I Don't Like in Book Seven: Reconstruction 2020

I don’t like emotions that confuse me. I’m pretty clear about that. I’ll obsess over something until I understand it, if I care enough. Which is odd… I lost a case this week and… not obsessing over how I lost that. Because I don’t care. It was an Eye Witness Accusation versus Defendant denying the actions on the stand. A jury would have said, “The kid is lying, he has reason to lie. The witness is telling the truth, she has no reason to lie.” But a judge, regrettably, says “Both witnesses gave testimony under oath, we are required to accept that the oath was understood and adhered to but for obvious or proven instances of intentional deceit. At the case before the court, the Defendant is innocent until proven beyond a reasonable doubt that he is guilty. The testimony given, taken as honest, establishes that the Defendant was in a better position to know what he was doing than the eye witness.” So… I’m not obsessing over it… because it is bullshit. A 34 year old eye witness versus a 16 year old kid with a long criminal history.... guess which one is least likely to give a flying fuck about the “oath to tell the truth”?? So… lost, but understand it, but not happy. So I don’t need to obsess.

My own conflicting emotions, especially when those emotions fly so opposite as to any logic… that’s a different matter. And that, as you’ve seen, has been happening a lot this year.

But… I’m taking some baby steps towards doing better… maybe??

I had the conversation with Nancy a while ago that she needed the big furniture pieces out by the first week in November. That was accomplished. Okay. Now, the part where I push the Finish Line. And… it shouldn’t.... But it’s increasing my anxiety. How weird is this?! I’ve already told Nancy- we’re done. I’ve already told Nancy- get out. I’ve already told Nancy- get your furniture out. Now that we’ve arrived to the “I’m done waiting. I want keys, garage door opener, and everything out and taken care of by Year’s End”… there’s just this… fear mixed with sadness. Like… WHY the fear? Obviously, it is because I spent the last 10 years trying to get this woman to love me and taking steps towards removing her from my life means that entire series is over without possibility of renewal. But then… I don’t want renewal so that seems confusing. Like… why is being rigid and firm with Nancy such a difficult thing for me? She isn’t someone I owe ANYTHING to. She’s taken and taken until I’ve been hollowed out. She transformed me from a high energy person that hugged everyone to a tired cagey person that has to be repeatedly told I’m allowed to touch someone. Like… THE FUCK… this woman messed you up and continues to give zero shits. Why the anxiety in telling her to fuck off?