Tired in After OD

I’m tired. I’m just so very tired.

I am struggling so much lately with my lack of purpose. Yes, I am a wife and mother and there is purpose in that, but it’s just not enough. I have nothing to get out of bed for each day. I have nowhere to go, nothing to do. I often think about how so many people would probably be thrilled to live the way I do, but for me it is depressing. It’s degrading because I’m not contributing financially.

Frankly, I’m making our financial situation worse because I’m self destructive and gambling away every dollar we have. I keep saying I won’t do it anymore, and yet it keeps happening. It makes me feel good when so very little else does that for me right now. It’s wrong though, and I need to stop. I know in the long term it’s going to cause me more stress and anxiety because I’m edging us closer and closer to a bad place. It’s an addiction though and it’s so fucking hard to escape. I could permanently self exclude, but I don’t want to. That’s selfish of me, probably. A sign I’m not really willing to change, maybe. I don’t know.

I have no willpower. That has always been a fault of mine. I once had a friend say that when I’d do things, I did it big. She was right on that. It’s because I have no impulse control. I don’t know when to stop and so it all blows up. That’s why my first kiss lead to oral sex, my first drink lead to getting high, my first time having intercourse lead to getting pregnant. No control.

No control is exactly why I deal with depression and anxiety. I don’t feel in control of anything, and so the self destructive and self sabotaging behaviors come out because it makes me feel in control of something. I’m fucked up. I’m a mess. And I’m so fucking tired of it all.