Grumble in Book Seven: Reconstruction 2020

My sinuses were bugging the living shit out of me today.
Coughing, making it hard to breath, worried about a fever.
Yes, I did wonder if it could be the Rona.
Temperature Gage at work said 96.1

So I guess… we’ll see?

Today my Victim Witness Coordinator scheduled a meeting for me with a victim set to start AFTER our office closes. Damn it! Luckily, Victoria and Essen will be with Nala so that’s GREAT! Even more great… Essen’s douchebag refused to go to work today “because he can’t handle things right now!” so she’s going to make dinner for herself and the kids at my place, too (as little time around douche as possible) and she said she’d leave me some leftovers. SO… help with Dog and Dinner? YES PLEASE!

You know, possibly one of the reasons I don’t feel good is that I haven’t eaten in over 15 hours.

And Juvenile Court done by phone as my body feels strange. I slept a lot last night but I keep almost falling asleep as I listen to the drone of our DHS workers before the Judge asks, “And what is the state’s position” to which I say, “we are in agreement with DHS” and that’s mostly all I have to do during the hearing. All morning. Repeatedly. But again… the sinus pressure and lack of food is likely what’s happening. I’ll go way out of my way to make sure I get something to eat for lunch today and see if that helps.

As I’m sitting on the phone, I’m re-reading an old web-comic I used to love. I just got to the “Wait, we have a basement?” page and I instantly got a little sad. When the main character finds the basement, that is a signal that the story is coming to an end. He finds the basement, hi-jinx, noble sacrifice, the end. And it is sad. The comic started in 2005… “ended” in 2012. I used quotations because the comic is actually still going; but this original long-form story which launched the entire thing ended in 2012.

Hey! So there’s a thing… my right nostril started gushing blood, and now I feel better. I can breath from my nose, the sinus headache is gone, and I don’t feel so oogy.

So, this isn’t a bragging thing… at all… but I texted Victoria last night to see what the week would look like. Hanging out? Demo? Sex? Just checking.
And she responded with “All of the above! I would love to have sex. And can probably come over whenever the kids go to sleep this week!”
And I know… she didn’t state “I would love to have sex with you” and she is a borderline hyper-sexual personality but… at the same time… from a decade of “No sex, no kisses, no touch” to someone who responds to a “sex this week?” inquiry with “I would love to have sex” is… a big enough change for me as to be noteworthy.

I’m a little disappointed in my therapist lately.
Her response to my “poor puppy” breakdown was to suggest getting a smaller pet. Not to discuss the “feel lesser” elements or tackle the “if she goes, that would be so hard for you”… just to treat the possible losing of a pet like it was the losing of luggage. Which… not cool. Plus, I honestly think that we never actually deal with a significant repeating element that… honestly, if it doesn’t get dealt with… I’m going to start sounding more and more like an incel!! Because not just professionally… socially in my life… on Prosebox daily… literally everywhere I look I run into “He’s abusive. He takes my car and I’m stranded. He uses the kids against me. His temper is becoming a problem. He’s blah blah blah.”
So… in all of my spheres… I am repeatedly confronted with the fact that lots and lots and lots of women opt for the “Strong Man” that winds up being controlling, abusive, mean. All the while, the “Caring Man” is passed over because he doesn’t stir the passions of the heart/loins. There is an honest-to-goodness thing in Incel Culture that says, “Women will always fuck around with the strong, mean, abusive men because that is what they want when they are young. After they’ve had their babies, have let their looks go, and are tired… then they’ll settle for a caring man because they want someone to help raise their kids. So the Good Guy doesn’t get energy, youth, attractive, or even the chance to have kids of his own. NO, he’s only and strictly chosen to raise another man’s children and take care of the woman the other man abused, denigrated, and ruined.” Now obviously, there is a LOT to unpack there. But the general idea of “These kids have to get their fuck on, then settle for stability so someone else can raise their babies?” Honestly seeing a lot of that in my many different spheres. And it is both upsetting and annoying. Kindness and Stability are good qualities. Loving and Supportive are good qualities. Why the fuck do “Aloof and Wild; Distant and Controlling” work so well??? It shouldn’t. That’s… very bad. But it does. And again… I am and will fight against becoming INCEL. Nobody wants me to walk down that road. But these repeated issues… this “A majority of those I encounter prefer controlling, domineering men… and I’m proud to be a supportive, communicative guy… so why does the world of Female Desire bend towards ‘sod off, kind guy; I want to fuck this butch guy!”

Guess I’ll do a survey then throw this up. I’ve got a lot of writing to do professionally after lunch.

Are you a cat person or a dog person?
Definitely a dog person! My mom is allergic to cats and, frankly? I don’t want an animal in my house that could honestly do without me. Like… I do wish I could do more for Nala; but she’s a dog that walks the line. She wants me to play with her more than I can; but when I want to pet her more than she wants, she’s cool saying “Nah, I’m gonna nap” and walks over to the couch or bed to fall asleep.

How many pets do you have? What are their names?
One dog named Nala

What pets, if any, did you have growing up?
We had a bunch of fish and a Golden Retriever named Kody

What’s your favorite holiday? Why?
It really depends on the year. If I have fun plans, Halloween. If not, Thanksgiving.

Which season do you like the best? Why?
I prefer autumn. Not snowing; but colder

What’s the last TV show you binge watched? What’s next on your list?
Answer to both is “probably some Anime”

Do you subscribe to any YouTube channels? If so, which ones?
I subscribe to 4, I think. Last Week Tonight, Team Four Star, Outside X Box, and Irish Folk Music

What song do you always sing along to when it comes on?
Many of them. Too many to count. I’ll just say “Bieber’s Lonely” as an answer.

What are some of your hobbies?
Video Games, Discussion, Reading, Hosting, Acting

Did you take up any new hobbies during the quarantine? If so, what?
Not yet. I may start working more diligently on some cosplay or my cello, though

Do you play video games? If so, what are some of your favorites?
I do! Some of my favorites are the Fallout Series, Borderlands Series, and Knights of the Old Republic

Do you have any favorite stand-up comedians?
Several; most are dead now

What’s the most important thing in your life at the moment?
Surviving until COVID has lifted

What’s your favorite thing to do on a rainy day?
Cold rain- drink warm drinks and play video games
Warm rain- drink cool drinks and read

What’s the best memory you have before age 16?
Tricky as my favorite memory happened a month after turning 16. Best memory prior to that is likely the first and only Christmas (as a child) that I actually got something I asked for as a Christmas Present.

What’s the best memory you have in your 20s?
The first Chicago Trip with Shanon

What was your usual morning routine before the pandemic? Has that changed?
My usual morning routine has gotten lazier. I used to be good about waking up, getting dressed, getting out of the door. Now I’m just… fuck it. Doesn’t matter when I get in to work. The Work from Office requirement is stupid anyway.

Who was the first person you fell in love with? Do you still talk to that person?
There’s a part of me that wants to argue this whole question but I’ll sidestep that. The first person I ever thought I was in love with has moved out of the country and I haven’t seen her in decades but for her Facebook Posts and videos of her playing her instrument at Burning Man

Who was the last person that made you smile and what did they do?
Victoria last night by expressing an enthusiasm to see me

What books, if any, have you read this year?
Topping- a book on ethical Top Behavior.
Mona Lisa Overdrive

What are some things you want to do before the year ends?
Finish two more books; beat a few more video games; get my house emptied out of Nancy’s stuff; find a cleaner

What do you hope is invented within your lifetime?
Renewable, widely used, cheap energy source(s) that doesn’t hurt the earth or any living creature

Would you prefer flying cars or jetpacks?
Flying Cars; jetpacks need too much regulation and are too easy to screw up. Flying Cars could have the paperwork handled as to regulation prior to purchase.

Has anyone ever told you they needed space?
Yes, but almost always it was a cop out. Like “seeing each other once a month, and going to different college”.... how does that create a “need space” situation?

Do you actually think there will be a zombie apocalypse?
Not as we understand it, no. Will there be a viral outbreak that contributes to the destruction of society which may also demonstrate the ease with which man turns on itself? Fairly sure we’re still in the middle of that one.

What color is your hair brush and how long have you had it?
I use a black comb

When was the last time you had Manwich?
Years and years! I can’t remember if I had one while working for the Chinese. If not, then maybe even a decade or more!

Do you like the person you’ve become over the past years?
Not really. If I had it to do over, I would. Thought “staying true to your values” is what demonstrated Good Character. But if those values are directly opposed to happiness, then they should be re-evaluated.

Have you ever gone to church just to get a significant other?
Fuck no; but my parents have started to use that angle. They were pushing HARD to get me back into church and I kept telling them… when I find a church that believes Christianity is an act of love not judgment, then I’ll go back.

Do you get offended really easily?
Not typically; but I get critical easily. So if someone is saying something that, were a person to interrupt, would respond “Don’t get offended, it’s a joke”.... I’m that way with critical things. Like if someone makes a joke with the punchline insinuating that women are dumber than men; I may be more inclined to point out that Donna Strickland, Tu Youyou, and Ada Yonath would beg to differ.

Have you ever punched a wall out of complete anger?
I have.... freaked the FUCK out of my best buy colleagues

Is there anyone out there you’d like to attack right now?
Define attack; because the idea of ‘doing what is within my power to seek justice or revenge’ the answer is personally and professionally always yes

Ever been turned down in a really mean way?
Several times. In fact, that was the only way I was turned down in College

Is there anyone out there who says they love you daily?
Lavender does whenever we talk and as she’s the only one, that’s nice

Are you really ticklish?
Only on my feet if I’m not actively resisting

When was the last time you fell down?
I assume sometime last week when my pain was bad, but don’t have a clear memory of it

Do you currently have a pair of UGG boots?
I do not

Are you someone who only wears brand names?
No, my brand preferences go towards food and electronics not clothing

Do you have an accent? Do people confuse what you say sometimes?
I have what would be considered the standard “flat” midwest accent… the “News Reporter” Standard… often misstated as “no accent”.

Would you rather take a bath or a shower?
I typically take showers but I love baths

Do you know anyone who can sing screamo music?
Definitely

Have you ever owned one of those slip-n-slides?
I did not! We never had one!!

How many people live in the same house with you?
Just me. As part of my dad’s “you can’t handle the dog and this house” speech when I objected, he stated that I should at least get a room mate. Considering my job, it isn’t that easy. So I did give some mild consideration to… Essen & the Kids will need somewhere to go… it’s a possibility.

Where is your favorite place to shop in the mall?
I don’t go to malls much but it would be Game Stop and Borders

What is the color of the walls in your bedroom?
White

When was the last time you had a stomach ache?
A while ago, I don’t even really get hunger pains even.

At what age were you when you lost your virginity?
21

Have you ever been to camp?
Many times and many different kinds

Are you someone who will eat ranch dressing with anything?
I mean I can, but it isn’t necessary

Do you have any hickeys?
Have not had a hickey since Senior Year in High School

Animated character that was your gay awakening?
Not exactly Gay Awakening but Ruka Urushibara

Grilled cheese or PB&J?
Grilled cheese.

What show/YouTube video(s) do you put on in the background when you don’t have anything to watch but you want something on?
COUB or anything Gifs with Sound

Your go-to bar order, if you drink?
Rum and Coke, Whiskey and Coke, or a Manhattan

What’s your favorite pair of shoes that you own?
Whichever has intact shoe laces, isn’t ripping at the seams, and doesn’t have dog poop… so that’s like a single pair

What was your first word as a child (that wasn’t a variation of “Mom” or “Dad”)?
There is debate over this. My father says “Tikatika” but my mother and an understanding of my own vocal processes would say “Babkibaba”

What’s a job that you’ve had that people might be surprised to find out you’ve had?
Selling novelty Magic Tricks

Look up. What’s directly across from you?
Closet Door

Do you own any signed books/memorabilia in general?
I do… and will continue to collect more when Conventions are safe again

Preferred way to spend a rainy day?
Drinks, Games, Orgasms

What do you get on your bagels? What WOULD you get if you had access to anything you wanted?
Cheese, hot sauce, and green pepper

Brunch or midnight snacks?
Brunch, I’m super white WASPy, lol

Fruity or herbal teas?
I like them both. Typically, in the mood for something more fruity, I’ll admit

What’s that one TV show that you’re a little bit embarrassed to watch but you still like nonetheless?
I used to be a lot more embarrassed about my hardcore Buffy/Angel fandom

That book you were forced to read for class but actually ended up enjoying?
I am Regina

Do you match your socks?
Almost always

Have you ever been horseback riding?
Several times

What was your “phase” when you were younger? (i.e., Mythology Nerd, Horse Girl, Space Geek, etc)
All? lol… many still ongoing. lol

Have you ever been to jail?
I used to work at a jail, and visited clients in jail; but I have never been incarcerated

What’s your opinion on Lazy Susans (the spinning tray in the middle of tables)?
Certainly have their uses but not for all tables or needs

Puzzles?
Typically enjoy them provided I know that if I can’t get the answer someone can give it to me.

You can only have one juice for the rest of your life, what is it?
Fruit Punch

What section do you immediately head for when you walk into a bookstore?
Comics and Manga

What’s one thing you’re trying to learn/relearn in your downtime right now?
How to adult(!)

Where could someone find you in a museum?
Depends on the museum… living history, natural history, art, fashion, performance??

What’s that one outfit in your closet you never get the chance to wear but want to?
I have a Tuxedo that I’m not even sure if it fits because there’s simply ever an occasion for it.

Rainbows, stars, or sunset colored clouds?
Stars if it is a clear enough night to see them

How do you dress when you’re home alone?
Naked, or sweatpants no shirt

Where do you sit in the living room (we all have a preferred spot, and you know it)?
Far right of the couch across from the TV

Pick an old-school Disney Channel Original Movie
Zeetis Lapeetis, because Xenon would be considered old school these days

Are you a “Quote that relates to the photos” caption-er, an “explanation of where I took the photos” caption-er, or a no caption kinda person when you post pictures online?
I rarely post photos of anything other than Nala… and when I post those, the caption is something that deals with the subject like “She’s adorable asleep” or “this blur is ZOOMIES”

Name a classic Vine
HA! I was too old for vine

What’s the freezer food that you stock up on when you go to the grocery store?
Diet Microwave Meals

How do you top your ice cream?
Chocolate Syrup, Hot Fudge… if anything

Do you like Jello?
I like it well enough but not enough to actually make it myself

How are you at climbing trees?
I used to be quite good but my body changed, the trees changed, and I would have to say “quite poor” now