The Duality Push in Book Seven: Reconstruction 2020

This is likely juvenile and immature and beneath me but…
I have quite the strong urge to simply distance myself from Victoria and Remus and Essen.
Remus changed the name of our Group Chat to Polycule… then just to The Cule. And I have to admit… that rather pisses me off. Polycule is a way of describing the interconnected relationships among a group of people engaged in polyamorous relationships. And perhaps this is me splitting hairs or being a bit too technical but… I thought it was rather bloody clear that I am not in a poly-relationship. I am friends with Remus and friends with Essen and friends with Victoria… and yes, Victoria has added a sexual component to that friendship while being very clear that nothing more than that will be pursued. In some ways, I feel like a Secondary Male Character in a Harem Anime. Sure, I get a pity lay every so often but the main story is elsewhere!

At the same time, though… these are the only friends I’ve got within an hour’s drive. And just… throwing a tantrum because my life is devastatingly lonely isn’t exactly up to par for a 36 year old professional.

But at the same time? I mean… how can I be cool being part of a friend group when it has now become 2 Women Interested in Remus… and Chris. I felt right out of place BEFORE as the only one that didn’t have kids. Now I get to feel more out of place as the damned thing devolves into Two Women with Feelings for One Man… and Chris.

It’s fine anyway. This is just me being salty, I’m sure. I mean it isn’t. I think my issues are legitimate. I think this little friend group is bordering on the Junior High School level in some regards. I think, not to disrespect those who chose a poly-amorous lifestyle, that I am 36 and tired… so I don’t have the energy, the desire, or the inclination to continue to play connect the dots. Victoria is married, but has a boyfriend, but has a FWB, but has a few guys she’ll call up from time to time. Remus is married, but has a committed partner who is physically female but identifies as a male, but he is also open to having more romantic partners if the opportunity arises. Essen was in a physically abusive relationship, jumped from that to her marriage which has turned toxic and is now making moon eyes at Remus. It’s all....... I feel like a shit having these thoughts. Especially as Victoria’s friendship and sexual/physical touch have been honestly healing for me in some ways. But… I guess even this spins back around to my repeated complaint: I want the life I was working towards. Something, honorable and noble but… simple. I honestly can’t believe it, actually. That at 36, I’m still pining for Go to work, come home, greet the wife and kids, walk the dog, help with dinner, read the kids to bed, and stay up with the wife. I don’t even understand how that could not be enough for someone. I don’t get how someone could have that life and be so bored or unhappy with it that they need to fill up on other flings and affairs and partners. It would be amazing to be Trusted Husband and Devoted Father.

Though I say that and already have to say, “I know better.” Because I was Trusted Husband. But it wasn’t enough. Not for Nancy anyway. So I guess I’d have to put that caveat in. It would be amazing to be Trusted Husband to someone that would appreciate that and Devoted Father with a parent partner that cared.

Ultimately, I think I know what I need to do for the next few months. Just as far as putting myself together, anyway.
Step One: Nancy gets her shit out
Step Two: I hire a cleaning crew to come in and make the house sparkle
Step Three: IF I have anyone willing to come, or after COVID is resolved, figure out IF I can move furniture around the way I want. It is… not a 1 person job.
Step Four: IF I cannot move furniture around properly; begin pricing out the job of making the upstairs/downstairs Wheel Chair accessible. Not only does that provide a better situation for the physically disabled and the elderly, it would provide me with easier access and doorways to better move larger pieces of furniture.
Step Five: Either way, get current possessions arranged to how you want it.
Step Six: Purchase replacement furniture, replacement sheets, replacement pillows, and replacement art.
Step Seven: Establish house as YOUR space and YOUR vision.

And then at least that way… you’ll be living in YOUR place… not the remnants of an OUR place. And maybe if I’m really lucky, that will help me feel at least a little more settled.

Though I think it is obvious here that until COVID is dealt with and I feel safe going to restaurants and movie theaters again; nothing will every truly quite settle the loneliness completely.

I have a lot of work to do in that regard, actually. Getting the house up to shape. Learning how to keep it in shape. Actually doing that.

Here’s a funny. So, taking the concept of Food as Personality and all that, I asked Facebook to chose between two meals
(1) Comfort Food (described as Grilled Cheese, Tomato Soup, and homemade brownies) vs
(2) Extravagant Food (described as Filet Mignon, garlic toasted confit, broccoli, and scalloped potatoes)
I set those two as the opposing because ultimately… this is the challenge I’m facing. Do people continue to select that which is familiar, comfortable, and well-known… or do they venture out for something which may be different, a little more complex, but ultimately more filling.
Everyone but MBFITWW and Work Crush from Law School selected the Comfort Food. As I expected. We always opt for that which we are most comfortable with. This is a human trait regardless of location or background. The irony is, of course, here in the stix- I’m a bit of a big shot at least as far as money to how much things cost is compared. The mortgage on my house is only 40% of my paycheck… and the house has a full fenced in backyard, two bathrooms, and 4 bedrooms. If I moved even back to my hometown, if I was making the same amount (which would be hard to do), just moving back into the 3 bedroom apartment Nancy and I were in before? That would be like half of my paycheck.

There is a season, the world is constantly spinning, etcetera, blah blah blah.