PTSD. in Since OD is shutting down....

I honestly wonder if I have PTSD because I’ve had so many bad experiences with things. Like I’ll just have flashbacks of my old job to the point where I start crying. I have horrible anxiety and sometimes it’s crippling. I just can’t have a job take over my life. My daughter only has 1 parent and I need to able to be as present as I can. I don’t want her at daycare any more than what’s necessary. I’ve never been a fan of daycares because most of those places only care about the paychecks. I know my daycare is probably better than most but there’s definitely been a lot more issues than I ever thought I’d deal with too. I am just so terrified of something happening to her and it makes it hard to want to leave her there. Then I had a job where I never got off work on time which just intensified my anxiety.

I had a friend post for me to help me look for jobs outside of what I’m used to seeing online. I just don’t want to be stuck at another dead end job, making kibbles, and not get to have any freedom outside of it. I’ve lived that shit for 7 fucking years and I’m not going it again. I honestly am going to look into work at home type jobs because of my anxiety and just want my daughter home with me.

I am angry that I allowed myself to put up with as much as I did for as long as I did but now, I’m going to find what I’m looking for and actually be happy. I wasn’t happy at my last job for several years and then gained a bunch of weight, smoked like a fucking chimney and drank enough energy drinks to take me into another dimension. I seriously ran on hatred and nicotine.

Believe me, I understand that life isn’t fair. I understand it after everything I’ve dealt with but I want to be a Mom too. I get we don’t always get to do what we want but I’m not going to settle for never getting to do anything fun with my kid either. There has to be a happy medium and I’m going to find it or die trying.