Short Follow Up in Book Seven: Reconstruction 2020

This is a short follow up to what I’ve been writing in the last two entries, apparently.

I am SUPER happy that when Nancy was over yesterday, she fixed the couch. She texted me about it, I checked, it got done. Awesome. I texted her asking what her Veterans Day looked like… because she still needs to sign some banking documents! She has class all day. Okay. So… I need to just lay it out for her. Set up the steps.
(1) All your shit out
(2) Keys and Garage Door opener handed over
(3) Banking Documents signed
(4) Everything but the Divorce decree

by December 31st!

But before I get my Lawyer Adult Male “You aren’t the only woman to have sex with me anymore” Big Boy Attitude up....

She texts me a Blu Ray DVD of my Favorite Doctor from Classic Doctor Who. And says, “Guess what I bought?! I was so excited to see it! This is amazing!”

And… totally took the wind out of my Big Boy sails.

Because this is a woman that did NOT like spending money. Even some of her favorite movies or things; she’d agonize over the purchase.

And… my immediate thought was… I brought her something that brings her joy. I’m angry about if/when she takes it away from me and makes me replace it but… at least… I guess… part of it is… I don’t know. This sounds psychotic on paper. But… she rejected me as a husband and as a lover but not as a person and it can be hard to synchronize (not the word I’m looking for) all of that. Because clearly… she likes me as a person. She wants me to do well (she’s said). She’s actually stated how she’s “really bummed out” at my lack of success on dating apps. AND she said (after showing me the picture and some delay) “I’ve just really missed hanging out on the sofa watching my classic Dr Who recordings.” Which is likely as close as I’ll ever get to her saying she misses me… because obviously she doesn’t… but she misses what I provided. The ability to sit on the couch and watch old Dr. Who episodes.

And in the grand scheme of things? If she were more emotionally aware and I had been who I am now? I entirely believe Nancy and I would have been somewhat like Victoria and I. We’d be cuddle friends that made out and perhaps, when the mood was strong, have fucked around a little. But… the way both of us were back then? It was, it had to be, fall in love, get married… end this way. And I try to keep telling myself it isn’t my fault but… ultimately as it would have to have ended this way… I kick myself for not doing it sooner.