What I know now.. in Since OD is shutting down....

Is what I wish I would’ve known then. My kid’s Dad is been such a fucking problem and I’m so glad that I figured him out and have no interest in reaching out to him anymore. He had my head so fucked up for so long and it was so hard to get my ass up out of bed and go about my day with the pile of shit he left me in. I wish I would’ve known exactly what I was up against right after my kid was born because I definitely would have done things differently.

He’s got a lot of mental problems and I’ve never seen anyone react like him. Just completely mean, aggressive, and argumentative over absolutely nothing. I am so sorry I ever gave him a chance but I can say that he won’t be getting any more. We’ve done this same shit every few months since my kid was born 3 years ago and I know for the sake of my peace, sanity, and happiness I have to leave that fool alone. My daughter deserves the best Daddy in the world and it kills me that I can’t give her that. I know that it’s his own bad but my daughter only have 1 parent because of it.

My superpower shutting people out when I get too angry and dissapointed and with him, I kept allowing him to come back. Not only to hurt me with his words, brag about his freedom, and make me feel 2 inches tall, but keep turning his back on his child. All she’s ever seen in his back walking out the door. I just don’t understand people who can’t be present for their child and put their personal feelings towards the other parent aside so the kid can have the 2 parents they are supposed to have. All he ever wants to do is fight and say whatever is going to cut the deepest and then get more angry when I don’t fight back. I have always been the bigger person and try so hard for her to have him in her life but it’s just met with cruelty and anger.

I also find it annoying as fuck that he’s free to do whatever he wants every minute of the day including video games and sleeping with any bitch he can find but tells me that he doesn’t want men around his daughter. I have never tried to date as a single Mom because of plenty of reasons but who the fuck is he to think he has any say in my life? Even my friend backed him up and said that it’s best that I’m not bringing a bunch of men around my kid but when have I done that?!?! I also know that even if I met someone, it would be a super long time before they would even be introduced to my child! I’m not a fucking whore and even if I was, who the fuck is he to tell me how I’m going to live my life?! What if I met someone that accepted my daughter and myself, should I deprive my child of a father figure?!

There’s just so much of this shit I can’t wrap my head around. He doesn’t want her at daycare but he’s never been willing to watch her. He doesn’t want men around her but he’s absent. He hates me but wants to have sex every time he comes over. Like how the fuck do people like this even function?! He’s always talked about me having fuck boys and finding men to pay my bills but I’ve always worked. He’s mentioned men taking care of us but refuses to pay child support?! Pretty sure it’s been me all along to pay the bills and make sure my daughter has everything she needs.

I honestly wish that things with my friend wouldn’t have went the way they did because I would have moved there to get away from my kids Dad and my parents. I fucking hate this place and feel like I’m always going to stuck here. I honestly just feel so lost, like I don’t belong anywhere.

Most of the time, I just want to be left the fuck alone so I can get my head right. I worked so hard for so long and now, the thought of getting another job puts me in an anxiety attack that lasts for days. I’m honestly terrified that I’m going to find another fucked up job where I won’t have any time or energy for my child again. I don’t think my daughter would be potty trained if I was still working. I was sick of buying them damn things and my kid not hitting that milestone because all I did was work. My kid was spending more time in a daycare then being with me and that just ate my up. I don’t think I’ll ever let go of the guilt that I felt because all I did was work.

I knew that the day for me to burn out was coming and I wasn’t upset when it happened. I just hit it too hard for too long. Working, taking care of a kid, keeping the house clean, paying bills, and never having even 10 minutes for myself really started to get to me. The only thing I could control was food and how much I smoked so I did both excessively. I have since lost weight and my blood sugars have become way more manageable and I’m scared that if I go back to work, I’m going to lose control again.

Life has been really fun the last 3 months of not working. I’ve gotten to spend time with friends, take my kid to do so much stuff, travel… and most of all? Being able to sit down and take a deep breath. I had worked so fucking hard that I didn’t know what it meant to just relax. I also grind my teeth and now I have teeth that are completely flat. I was so consumed with my job that even when I wasn’t there, it was still on my mind. I usually had 2 days off in a row but it wasn’t enough time to actually catch up on sleep, get the house clean/laundry done, and be able to spend time with my kid. I might add I also made minimum wage and I’d worked there 7 years.

I realized about 4 years ago that I stayed because I was a fucking burn out, didn’t think I could make it at another job and it was easier to stay than go through the work of finding a job, and all the shit that goes along with it. I mentally checked out about 3 years ago just because it was easier than let things get to me. After so long, I realized how much I was hurting myself by not letting myself feel what I needed to. I had a friend that I worked with that always talked about how fucking toxic it was and I remember thinking that everything he said was exactly how I felt.

They say your life doesn’t just stop once you have kids. Update: it does when you parent alone. I hated my body after I had a baby but could I just head off to the gym? No because I didn’t have a babysitter. My Mom wasn’t present until about 6 months ago. I wanted to have some time for myself, even 2 hours a week or even once a month but if I wasn’t busy being a Mom, I was at fucking work. I didn’t feel like my life was my own. I don’t want anyone coming at me with how I picked a shit pile to have a kid with (believe me, I figured that out when I was 5 weeks pregnant) and how there’s women that have it even worse then me. I know, I can promise you I’m not minimizing anyone else’s struggles by voicing my own. It’s just nice to vent is all.

I can say I have a lot to be grateful for. There’s so many positives in my life and I’m going to feel completely blessed forever. I thank God that I’ve been healing and probably will be a work in progress for the rest of my life but I am so happy I’m not in the same deep, dark place I was when I had a baby and was just dying inside wishing her Dad gave a fuck. I am so glad my eyes are wide open and I can move on with my own life and be completely fine.