What's Right? in Journal

So I am feeling jaded about continuing on with group therapy. I use that term “group therapy” very loosely, since it’s little more than a book club. It was just nice because it was so laid back and not official. It was a bunch of us interested in a self-help book and willing to help one another.
uhg. So the reason that I feel jaded is that the guy that sort of self elected to lead the group picked me to be his partner. I felt pretty off-put by him from the get- go. BUT I was so entrenched in self erasure that I just discarded my feelings about it.
And then throughout our “relationship”, I was overly careful. Well. I was withholding myself because I never felt comfortable with him. Yet I was part of the group. I had made the commitment. So I was going to do it. I was just me and my problem with trusting people. I just needed to do the work and get over it.
Well. He recently told me that he was going to end our relationship going forward. I felt such a crushing blow of abandonment! It came out of nowhere, seemingly. But it was good… because it gave me a great opportunity to address that part of me that has those abandonment issues.
But, that wasn’t really the point. The point of his wanting to end our therapy counseling partnership was that he was worried about emotional infidelity. When he told me this at first I did the exact same thing as I did when he wanted to be my partner in the first place. Oh, he seems to know what he’s talking about and I can’t trust myself so He must be right.
Vomit
I’m starting to realize that my misgivings were valid and completely trustworthy. I’ve been pushing away that part of me away and demonizing it. Which is horrible. But, because I did that, I let this creepy dude into my life and then let him reprimand me!

What a weird, crazy world we live in.

I have tried to fine comb my thoughts and feelings toward him, and I genuinely do not feel attracted to him. In any way. Even if I wasn’t married. I wouldn’t be attracted to him. Even though he makes more money and blah blah. I get creepy vibes. That’s why I never opened up to him.
Then he wanted to have a conversation and hash out why he wanted to end the relationship. He had this really big thing to say to me. He told me it was a doozy. It was huge. It was a mind bender.
What?? I asked.
“I don’t want to be around if/when anything happens.” he told me. “I am not going to raise someone else’s kid…”

I was dumbfounded. I was amazed. My head reeled. My mind was literally blown that he really thought that there was even a one hair on a horse’s ass chance of anything even remotely resembling that scenario happening.

But I’m still thankful that he said it! Yeah, he’s some weird creepy ass dude. BUT. He pointed out that he sensed that there was a chance that my situation was going to blow up.
THAT gave me some fire under my ass to find out why he was getting those vibes.
That gave me a nice big push over the cliff;
what am I doing with no boundaries such that I’m talking to this crazy dude?
ESPECIALLY since he just said he senses that my marriage might blow up?

Jesus Christ what am I doing with my life.