Oceans Rise in Current Events

I have an interview for a Marshall’s this Friday. My interview skills are pretty good but I am a little rusty. I’ll be fine. It’s seasonal and part-time which could roll into full-time. Not that I would hold my breath for that. I could climb the ladder there pretty quickly should I try hard enough. I have a lot of transferrable skills. However, I don’t even know where in the city I will be living after next week and the only option I have thus far is literally on the opposite side of the city. It would be an hour commute. We got our first snowfall yesterday, I doubt it will stick but winter driving sucks. Especially once we drop to -40. Look at me trying to spin all of this into a problem already. Anxiety comes with gifts but this habit of trying to always prepare for the worse does not always serve me. There are no wrong feelings, just wrong actions. I can’t force myself to feel differently, that would be ridiculous and dishonest. Worry is the habit I can’t beat. The worry causes me to emotionally prepare for the worst. That little avatar in my mind is always in the worst-case scenario and that often makes life feel like hell when it isn’t.

My sister has been going crazy and is hurting because she doesn’t know what is going on with me. She wants to be in the loop, to be included. I could tell and yesterday she pipped up. I can’t help you manage how you feel about this I said. I am exhausting myself already trying to keep myself emotionally stable. I was wishing that I had a vice, an addiction even. Crazy rude thing to say I know. Just feel like I want something that would make everything feel okay when it isn’t. I miss cigarettes and wine. They come with reprieve. I could get myself some wine but big things have small beginnings. Do I want to develop the habit of drinking whenever I feel stressed? I don’t want to lobotomize myself either with positive thinking. I have to be raw and real with myself. Master my emotions like surfers master waves. Just ride them and not get swallowed up. Anyway, it is clear that her husband is the one forcing her to kick me out, she really does not want to do it. We didn’t want to have to kick you out before you were ready she said. Then don’t is all I’m thinking. All this so they can put up a Christmas tree. Hardly the Christmas spirit.

I reserved my storage locker yesterday and I move my stuff next Friday. I still don’t know where I am going to live. Kyle is offering me his couch, it didn’t click that he would have moved into his spare room after he and Evan ended their relationship. They’re unable to separate financially during this COVID response so they still live together. My fail-safe is to move into Leanne’s spare room which is currently being used for her husband’s grow-op. He’s a veteran and he treats his PTSD with it. My best-case scenario would be if my roommates changed their minds and let me stay until I have some ground to walk on. My second best option would be if my mother let me stay with her. They have a spare room and an entire furnished basement that they do not use. She won’t do it but I will eventually need to ask. I’m not confident she will say yes. I’m keeping some distance from that for a little longer. The other day she randomly felt compelled one morning to bring up my situation to hurt me. Haha that’s what you get sucker was the tone I got. I don’t know what I did to warrant such disdain from her. When I decided to start being open and honest about my opinions my whole family lost respect for me. All at once for not having the groupthink. Our interaction was about COVID, she assumed that I am a COVID denier because I look at the information and discern for myself what I will think about this COVID response. Especially since common sense was not exercised when this virus first hit by the powers that be. Blah, we live in a time when a difference of opinion is no longer a disagreement but hate speech. When information is not in alignment with the narrative it is misinformation. When not accepting a viewpoint equates to fascism. Jesus sacrificed himself to bring truth to the world. Allegorically speaking anyway. There is less evil and corruption when people speak the truth. Not that I am saying that I am the arbiter of truth.

So I’m being abandoned by my family in my darkest hour. I fantasize about all the ways that I can get back at them. Nothing crazy stop watching the ID channel lol. Just ghosting them forever would suffice. Then those fantasies turn into heartache because I can envision their pain. I don’t want to add unnecessary pain to the world. The world is flipped inside out. My life is flipped inside out and I don’t want to flip myself inside out and pour bad into my surroundings to make my insides feel good. Literally, what I just said made no sense lol. I keep trying to tally up all the ways that I have been there for them. I’m always the first one there, I’m the one they call when their inner and outer worlds fall apart. The world doesn’t owe you anything Tom you big bloated bitch. When I said that I don’t want to add unnecessary pain to the world I was careful with my choice of words there. It’s not that I want to add necessary pain to the world but I want to help people to think differently, believe differently and behave differently and that is a destructive and painful process for an individual. I want to become a certified life coach so I can refine my skills to do all that and then some. Yesterday I woke up with the cheesy lyrics you’re never gonna feel, you’re never gonna heal you’re never gonna know what’s fake or real ‘til you know who you are. We make life harder by identifying as things and with things that we are not. We build a character around limiting beliefs and the nature of human desire is expansion. When someone finally gets to a point in life when they feel stuck it’s because they need growth. That’s when they usually realize that it is the inner world that needed fixing the whole time and that’s when and where I want to help. To help breakdown all the old systems and structures that weren’t working so that one can build back better. Ew, I borrowed a liberal slogan lol. jk I don’t hate liberals, the real authentic ones anyway. My ranting is out of control today.

I’ve had this song stuck in my head all day since I read an article explaining how the founder of Hillsong is fighting for religious freedoms in America. Rioting is ok, protests are okay, rallies are okay, going to certain sports events is okay but congregating at churches and synagogues for funerals, weddings and worship is not. Andrew Cuomo has plainshirts agents taking pictures of the inside of synagogues through their windows for him. What’s next? Yellow badges? The constitution was written so that the government could never be bigger than God. Communist China does not allow anyone to believe in anything higher than government. It started with small things. Anyway, this a cover of that song from Hillsong that I like. It’s well done.

Last updated October 21, 2020