Today was trying. in Since OD is shutting down....

I have always battled with anxiety because I don’t have a lot of confidence, I worry about everything and lately my anxiety has been absolutely crippling. I tend to get super stressed and bite off chunks of skin from the inside of my mouth and even rip off toenails. I also grind my teeth and probably should be wearing my nightgaurd. I don’t know why the hell I am this fucking bad but hopefully it’s gonna get better.

It took everything I had to even leave the house today. I had to go to my new job and take them 2 forms of ID. I took my daughter with me because I don’t want to owe even more money to daycare. We get close to my new job and she tells me she has to pee so we have to drive another 6 miles to the gas station. Then we get to my new job and she had taken off her coat and shoes so I had to help her get all of it back on so we can get out of the car. Then we do it all over again to go into Walmart so we can get food. I was absolutely exhausted by the time we got home and she’s still up! She’s been up for about 11 hours and counting. I am honestly so fucking tired of never getting a moment’s peace and by the time she goes to bed, I am just too tired to stay awake so I never get a chance to have ‘me’ time!

It’s really stupid how fucking ridiculous all of this is. My family is here, her “Dad’s” family is here and he’s here too and yet, I’m still all on my fucking own! I can’t tell you how frustrated and depleted I feel most of the time. It’s awful how long it takes to run errands and never got a minute to even think! Then, I get an email stating my insurance isn’t going to cover a medical bill and I call just to hear that the lady I need to talk to is already gone for the day. I called and it’s only $43 so I’ll fucking pay it.

I’m definitely ready to get back to work because then I’ll get a break from my kid but I’m concerned about wearing a uniform because I have to buy black pants which is going to be a challenge because I’m plus size and I have to buy black, non-slip shoes which are kind of expensive even online.

I went dashing on Sunday and she went to daycare. I wish that I would have just arranged for her to be at daycare all along because no matter who watches her, I pay for it. I probably would have been better off because then I would have came home to my house and food intact. It’s sad that it’s so much easier to pay for childcare then have anyone fucking watch her! My Mom did nothing but use and take advantage. I honestly fucking hate her and I’ll be dammed if I ever go through this shit again. It’s not my fault that she allowed my piece of shit Dad to use and take advantage of her all these years so therefore she has to mooch off everyone else!!!

Tax season is right around the corner and I wouldn’t be surprised if she starts making contact and being super nice, hoping I hand her fucking money! I can just see them coming around with some sob story and their fucking hands out and I’m going to let them know I’m not handing out ANY MORE MONEY!!! I thought about just lying about my taxes but I’m gonna just be truthful. I’m sick of these fucking people and their moochy, entitled mentality!

Bedtime.