Additional Therapy in Book Seven: Reconstruction 2020

So, my Therapist’s response to THIS
was
“So sad you are struggling, Chris”
So… I pretty much explain the last 36 years of my existence, repeatedly tying it back to the concept of “Less Than” that we’re trying to discuss and your best response is
“So sad you are struggling, Chris”
MMMmmmmaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyybeeeee time to look for a replacement!!

My response to her:

The big long previous: 36 years of “less than” built into me by my pain disorder and then aggressively actively drilled into me by my ex-wife? There’s a reason why people who know me say, “She did a number on you!” Because, to be graphic? My wife consistently, constantly refused any form of physical intimacy (including sex) and would not say I love you. So considering she was my only sexual partner… and she would say, “Just go watch porn. But don’t ever let me catch you watching porn and jerking off. I find the whole thing disgusting. Just… do it but don’t let me know.” That was her solution to our absent sex life. SO YEAH… when people talk about “build your self esteem” or “learn to value yourself”… I have ten years of “I don’t even want to touch you” from my spouse working against me. And as I was journaling about that elsewhere… something hit me. SO MUCH of our therapy can go back to this one, specific, repeated trauma that has been planted in me. What has my trauma consistently circled around? Desire.... Want.... Need. I appreciate that power structures in relationships and the interactions between lovers may take an almost infinite number of derivations. But I am beginning to wonder if this undercurrent is not the item of significant value. I was told repeatedly, clearly, with spite and disgust, that I was entirely unwanted. And by my wife… a woman that was in a unique position to specifically choose NOT TO BE WITH ME… but married me and then made it clear I was unwanted. So what am I searching for? What is my trauma and my need? What is absolutely driving me? I need to feel wanted. I want to be wanted. It is/isn’t so much about external validation as the very thing that I was psychologically beaten to death with was you are undesirable and unwanted. So yeah. That’s what I’m trying to fill. That’s what needs to be healed. I need to not feel unwanted.

FAST FORWARD TO TONIGHT:

Current Mood: Unyielding Rage

So… I’m pretty angry… and some of that anger is being thrown God’s way. So the “God has a plan” or “Things work out with faith” kind of responses are not going to do the trick.

At the heart of my marital? As I told my mom recently, I knew the marriage was dead, broken, likely beyond repair about 3 years in. I mean, when there is no sex, nothing but arguments, and everything is the husband’s fault because he dragged us to Omaha… the writing is on the wall. But God tells us to honor our wives as Christ so honored the church, even unto death. It was my spiritual obligation as her husband to bust my ass to get the marriage to work. For an extra 7 years, I worked my ass off in an attempt to get my wife to love me. It never worked. She never did. And even this year told me so. Thus, I spent all of my energy trying to save a marriage whose energy was often spent on making me feel unwanted, undesirable, and unworthy.

Now let’s compare that to the kind of case work I do now. We’ve discussed it a bit before. How the Spouse Abusers, Women Batterers, Pedophiles, and Child Abusers seem to have no shortage of women who want to date them, be with them, make excuses for them. That’s always hit me as absolute fucking bullshit because I, a stable emotionally aware adult with a full-time job and a caring, generous heart… can’t even get an available woman to talk with me let alone date me. But these absolute monsters have no issues?

Well… here’s another one for the fire. Essen’s husband… the child abusing, psychologically violent man that won’t let Essen or his children leave the house or he’ll call the police? Apparently, he has a new girl. He’s still being the controlling abusive husband to Essen, of course. She can’t even leave the house to take the kids for a walk because her husband “knows she’s fucking around on him and will call the cops for prostitution, kidnapping, and child endangerment!” But he now has a girl on the side (so he has a place to crash when Essen eventually throws him out). This bloody enrages me. Not just because he is being an absolute asshole to my friend and his own children… he’s been doing that for a while now. No, this bloody enrages me because it is a psychologically deranged, dangerous man who abuses his wife and kids… and during COVID… he was able to find a new girl. AGAIN… I can’t even get a Dating App conversation or a pity date; but this abusive fuck gets a new girl on a whim?

I talked to Essen and she says that she’s not surprised because her husband is over six feet tall and, as a malignant narcissist, oozes confidence and compulsive lies. Which… fine. Tall, Confident… I’m short and… a trial attorney so confident but not manipulative about it?? It just.... It goes back to my relationship with God as it constantly is. I know God is real. I know that with the same confidence that I know I am a man. But God has (honestly) allowed His creation to become a steaming cesspool where the evil prosper, the good suffer, and the only way to get ahead is to eat each other. I know God exists. But I’m not going to celebrate that fact while He continues to allow what He called His “greatest creation” to continue in this manner. And frankly, COVID is a perfect example of what I’m talking about. The people who have been suffering and staying isolated and distanced and doing everything they can to slow the spread? Their reward is to continue to suffer and stay isolated and distanced. Because the people who don’t care are living their lives, enjoying themselves, and continuing as though nothing has changed. I saw a table of 20 (all unmasked) at the restaurant on the corner of main street last week!

So that’s the world we live in. Where a guy with love in his heart, emotional intelligence, a stable life, and a lot to offer is entirely romantically ignored… but a man that is actively abusing his wife and kids has no trouble getting a side-piece!