Therapy and Surveys in Book Seven: Reconstruction 2020

I’ll summarize therapy really quickly:
“So your parents… what is the protocol there, then?”
We’re supposed to call them.
“Is that always true?”
No, they used to call me a little more. But ever since problems with Nancy and the Separation they do it a lot less.
“So… you’re feeling rejected by your parents, rejected by Nancy, having troubles with Victoria… no wonder your journal says in so many places you just want someone to choose you. All the people in your support network, people who have said they love you or want to be with you in some way, have have done or said things that make you feel lesser in some pretty big ways. No wonder you want someone to choose you.”
And it got me thinking. Yeah. As far as “reaching out”… in so many of my relationships… it’s been me reaching out. I just… want someone in my immediate sphere of influence to hold out their hand and let me grab it.

What does your online diary name mean, and why did you pick it?
Park Row Fallout is a reference to Batman. The old story is familiar to many but young Bruce Wayne lost his parents on night to a killer after they were shot in an alley commonly called “Crime Alley”. The in-universe name of that street in many iterations is “Park Row”… therefore everything that happened to Bruce Wayne, Batman, and everything that happened to Gotham after those events is “Park Row Fallout”

When did you first get an online diary?
I started my very first one on Open Diary when I was in High School around the year 2000. Twenty years ago! That particular one is long since deleted. This present one started there after I discovered in Law School that I really didn’t have anyone to talk to about my failing, miserable marriage. I was only 2 to 3 years into it at the time! Open Diary closed down, I followed the exodus here and I’ve liked it here more than any other site I’ve tried or used.

Why did you first start an online diary?
I first started on online journal because I was an emotional kid who liked to read and write and had almost no friends. My father, as well as most of the school, thought that the Drama Loving Rail Thin Late to Pubescence young man was a homosexual and treated me as such. It is… quite something to honestly be able to say “I understand” when talking to homosexual victims of bullying, but they don’t believe me.

How did you find OD/Prosebox?
I found OD simply by trying to find online diary spaces. Prosebox was because… after my long hiatus and rather shitty previous OD readers… my new readers were much better… helpful, not judgmental; encouraging, not discouraging; sage, and not catty. So I wanted to follow whatever writing location they recommended… even if we didn’t find each other after the shift. I felt that wherever they chose to go they would either make better or were drawn to because it fit their personalities.

When writing an entry, do you believe you are writing for you or the reader?
I’ll admit, I often attempt to tailor my language and have even begun censoring some content based on “writing for the reader” but almost always my first motivation is for myself. Writing helps me process and makes me feel less alone. Two things I’ve needed a lot in the last 7 years!

When writing an entry, are you completely honest?
I’m an attorney. I could say yes but or no and or I could simply say I give all of the relevant information I can while keeping in mind things like brevity, paraphrase, anonymity, and potential embarrassment to others. I try not to spare myself embarrassment here but I’m not so quick to embarrass someone else.

Describe your writing setting:
On my desktop at work or on my desktop at home; they’re practically identical which… was a good idea. Until it seems that all I ever do is “be on the computer at work” anymore.

Is anyone that you know (in real life) allowed to read your diary?
I’ve tried that before and frankly, I don’t like it. I fear that there is always too much expectation to know what they think, how they feel, give me some form of feedback. Now, that being said… I am facebook friends with some folks I’ve met through here… I’ve shared e-mails… I’ve even facetimed but… in all of those cases the friendship started here before going outside of this space.

Do you know anyone in real life with a diary, which you are allowed to read?
I know of a few people irl that have diaries here but I have protected their desire to remain anonymous and so intentionally do not read what they write.

Has anyone found your diary that you really didn’t want to find it?
I have my suspicions but nothing concrete

Do you believe writing in your online diary is therapeutic?
Absolutely

How many entries do you have?
rofl… thousands friend. Thousands

Do you have any entries that are private?
I do indeed!!

How many favorites do you have?
Tragically more than I seem capable of keeping up with sustainably.

Do you know who your first favorite was?
I had a feeling but nothing I can say with confidence

Have you ever written an entry while too intoxicated?
Almost definitely. But I don’t think I was ever called out for it. Suggesting my writing while inebriated is close enough to my normal writing.

Do you feel accepted by the diary community?
More or less. It honestly comes and goes as the seasons pass; but this has been the most welcoming internet community I’ve ever found.

Have you secretly fell in love (or had a crush on) a diarist?
Had a crush maybe… or had a maddening desire to peer behind the pages… but nothing solid. Unless you count that one girl that may have been a catfish but… that’s a story for another time, perhaps.

Have you ever read an entry that really moved you? What was it about?
I’ve certainly read some entries that grabbed my emotions. Sorrow, joy, pride… for many, you can’t read what they write without beginning to actually emote for/with the writer. I cannot recall any specifically right now, but I’m certain it has happened

Has anyone written an entry that made you cry?
I can remember a few, but only vaguely

What are your favorite kinds of entries to read?
My favorite entries to read are the ones written with passion, emotion, vigor. Whether amorous, or sorrowful, or enraged… really seeing a person’s emotions in their words!

After writing an entry, how long do you wait to see if you have comments?
So… I spend too much time alone. I am a comment WHORE. I check all the damned time. The honest answer to this question? About 10 to 20 minutes

If you don’t have comments, do you feel let down?
Not let down so much as… unsettled. Like… was this one upsetting… or repetitive or too long or.... what happened?

How many comments do you usually get?
Entirely depends on the entry. Anywhere from 0 to 16

Did you know the more comments you leave, the more notes you get?
Oh, no doubt!! That’s why I’m bummed I’m not as good at reading as I was during law school!!!!

Do you delete mean or nasty comments?
Not usually, as I’ll either respond or watch my readers’ respond. But occasionally I will.

Have you ever left a nasty comment and not signed your name?
Fuck no. If I leave a nasty comment intentionally you need to know who said it so that you know either (1) I ain’t fucking around; or (2) it was said for a reason.

Have you ever left a comment on a person’s diary just to make them feel better?
Oh absolutely. Part of any community is supporting one another

Do you keep a paper copy of your online diary?
Negative. I used to have paper copies of things and that way leads to panic.

Do you go back and re-read your past entries?
I’ve certainly started doing so more now. As a way to remind myself “Okay, this sucks. But remember how much this sucked? Like… at least you’ve made some forward progress, kid!”

What’s the most interesting thing you can think of about OpenDiary/PB?
The fact that there is at least a slim possibility that if I traveled to Britain or Australia or Canada there might be someone there willing to hoist a few with me.