'm grateful that I had a co-worker to spend some time with today other wise I would have been completely alone. I really don't think I deserve to be alone as much as I am but I refuse my chase my family at this point of my life. They've made it perfectly clear that they don't like me and don't want to be a part of my life unless it's negative and unhealthy so I just have to let it be. My ex used to tell me that I needed to try harder which I never understand because when I do try, they take advantage and get as much money and shit from me as possible. I'm not going to put myself through that ever again. They've done nothing but use me my whole life and it's in MY best interest to keep them at a distance. After they used me for $1,300 and never got a red cent back, I HAVE EVERY FUCKING REASON TO CROSS THEM OFF! My Mom should feel fortunate that she even has my phone number. Oh and then after we hung up, my little brother texted me saying that she was talking shit about me. Wow, great Mom of mine!!!! All I know is I won't allow them or their opinion of me tear me down any more than it already has. I have no self-esteem at all from them calling me a fucking bitch among other things my whole life and I just keep in mind that just because they don't like me, well that's on them. I actually have a lot of people in my life that do like me and want to be around me so if they don't, well that's their loss.

I don't have school tomorrow or Tuesday so I'm going to sleep as much as I can before I have to work but then after that, I must buckle down and get some homework done. I plan to do it between classes on Wednesday. I struggle with homework because it's tedious and time consuming but I will be getting a break soon and then I can just focus on making money. I'm probably going to lie to my job and tell them I'll be taking summer classes so I don't have to work all the fucking time.

I think after last weekend of seeing both of my ex's, something crossed over in me. I don't feel as depressed anymore and just more focused on wanting to be happy doing my own thing. Both of my ex's have been great stepping stones for me and I thank them for helping me realize exactly what I want in a relationship. I haven't thought about either one of them much and I hope it stays that way. I guess being exhausted every day probably helps quit a bit too. Lately, I just get up, do whatever has to get done so I can come home and go back to bed. I've just been so tired lately and started to feel like I was going to fucking lose it if I didn't get sleep soon. I was crabby as fuck and had the shortest fuse ever. I just can't work as much as they need me to be. I wish I could but physically, my body has just been screaming. My feet hurt, my back hurt and I am just so tired that I don't even know how I've been getting through the fucking day but if I wouldn't have gotten these 2 days off, I would have had a fucking breakdown. I told them all week I wouldn't be there today since I'm exhausted and from working every holiday since I got hired, well someone I work with texted me and said that the boss just wanted to make sure I was alright and then another person texted and I told them that I had informed 4 different people several times that I wouldn't be there today. She said it was okay and Happy Easter. Don't these fucking people listen?! Dear God, I can't be there 6 days a week and I refuse to be!!!!

All I know is I just have to do the best I can everyday. To pay bills, to care about myself and to be as nice to everyone as possible, including me. I was given this life for a reason and just have to find people who want to be around me and that have good intentions. I wanted so badly for my fairytale love with my ex and as much I wanted it to happen, it's come to the point that have to accept that he's a fucking prick. He was then and even now. It sucks that he's the person that he is but that's on him and I can't sit around and be upset that we aren't together because if we were meant to be together, we would be. I know that I'll always care about him and wish him the best but I have to move on from what could have been to what is and what could be with someone down the road. Both of my ex's have so much in common and the main thing they have in common is that neither one of them have anything to offer.

I have to work tomorrow at 4 and plan to sleep at least until noon. I have slept a lot today and yesterday and it felt so fucking good. I don't think I've ever been this tired in my whole life and it was starting to make me fucking dumb. I would fuck up things at work just because I was too tired to do things the right way. Oh and because I don't like the way I'm treated by a certain manager, I will be leaving as close to my scheduled off time as possible. I'm not staying late anymore and if they don't like it, they can get rid of me or they can fucking deal with it. Physically I can't handle it anymore and I would like to start getting off early enough to put in even an hour on homework. My one manger asked me the other night if I could just work a short shift on Fridays and even that day she wouldn't let me go home on time! So of course I said no. If I can't trust that you'll let me leave on time then asking me to come in when I don't have to is fucking stupid!

I also wonder what's wrong with me and if my ex has rubbed off on me sometimes. I bitch that I'm lonely, that I never have anyone to hang out with but then when people do want to hang out, I would rather die than hang out with them. And not because I don't like them or anything but just because I'm too fucking lazy! Like today, I was dreading waking up because I knew my friend from work and her daughter wanted me to come with them and I just laid there praying that would just forget about me but they didn't. She texted and I didn't answer. Then by the time she texted again, I had been awake for awhile so I kinda wanted to hang out but I just hate feeling like I have to I guess. I hate having plans set it stone for some reason. I wonder if I have just gotten so used to doing my own thing that I would just rather hang out by myself or maybe it's because people don't stick around and I don't want to get too comfortable with them and then when they aren't around I get depressed. That's pretty much how it was with my friend Karen. We would be up each others asses every day and then when we would stop talking, I wanted to kill myself because I had gotten used to her being around. I don't see myself ever getting that attached to anyone ever again but at the same time, I don't wanna just do my own thing and come home to an empty house forever either. It's like my friend and her husband. She took her daughter and did some stuff today. Her husband took their boys out. They came home, the kids went to bed and then they could just hang out together and watch a movie. That's what I want. I still fantasize about that kind of shit with my ex. I'm not sure why. I think it's because he's the last person I felt an attachment with and that's why he still lingers in my mind. I know that I'm not in love with him anymore but I struggle to let him go completely. I just wish that when I broke up with him back in August we wouldn't have started talking again because all he did was feed off how hurt I was that he wouldn't be my boyfriend again and I truly believe he got off on it. Whatever.

Anyways, it's time to put in a movie and go to bed. Thank you God for giving me a pretty good Easter. Thank you for my friend E.