Anxiety in Journal

I get a low grade anxiety around some people.

Not all people.

I used to think it was just me. There’s something wrong with me that I become anxious and preoccupied in social situations. I would think. It’s my problem. Never These people make me feel anxious. I wonder why that is?
I have this maddening habit of internalizing everything.

Yesterday DH and I went to his parents to carve pumpkins and have dinner.
Last night I slept very poorly and had nightmares. Coincidence?

I feel this low grade sort of anxiety that puts me on edge. Like someone’s scratching a chalkboard that only I can hear. My nerves start fraying and no one else notices. Well, not no one. DH notices when I start to get near the edge. He seems to know me better than I do, sometimes.
I feel like an oversensitive whiner. And I imagine that others are judging me for it. Well, I know they are. I know that I am starting to develop a real sense of self regard, and that is going to ruffle some feathers. I am starting to say what I really think, and that is going to raise eyebrows.
Yesterday at dinner, MIL asked about my family, and I just told her while looking her in the eye “I really haven’t spoken to them.” and I could feel her panic. She averted her gaze immediately and changed the subject at once. I think she might’ve even started talking again before I’d finished the sentence.
Avoid. Ignore. Dismiss. Distract. Anything but address a problem! Egads! (I really like that word now) We simply cannot have a frank and honest discussion about other people’s problems. Especially not when they’re affecting our lives intimately.

And, I think she may even have been testing a boundary there. She obviously did not think she’d lose, or she wouldn’t have asked, I’m absolutely sure about that. When she lost, I think she panicked a bit. And just to be clear, I do not think in terms of win-lose scenarios. I think in terms of communicative effort and what people are doing. And, I think that’s what she was doing. She was asking out of propriety and a misplaced assumption that I’ll continue to go along with it. And why wouldn’t she expect that? I always have before.
I have called her out on a bunch of shit lately, too. She keeps doing this thing where she’ll say, “Oh, my son said you’re coming for dinner tomorrow and-” and I literally interrupt her mid flow “That’s not what he told me.” and she just blinks at me, amazed, I think.
Well, hey. I don’t give a flying fart about MIL’s wants and wishes. She’s had like 60 years to get what she wants out of life, and insists that DH do her bidding despite him having an infant and a wife to look after. I’ll stand up for him even if he won’t stand up for himself. He’s barely got time to come home and eat dinner before going to bed every night. And she wants him to run errands and do all this family stuff on the side (not our family, their family), while he should be spending time bonding with his baby, or even just getting a solid 8 hours of sleep every once in awhile.

The other thing is that DH and I agreed that spending time around BIL and his BM (baby mama) is going to be severely curtailed or eliminated whenever possible.
They are simply such heartless parents. Their presence- even though it distracts others from us and our baby- is just upsetting. They spank. They hit. They cajole. They yell, blame, call their son names, give him nothing but junk to eat, and it seems continuously going on about how he’ll be this or that when he grows up.
I don’t know what is worse. Their insistence on denying his condition or their abuse of him.
So far we have simply avoided the dinners where BIL and BM are going. We haven’t spoken to the In-Law’s about our decision, yet. I’m sure it’ll be great. (sarcasm)
DH told me that he’s going to take a more active role in informing his parents about our decisions. Which is a relief. Really. Until presently it’s been a cluster Frack of when things come up we say “oh, we really don’t agree with that…” and then it’s been mostly me saying it. So of course I feel like not only the odd-man-out (an in-law) but I am the one with all the dissenting messages all the time.
AND. Pet-peeve of mine. WHY aren’t parents more involved in HELPING their grown children? All they do is whine and complain about not getting phone calls or visits and then cramming their own beliefs down our throats… WHY don’t parents have any curiosity about their grown kids? You know, hey, What’s going on in your life? How can I help? What parenting philosophy are you considering? What are the messages that you’re hoping to instill in your kid? I mean, c’mon people. It’s not difficult to make conversation about meaningful topics that would benefit your kids.
Also. Vanity annoys the crap right out of me. MIL knows we don’t want our kid on FB. Yet what does she do- posts pictures and then waits for one of use to find it later and ask her to remove them. FB is the biggest self gratifying vanity orgy of all time. Stop feeding your ego, people. /rant.