Christmas is over :) in Since OD is shutting down....

Ugh I am so fucking glad Christmas is over and done with. As predicted, it was just me and my daughter again. Her Dad left her Christmas presents on my porch so I messaged him saying thanks and asked if he wanted to meet up to see her to which he played the sick card yet again. He mentioned that he got his job back and CSE has ‘summoned him to court’ and threatening jail time to which I let him know he’s never been there physically or emotionally so he can be there financially and he continued to be argumentative so I blocked him. I wasn’t about to waste an already emotionally trying day dealing with such an extremely nasty person.

My Mom ghosted me again. I asked for my $160 and that’s when she blocked me. I also don’t hear from my older brother because I won’t watch his kid anymore since he can’t help me out with mine so I can even go to a job interview. It just kills me that my daughter can only have a relationship with these people contingent upon how much I’m willing to allow them to use and take advantage of me. I don’t appreciate my Mom who fucking ended all communication with me for 14 months and then comes back around just to plow down hundreds of dollars worth of our food and then once I say something she responds, “well, you needed me to babysit” Uh yeah bitch but I also need to be able to feed my kid for the month too!! Like what in the unholy fuck!

I literally can’t even find the proper wording to express how angry this makes me that everyone is so quick to shut my daughter out of their lives simply because I’m not going to allow them to use me as much as they want. I am so tired of giving and giving and all they do is fucking take! It’s not my fucking problem that they’ve always made really poor financial choices and think everyone else owes them for it! I’ve given them thousands in the past 15 years since I moved out and I’ve never seen a fucking dime! They get you to feel sorry for them so you ‘help’ and then they disappear when it’s time to fucking pay you back!

My Mom was abused in every way a person could be by my Dad for the past 40 years. She made an escape plan for 6 months all to come back and deal with it all over again! Both of them need some mental help. They literally don’t have any money, never have and yet they think we all need to figure out how to help them. Well, neither my older brother and I are in the greatest financial situations either and yet they still come around just to fucking use us and manipulate to get what they want.

I have never seen more toxic fucking people and this needs to be the last time they are welcome into my life and to hurt my child. I have given more chances than I should have but my daughter is old enough where she doesn’t forget anyone and allowing them to just be around when they want and then bail out isn’t healthy for her. All she’s ever known is everyone doing this to her and sadly, I think she’s used to it. She doesn’t ask much about anyone and I’m glad that I’ll say they’re working or sleeping and she just goes on playing. She’s never cried or anything about their absence.

All I know is I felt super depressed yesterday. I was just so down that no one made any effort even for my child. I still felt that this morning when I woke up too. It’s just real, raw emotions that I wouldn’t want anyone to have to feel.

So, my new job. I had told them I can start on the 5th and they’re going to send me a schedule. I’ll let daycare know here soon as well. I’m definitely ready to get out of the house, be around other people and make money. I know my daughter is more than ready to be back at daycare. She went for about an hour an a half on Monday and she definitely wanted to stay. I definitely worry about this place being like the last one but I can say if it is, I won’t be sticking around. I will never lay down my whole life for a job again and if it’s toxic and unfair, I’ll have no problem leaving. I still have so much guilt for the time I lost with my child because of the last job and I just can’t do that shit again.

I’ve done my income tax calculator and looks like I’ll get about $300 less than last year so that’s really good. I haven’t worked since the end of August and it’ll be nice to get that money back in my account. My car needs brakes, tie rod ends, and an alignment. I worry I’m going to have the same problems that I did before but I only asked to work about 20 hours a week so that’s going to cut down on a lot of crap. I’m nervous but I’m definitely ready.

It’s really hard being a single Mom. I have no help and no moral support here at all. It’s honestly super hard to not get down about it sometimes. It doesn’t really get to me until the holidays come. I hold onto hope that things might get better by next year. I doubt it but I stay hopeful for my kid.

Anyways, I’m gonna get ready for bed.