Why? Because time is infinite. It doesn’t reset every year, it simply continues.

Just making a point here.

If none of this interests you, hang in there; a cute dog shows up at some point

I’ve never had what I would consider to be a “good year”. So many bad things have happened to me since childhood that most of my memories are bad ones.

But I don’t blame any year for the negative events that have happened.

I don’t blame 1992 for my ulcerative colitis. It’s been 10,357 days now. 10,357 days in a row with a crippling stomach ache.

That’s never going to end. It may get better, my stomach pain today is far worse than it was in say… 1999 when I was in remission, but the pain never fully goes away, you just learn to live with it when it’s only a 3 or 4 on the pain scale vs the 8 or 9 I feel daily now.

Remember, tomorrow is just the 366th day of 2020. Time is infinite, it doesn’t start and stop just because you go by a calendar that some person invented years ago, so stop blaming ‘time’ for things.

Time is only responsible for your aging and the aging of the planet, but it’s not responsible for how you age. Time is NOT responsible for any diseases you may get. That may be hereditary or due to your life choices. Eat healthier, exercise more, wear sunblock.

Leave time alone. Stop blaming the year for bad things.

I’ve never heard anyone blame 1941 for the holocaust, but that’s exactly what you’re doing by blaming everything on 2020. You sound ridiculous.

Blame goes to people, to the decisions they make based on greed and power and corruption and ignorance. That’s where your blame needs to go. Find the root cause of the things you complain about, and figure out how to make a difference so that things may improve. The one fight you can’t ever win… is against time.

Do that, and history won’t repeat itself. Better things can happen every year from here on out if we all just make better decisions. Be smarter, be calmer, have patience, be kind, be generous, be proactive. Care for one another, care for the planet. Stop all the bickering and fighting and pettiness.

I’ve lived a very hard life, and I wish I could have so many years back. I can’t slow time, I can’t travel back. I can only control what I can control and I just want to be around my friends and my family and to work again. I don’t blame time for stealing years of my life away. I died twice in 2014. I was officially dead for about a minute and 15 or 20 seconds. The way I see it. I gained a minute and 20 seconds to my life.

It’s all about perspective.

2021 is another year. It won’t start well for me. I still can’t move without screaming (see previous posts). I still have no answers to many serious health issues. I hurt constantly, I recently received even more bad health news (mentioned below). All my friends and family are 1,000 miles away or more. So enjoy whatever you have, be thankful for the little things, be humble because life isn’t fair and you need to learn how to roll with the punches (because they will happen) or you’ll be overwhelmed. I admit, right now, I am overwhelmed.

Tomorrow is just tomorrow, no more, no less. Don’t try to make 2021 a good year, just try to make tomorrow a good day, for you… for someone else. Always try to be the best version of yourself. I’d like to think that if we all did that… life (generally speaking) will improve across the board for everyone.

Happy New Year’s! Be safe, social distance and please… for the love of humanity, wear a mask!

HEALTH

MORE ON MY HEALTH AND HOW YOU CAN HELP ME HAVE A GOOD NEW YEAR

My pulmonologist called me the other day:

My blood work came back.

I’m severely hypocalcemic.

In other words: my calcium levels are critically low. Her words, not mine.

It could be a number of things. Pancreatitis (which I’ve had before). It was also something that was mentioned when I was in the hospital a week ago, but never got tested for because I had to leave due to negligence and poor treatment.

And I don’t get it, I know blood panels vary. But why did my blood work show this from my pulmonologist office who wasn’t looking for this, but not from the blood work when I was in the ER who should have been looking for it!?

A symptom of this is muscle spasms. I was in the damn hospital for back pain and spasms! So… Why would this not be included in that blood panel? Wtf are they doing with 8 vials of blood?!

So, I can’t just take calcium supplements because I’ve had kidney stones, I also still have gallstones.

Here are other ways that I can increase my calcium naturally, but what comes next is the icing on the cake!

1. Seeds
2. Cheese
3. Yogurt
4. Sardines and salmon
5. Beans and lentils
6. Almonds
7. Whey protein
8. Leafy greens
9. Rhubarb
10. Fortified foods & drinks
11. Milk
12. Figs

Because I have ulcerative colitis, and especially because I’m in a flare state. I DEFINITELY CAN NOT have the following:

1. Seeds of any kind
2. Cheese
3. Yogurt
4. Sardines and salmon
5. Beans and lentils
6. Almonds
7. Leafy greens
8. Fortified foods & drinks
9. Milk

I’m lactose intolerant. Seeds, nuts, beans etc… are extremely difficult to digest, a big colitis no no. I’m allergic to fish and seafood. I can’t have foods fortified with calcium (or shouldn’t) and green leafy vegetables…

I had a craving for salad recently. I got a mix of arugula and spinach and had some cucumber (no seeds).

(TMI APPROACHING…)

Prior to this, the bleeding has been minimal. Water is clear when I go to the bathroom.

I had one salad (I knew I shouldn’t, but I wanted one). The following morning, I bled out like a stuck pig! Blood everywhere. Pain through the roof.

I thought… Well, it could just be uc being uc.

I had another salad that day because I didn’t want to waste food.

This was a few days ago and ever since, when I go to the bathroom, it looks like I just poured a bottle of merlot in the bowl and the cramps are non-stop and unrelenting!

So yeah… No leafy greens for me.

Now I’m waiting to hear back from my pc as to how I can increase my calcium and minimize risk of kidney stones.

I still can’t move without screaming. I’ve barely moved at all this past week. This calcium situation may be exacerbating the spasms, but it still doesn’t account for the intense burning feeling in my lower left back. G-d it burns!!!

I’ll admit, my anxiety is rather high. 😢

YESTERDAY

My pulmonologist had me draw blood again today. That’s triple checking my ionized calcium because it’s so low, and she’s concerned as to how to treat me. I won’t have the results for a couple of days. Stress and anxiety… Stress and anxiety.

(Sigh…) It’s a situation.

So much so that I had to take a Diazepam because I’m beyond stressed out right now; in so much pain… I’m trying not to show it, but I feel broken… No, I feel destroyed.
☹️ I’m sad.

TODAY

I finally got a call to have my MRI done. It was going to be Saturday, but because my situation is urgent and potentially life threatening, I got in tonight.

It was painful, but I’m thankful to have gotten it done!

Upon returning home from the hospital, and mom gave Boba Fetch a treat because he’s a good boy!

However, he tried swallowing it way too soon and started to choke. His breathing was labored, he was coughing and pacing back and forth. He was in distress!

I recognized the signs, said: * “Mom, can you get him up on the chair so I can give him cpr?*” (I can’t bend). She did, and I performed cpr on him, as best as I could based on my lifeguard training.

After 30 seconds he threw it up and boy was that little tail wagging. Teamwork! He’s been all over me ever since.

Dogs know!

Love ❤️

Happy New Year!