Chutes and Ladders (W/O ladders) in Boredoms

I think that title makes it sound like this will be more whimsical than it will be.

My inconsistent sleep patterns are doing odd things to me. I can't get to sleep at a decent time anymore. As soon as I try to go to sleep my awful, awful brain starts tearing at me. It won't let me drift off until I sincerely hope I won't wake up again. I find myself thinking way too much about suicide. I rolled my eyes at myself for typing that. I feel shitty thinking about that. I know plenty of people with lives far worse than mine who struggle far more to get somewhere in life and that makes me feel even shittier. I hesitate to write anything about how I've been feeling because it seems like such an obvious cry for attention but I have no friends on here (well 1, but she doesn't read me). I come here to vent it out because I just need to. When I write things it helps me focus.

It's an awful thing to think, but I don't think suicide is bad. Everybody does. Mostly, people who do it are considered weak. Taking the "easy way out". It's not easy to kill yourself. You gotta really be pushed to the very edge before you can really consider it, or have an appropriately broken mind. No, living is instinctual. That's one of our strongest impulses...to survive. People do whatever they have to in order to prolong life as much as possible even if it can be argued their life is no longer worth prolonging. I know, I know...all life is sacred. Except it's not. It's cheap and disposable and absurdly easy to replace. People do rise to a point where the whole world values their life, sure, but otherwise it's mostly personal value. So, if your life doesn't matter to anyone it has no worth, right?

I want to do drugs again. It's been a few years. Nothing hardcore. Nah, I don't need an addiction. My heart seems to be back to strength after the last time. Back then I could feel my life draining out of me but I was too scared to let go. I didn't have anything to live for then but I still fought to get that squishy red bastard pumping again.

Dreams are so addicting to me right now. When I can get to sleep I never want to wake up. I know most people don't want to wake up from sleep (usually when it means going to work) but I often put myself well on the far side of PM before I finally drag myself out and it's usually because I need to pee. I have a strong bladder so I can usually manage 12-14 hours of sleep

I want to write stories again but I think about how much my stories suck and I can't. It's painful.