Opening a Vein in Book Seven: Reconstruction 2020

I wouldn’t normally come to this space to discuss this issue but it seems that my avenues to discuss this are quickly shrinking and I don’t think I’d be doing myself any favors by not being open about this.

I’m likely jumping to conclusions but I’m a person that takes the evidence of his eyes and the evidence of his hears and has to make a persuasive case as to what those things mean.

Victoria and I were scheduled to have sex last week. It didn’t happen. Victoria and I were scheduled to have sex this week. It didn’t happen. That alone leads me to believe that the sexual element of our relationship is coming to an end. Because this is a woman who wants sex every day (if not more than that) so not having sex with me when discussed and planned would lead me to think something is going on.

But of course, it is more than that. We had a conversation last night where it seems she really finally just embraced… I’m not some dynamo in hiding. I’m not the forceful aggressive lover that was hidden behind a demure front. I’m honestly, truly, and actually the guy that was browbeaten and broken by a toxic, withholding, sexually negative marriage for a decade. Yeah, I’ve been open about that and I’ve not hidden it. I just think from her perspective… she didn’t realize that I wasn’t exaggerating. And it definitely finally became real for her last night. My problems surrounding “forceful initiation” aren’t because I need clear consent. My problems surrounding “forceful initiation” are stemmed in a long build up and psychological break that I’m struggling with… trying to get over the concept of “no matter what I do, I’ll be rejected. I know I have consent but consent is ‘you may’; I need something more like ‘i want”. Because… yeah. I’ll admit it. I’m broken. There was a lot of energy and time put into this brokenness. And I get how a woman who is used to being wanted, and accustomed to forceful lovers just… is exhausted by the idea of what I need. She doesn’t want to initiate all the time (and I don’t want her to, I need to learn and embrace the ‘make the first move’ concept). BUT the issue we’re running into? I’ll initiate (kiss, fondle, something) and she’ll act as though it isn’t enough. Like… she wants something more forceful, more primal, more aggressive. Last night, I tried. I was in the mood for it, I grabbed her head forcefully, and kissed her long and hard. She liked it. But apparently, it wasn’t enough to initiate. Like… we’re on my bed, I give her this grab and kiss, she smiles and says she likes it, then… nothing. Like… maybe I’m not understanding something here. I’ve initiated intimacy. I’ve done so (honestly) as forcefully as I feel comfortable doing. Grab and kiss, kiss the neck… so I asked. Apparently, she’s accustomed to… a good deal more. Like… she thinks the forceful head grab and long kiss.... was gentle. She didn’t realize that was my attempt at aggressive. So after I did that… she went back to her phone. Echoes of problems past, eh?! And so I kind of just… didn’t continue anything. Which upset her. Like… she thought I was going to continue. I was going to strip her or take her or something. And I’m just thinking… how was that… I clearly initiate, kiss you hard, and you go back to your phone? What the hell? (all the while wondering if my reaction is tied to shit with Nancy and her phone bullshit). She mentions that sometimes between her and Remus it gets into a legitimate like honest wrestle. He’s fighting to get her clothes off, she’s fighting back. That’s aggressive. And here’s the truth… yeah. Someday, I can see myself getting to that place where I’m okay doing that. Yeah. But considering I just spent the last 10 years being rejected by my wife for every sexual advance or attempt to initiate every single time I tried… maybe our fourth or fifth time having sex… especially after the shit that went down last week… I’m in need of a partner that I don’t need to literally fight to engage in a sexual evening with.

So I’m thinking the sexual part of our relationship is… if not over… certainly coming to an end. Which sucks in a lot of ways. The “experienced woman who doesn’t want an emotional relationship but helps my sexual hangups” would have been an INCREDIBLY important bridge between the damage of my marriage and a possible healthy relationship. But you know what’s really twisted?? Nancy rejecting me over and over and over and over again… I mean, that became routine. That was upsetting and deeply hurtful but it became something I could almost freaking count on. Victoria getting to the place of “Yeah, it’s gonna be a no from me” somehow hurts worse. Because I know how much she wants and likes sex. And I get that she has multiple outlets to get what she wants… but I think that’s what bugs me in the rejection. Like… she has 3 other guys (including her husband who lives with her) where she can get that rough aggressive animalistic sex whenever she wants. She can’t help me out and be understanding while also receiving orgasms anyway?? Like… it’s not that I’m not producing the desired result… I just don’t get there as quickly or as aggressively. And maybe it’s selfish of me to hope that she was willing to put up with “less than she wanted” in order to help me out but… once again, this is one of those Nancy-like things where… she came after me. She was the one that said she’d like to do something sometime in a sexual way. What is it about me that after a few turns, I’m not worth it anymore?