That Tears It in Book Seven: Reconstruction 2020

Call me judgmental but… I sent this to my therapist:

Condensing: I need and want to treat Therapy like a Battle Strategy because I like knowing I’m making progress. And this year “progress” in anything seems foreign. Like… it seems my entire existence has become “Someday” “When COVID is over” “After all of this”… and that’s personal, social, and professional. Everything is just… waiting for COVID to be over. And don’t say “People are starting relationships during COVID” because I know that well and it doesn’t help. Defendants have found partners during COVID, Nancy found a partner during COVID, many of the people in my social circle have found a partner during COVID. So I want to focus on healing the areas that need it and building a path forward. Areas I think I need to heal in?

(1) Trauma from the Marriage… a lifetime of “less than” thinking coupled with 10 years of active rejection including derision and mockery for wanting intimacy or romance in my marriage.
(2) I can love myself and be confident in myself but the drum beat of unwanted weighs heavily on me. It was a massive element of my last 15 years and has really only been repeated heavily this year.
(3) Dealing with the relentless extended trauma of COVID isolation and the knowledge that all of my social avenues for co-mingling with friends, making new friends, or dare I say starting a relationship seem utterly cut off from me.

Because with some of my professional downtime today, I wanted to think… “Plan the next month. How do you want to end 2020? What steps do you need to take to make a better 2021?” And as it fell to those 3 elements… I was at a loss. Other than prayer, meditation, and reading… I don’t exactly have an action plan to wellness.

That is what I sent her… Her response:

Wait! The answer IS prayer & meditation (listeing to that still small voice) Exactly!
I promise you, please listen to this book today “Conscious Uncoupling

SO… definitely wondering how I can go about contacting BetterHelp admins and discussing maybe needing to change therapists.