Let's Put It All Out There in Book Seven: Reconstruction 2020

Some notes from the last few days have been amazing… some… not so much. Some of you have seen and understood what’s going on. Others haven’t. That’s fair. Ultimately, here’s the only thing you need to know right now:

This is the place where I put the distracting, upsetting, unpleasant thoughts so that I can get through my day. I was in an incredibly withholding marriage until I finally said ENOUGH. This was a woman who had been in my life from when I was 20 until I was 36. Consider right now yourself, your friends, your children. View them as they are now. And try to imagine the person they will be in 16 years time. Consider Victoria’s daughter. She is 3 now… she hasn’t even started school yet. In 16 years time, she will have graduated from High School.

But I knew what was coming. I rarely do things impulsively, why else do you believe it took so long to finally give up on my marriage? It was obvious for years that the woman wanted nothing to do with me sexually and thought saying “I love you” was repugnant. But I think things through because I want to do my best for myself and those around me. I had a plan. I was even looking forward to those scary things like “first time going to the movie theater alone” and “first time going to a restaurant alone”. I mean… anxiety-inducing, but important steps!! And to make sure it wasn’t all about “embracing my alone time”, I had worked out calendars! I was finally going to see my friends in Colorado! I was going to spend a lot more time in Des Moines. I was even going to make it an important monthly or every other month thing for MBFITWW and I to actually GO OUT to a bar or a place where the possibility of meeting other people was present. And my brother had an almost weekly board game hang out at his place on Sundays… so that was something I could count on maybe. Anyway, there were other things I had planned for getting through everything. I was nervous as hell about the Okoboji retreat because in the years and years and years that I have been going to Okoboji… I was never there as a single adult male! It was… exciting, but scary. And then I was going to go on the Very Last Ever Cruiser Boat Trip with my family and a longtime family friend. One week surrounded by people that loved me on a boat in the middle of Canada. Even just sleeping on the boat and reading would have been restorative to my soul! And then the Grand Piece de Resistance!! A possible mini-trip to LA to visit friends and family before finally going to visit Japan!! That was… oh, a trip of a lifetime! Not to mention, I’d be still doing the Spring Play and the Fall Play and through those connections, trying to make friends and professional acquaintances around town.

NEED I REMIND YOU THAT EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THOSE PLANS WAS CANCELLED DUE TO A GLOBAL PANDEMIC?

So yes. My difficulty in handling things is largely because every plan I had made TO handle things fell through. Instead of going to places that had other people, instead of visiting friends, instead of travelling, instead of doing anything… I was stuck at home. Alone. In a large house purchased with the intent that one day, I would have a family here. A house which throughout this process, has remained a place quite literally filled with things reminding me that Nancy is gone and happy with someone else. I can’t go to the movie theater. I can’t go to a restaurant. I can’t even go visit MBFITWW. I’m visiting my parents, which is a controversial decision. And I’ve opened up my house to my friends with children, so that their kids aren’t always on top of them.

The previous plan that would have kept me busy and occupied would have acted as both distraction and healing. Instead, I got to sit and dwell… while continuing to work… in a year that has seen a state-wide increase in Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault.

So yes. My thoughts tend to be looping. I tend to focus too much on things that might not matter or may seem silly or may downright seem depressing. The truth is, I put everything I had into trying to make my marriage work. And it clearly didn’t. And my wife clearly didn’t care at any point about that. And after being with someone for 16 years and realizing that everything was for nothing… and realizing that there’s nothing I can do to make that better… and knowing that I am literally powerless to do anything about this virus that continues to make things like “go to the pub” a bad health decision? Well… here’s where I am folks. Trying to push through. Going to therapy. Trying to make the job work in all of the chaos that is Courts Open But COVID Active. Doing what I can to keep pushing forward every day. And yeah. I’m going to have looping thoughts. I’m going to see the fact that I can’t even get a conversation going with a stranger as worrying. I’m going to start doing the math on what age is inappropriate to date while determining at what age possible pregnancy could become a health hazard. I’m going to do my best to ignore that if history informs the present; I’m pretty much fucked as far as romantic opportunity. But sometimes… I can’t. Sometimes, I’ve used my spoons on other things.

All that said… I have been indulging the emotional side of things for a while. Should tell you about some other stuff. ‘Course, I can’t promise that emotion won’t be involved but… we’ll just see about it when it comes.

With evening coming earlier and earlier, I became quite aware that Nala and the backyard would be bathed in pitch night a lot more often. She still would want to play fetch and be outside, but here I don’t have as good of night vision as she does. So, fingers crossed, I ordered some solar lamps for the backyard. They came today and I set ‘em up. I will likely play around with the arrangement for best exposure and all but I have to say - they are doing better than I expected them to!

Then as I was going through mail, I saw that there was a check for Nancy that had to be deposited within 60 days (it said 90 but was issued 30 days ago). So I called her. And she was at her man’s. And… it was weird. She was talking like… best way to say it would be like this is ten years from now. Like we’re friends and social and cordial and of course I’d want to know how her school work had been coming along and… weird. I mean… I was aware that she processed emotions and relationships in a weird fashion but… this was… weird. Like… lady, you were sobbingly begging to stay in the marriage less than a year ago. But… I guess as long as she has someone taking care of her, she resets? I don’t fucking know.

Then I actually got ALMOST everything cleaned! I still have a load of dishes that will be clean in the dishwasher (once the load actually finishes) and then 4 pots that will need to be finalized in the handwashing stages… but then (finally) my kitchen and dining area will actually be clean! Just in time for Victoria to come over tomorrow. Not sure what the plan is there. She wants to watch My Hero but… Nancy took honestly… most of my anime. Which… surprisingly REALLY pissed off MBFITWW so… that was surprising. We’ll see what happens. I don’t know what the food situation is going to be, if there will be sex involved, if it’s just cuddling, or if it is just talking. And a part of me LIKES not knowing. I’ll admit. But another part of me genuinely has begun to wonder… is Victoria capable of being friends with a man without any sexual connection? I don’t mean penetrative sex I mean… scene partner, rope mentor, etc. Just a curiosity that popped into my head.

After all of that? Oh boy. Essen’s issues have worsened considerably. One of the reasons to intentionally not involve myself there as a potential romantic future. I mean, that isn’t a judgment call against her as a person. That’s a judgment call as an individual assessing complicated scenarios. But I will say her situation reminded me of why I do what I do. I still believe in honor, character, and integrity. And there are a LOT of people that succeed BIG TIME by pissing all over those values. My fight for those things won’t change the world but… at least if I win a few cases, inspire the right people… maybe honor, character, and integrity might matter to a few extra people after I’m gone.

Then today at work… actually… I’m procrastinating. lol.

I have to get back to the Clerk of Court because her records are messed up because the judge was lazy so I need to fix that. Of course… I don’t want to, lol. I’d much rather have the Clerk of Court (who is, in some ways, the judge’s secretary) poke her head in the judge’s office (since they share the same building… and floor… and 30 foot radius) and ask him “Hey, can you just fix this for me?” As opposed to sending me an e-mail… in a different building on a different street… asking me to draft something official and potentially upsetting… to formally request that the judge fix an error. This is made especially more pertinent when it turns out NOT to be a judicial error but a clerical one. Because then the judge essentially writes an order with the colloquial meaning of “Get bent.” I mean, this is the law in some ways. People pushing responsibility off. But… it can be weird when the easy, simple, polite way of handling something is so passionately rejected.

Then I have to track down an attorney and let him know… “I get that your client is already in jail when he got the new charges… because they stem from his conduct in jail. But… uhm. He can’t be trying to call me directly since he has counsel. I haven’t listened to his multitude of voice mails nor have I opened his forest’s worth of correspondence as it is unethical for me to have contact with him while he is represented by an attorney. But… uhm… could you talk to him? And maybe encourage that he spend this level of… enthusiasm… on communicating with your office?”

Then… drafting a Juvenile Criminal Charge. More of them. And yes, we’re seeing an increase in these, too. Not just from the STS. Honestly, it makes a certain kind of sense. We’ve all been exposed to “extended trauma” this year and the children that were most “in jeopardy of criminal activity” before are just getting that extra Anxiety and Instability push to send them over the edge. And that pretty clearly plays in the case at chief. A 15 year old was going 100 miles per hour (likely pissed and definitely feeling cooped up) and when cops tried to pull her over, she sped more. Eventually losing control in a ditch. Upon searching her for broken bones, injuries, or contraband- it was discovered that she had two plastic baggies absolutely filled with Marijuana. All of that… the speed, the running away, and the marijuana are Indictable Offenses.

Then… a phone call with an attorney about his Juvenile Client who believes that “If I’m big enough to beat somebody down, I do it. That’s what being a man IS.” Kid? You’re setting yourself up for a world of hurt. I can’t do as much as I’d like, that’s true. But I’m going to do everything I can.

THEN AFTER ALL OF THAT… planning and scheduling and working for tomorrow’s however many insane level of hearings.

Fun thing… as much as I’m procrastinating the above? I’m still acceptable at my job. Handling emergencies, pivoting on a dime to resolve issues that “can’t wait.” I’m just… bah. I’m sludging through my own version of the extended trauma motif. A smarter man than I would have gone out of his way to study and memorize Secondary Trauma Coping Techniques in March when everything fell apart. This is a lesson I should learn and have not yet. WHEN THINGS FALL APART, PICK UP QUICKER AND GATHER THE RESOURCES TO HEAL SMARTER!

Ah well. Time to get to it, I suppose.