I waaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnt in Book Seven: Reconstruction 2020

to write some poetry. But I am worried it would come across as lacking in subtlety, being whiny, being annoying, or being entirely ignorable. Bah.

So instead… I’l jot down notes and then expand those notes after work hours.

EXPANDED

My Five Mantras:
(1) We fight, not expecting to win, but because we refuse to lose.
(2) Strong is fighting! It’s hard, and it’s painful, and it’s every day. It’s what we have to do.
(3) We live as though the world were as it should be, to show it what it can be.
(4) It is better to lose with honor than to win and forsake everything you care about.
(5) Each person feels pain in his own way, each has his own scars.

And then here’s a fun game, lol. We (Essen, Remus, Victoria) were discussing music and Essen said, “I remember buying Meteora when I was 11 and my parents trying to confiscate it because the music was ‘inappropriate’ for a ‘bright young girl’ to listen to.”
I.
Felt.
So.
Old. lol.
I distinctly remember buying Meteora at the same time as Bloodrayne 2 for PS2 because I thought that Linkin Park made a better soundtrack to the game. I WAS A JUNIOR IN COLLEGE at the time!! OOF!! Though it once again makes me think (a bit)… “Man, am I too old to try to....” and then I shake the thought. I have work to do, I don’t need to go down that thought spiral right now. Especially as my boss has depositions right now and… maybe I am an empath. Because I’m not even involved and I can feel these GIANT WAVES of emotional energy just crashing into me as the victim (I can’t hear the words, only the sounds) screams and sobs and cries and wails. Typically, it would be my case due to the emotional involvement but the deep victimization happened in a different county, we’re just playing clean up on some property that got destroyed as she fled her attacker into our county. So… property matter… my boss’ case. But… WOW there are some powerful emotions coming from down the hall, fuck!

NOT aided by the now seven e-mails I have from the Clerk! “What about this case?” Gosh, that looks like my boss’ case maybe ask him. “He’s busy and I want to get this done now. What about this case?” For… I can’t be the only person that grew up with “Your emergency is not my problem”, right?? Like… in my line of work, obviously that isn’t always true. But when it is a paperwork matter that doesn’t need to be resolved until the end of the fiscal quarter?? October is the BEGINNING of our fiscal quarter. I get that you want to “start strong” but… you don’t need to send that many “But LOOK” while our office is already busy. K Thnx Bye!

UGH! Sorry, sorry. I just… hate when reality interferes with my ethics.
GRAY AREA: A defendant has a warrant out because they didn’t do something. I know the Defendant is in jail in a different county. I could contact the attorney in the case but I don’t know his name or his number. Instead, I contacted the County Attorney in that case and just said, “Hey. You have a prisoner with an attorney. Could you… let the prisoner or the attorney know? Thanks.” Because again… not my job to manage other attorney’s clients or their relationships but… this is the issue. Where does “just doing your job and nothing more” meet “maintaining professional ethics to the highest degree?”

Expanding this note… I think I remember what I was going for?
One of the really cool things about social media is that I get access to a more diverse friend group. Multi-ethnic, multi-background, multi-everything! Which is really cool because that also helps to expose me to various concepts and cultures and perspectives I otherwise wouldn’t have access to. But then I’m stuck with that knowledge, that realization, and that predicament. Like… there was this amazing content on Black Creators and the unique vision of this handful of urban creators doing this impressive work… and I was like…yeah, that’d be cool..... hrm. Then I saw this wicked thing about Samba and Latinx music blending with some Reggaeton and the dances overlapping and becoming this beautiful fusion… and I thought… huh… I think there was a Samba class in Des Moines when I was growing up. It’s just… it does remind me that Rural Small Town White as Hell Iowa is… probably what looks like the best place for me but… man, white people be crazy. lol.

Hehehe.. the note on this is funny because it is essentially just glasses and ever more emphatic tali-marks. SO… last week the kids broke my glasses. Like… Victoria’s son was playing with them and the right ear snapped off in his hands. Remus, eternally more handy than I, grabbed some super glue and put the ear piece back on so I could at least wear my glasses again. But they’re too wide now. So they keep slipping off my face. Very annoying as these are my most recent Rx. Even more annoying since to get the glasses fixed or get my current backup pair to the current Rx? Even if I went local would have to be time off work due to the 9-5 closed at noon for lunch approach the local places have. GR!

Different statement: Saw this


And it made me think of Nancy. How her mom and dad never really held her or spent a lot of time with her as a baby (according to her). And how she just never really understood why I would want hugs, or cuddles, or sex. And then how even to her own admission, fear kind of ruled her life. Especially fear of change (mom did NOT handle the change of New Baby well) and how not getting oxytocin just… kept fear as her most comfortable, paralyzing emotional motivator. I don’t know. Just a thought.

Heh. So after a very long stretch of pushing hard today… my body and brain almost audibly went “We’re done!” So I spent the last hour of work going over the notes jotted and expanded them. And now, it is dwindling down to the end of the day. And… I don’t know. Victoria coming over at “some point” to do we don’t know. Honestly, the spontaneity and unpredictability she provides to my life is something that IS seriously important for me to learn. Not everything can be set to a rigid schedule and a lawyer, especially, should know that.

Oh… good news, bad news. Got a new conversation started on a dating ap! AND so far, not a bot. However, here is direct quotes from ALL of her messages to me.

“been rough, y’know lmao”
“working. I’m a CNA”
“hard. lol. you?”
“Nice! lol”
“True lol”

I just… I’m… am I the bizarre one? To have actual conversations via text. With like… words.. and ideas. Subject matter and verbs and thoughts? Or does that just show how impossibly old I am? That I tend to believe an online interaction (aside form SnapChat of course) can and perhaps should include words, thoughts, and the exchanging of ideas. As to what I’ve brought to the conversation? Things like “How are you handling COVID?” and “What’s been taking up most of your time these days?” a personal anecdote about staying social but safe. Like… I don’t know. I’m trying to mix up asking questions and sharing about myself and… no conversation. I’m new to this world though so… am I doing something incorrectly?