Weekend of shame. in Since OD is shutting down....

Um yeah so my loneliness got the best of me again and I spent the night with my ex Sunday night. We had a good time, talked til 3 am but then yesterday he started being a dick again. Things weren't going his way so he went back to his old self of being mean. Needless to say, he's back on my Facebook blocked list.

I've realized that with both of my ex's, it's time that I accept the fact that it's not them it's me. I have to understand that both of them are dead ends. Nothing is EVER GOING TO CHANGE and I have to leave them behind. I guess I just needed that extra reassurance that things were bad so that I can move on. I know that John has a lot of issues but I was really hoping we could have a healthy relationship as friends but again, it doesn't matter how much time goes by, it's never going to happen.

I spend most of my time trying to feel special when honestly, the only time I really hear from anyone is when they need something. I just feel so invisible, so unimportant and it really gets to me. I just don't know what to do about this. I want so badly to be happy, to have reasons to get up in the morning, to have shit to look forward to but my situation is just not getting any better.

On top of it all, I'm just exhausted. I wish I could just take 2 or 3 days to just sleep. I'm so sick of always being in a fucking hurry but yet I feel like I'm not getting anything done. I have shit load of math homework to do and don't know when I'll have the time or energy to actually get it done because I only have one days off this week and don't want to spend my day doing it. I'm just getting so angry about everything. I honestly feel like giving up. I don't know what I'm working for. I feel like I'm just spinning wheels and I'm running out of hope of things getting better. It's been years of my life being lived alone and I don't know how much longer I can deal with this shit. There's times when I'm driving I want to try and roll my car or go off a bridge but knowing my luck I wouldn't die and would just be stuck with a wrecked car.

I don't have any faith in God whatsoever. If there was God, then why would all this bad shit happen to me?! I just feel so broken, empty, and alone.

Time for work. Yay.