Maybe You're Gonna Be The One That Saves Me in Book One: The Not So Daily Briefs 2014

Wow... I had not intended my absence to be so extensive. Looking over how much catch up I have to do reading-wise... my bookmark unread page spans three separate pages. The last time I wrote? Wow- looks to be only a week. It has most definitely felt like a great deal longer!

Trying to get my damned paper done cost me a great deal. I reached somewhere over 30 pages and still hadn't slept in 4 days... still hadn't found ANY research for the final third. So I said screw it and just turned it in. Of course, the sleeplessness has done an absolute nightmare-style number on my pain, memory and eyes. My friggin eye sockets look like Boris Karloff on his worst day! So... if we assume that I'll fail that class, my Bar Review class is... up in the air... and Arbitration scares me shitless... but I'll still graduate. In spite of all of that. As that event is now 34 days away... everything else grips my soul with fear, sorrow, and nausea.

I have a job interview tomorrow. It is a 4 hour drive there and a 4 hour drive back. I don't know if I want the job. I'm fairly certain I don't. But I haven't heard back from any other companies and it has been a REAL struggle to keep working on applications. And as the interview approaches... the whole thing seems like a cruel allegory for my marriage.

That is the other huge issue about getting out of law school. Once law school is over, I can't pretend that "we've got time." I can't pretend that I can just "wait to see." As soon as this experiment called life starts back up again- if The Wife won't say "I love you," won't treat me with respect, won't treat me as an equal, and won't treat me like a husband... I can't just keep on keeping on. As a student I could reason it away. That our lives were just so different- her working a job she hated, me doing double duty of work and school... that would put pressure on any relationship. But when I'm not a student... when it gets to Adult Time... I can't keep accepting excuses and accepting less than I deserve. And the thought of that... EVERY thought related to that.... makes my heart hurt, makes me sick to my stomach... I just want to run to SOMEONE and get a giant hug, cry, and have someone else just FIX this. But that isn't realistic. It is part of being an adult. Nobody to go to. No time to cry. This is my problem and I have to fix it... I'm just so exhausted of everything. Tired of school, tired of a shit job market, tired of looking at the looming crushing debt about to crash upon the shoals of my bank statement, tired of a sexless loveless marriage.... tired of being tired. And yes... suicide comes to mind. Not as an active thing... but as a "I'm in constant physical pain, physically/mentally/emotionally exhausted... what freedom there would be if it all just stopped."