Monmomonday in Book Seven: Reconstruction 2020

This should really start with Sunday night. I won’t go into details. I’ve already written about it a great deal in an effort to process everything. The quick sixteen second version?
Victoria invited me to come over to the house Sunday night with the expressed request of orgasm fun. For a LOT of reasons this was very different. This was me going to her place. Hanging out with the kids in her home. Then engaging in sexual activities in the bed she and Remus share. BUT that wasn’t the big issue. The big issue was where my head has been lately. Which, as you’ve likely picked up on, is not good. Ultimately, nothing sexual happened last night. We cuddled on the couch and then went to the bedroom and cuddled on the bed. And cuddling on the bed tripped something in me. Do you know how much I would have LOVED IT if Nancy would have ever cuddled? Like… just getting skin to skin contact with her was something I’d have to grab in the mornings when I woke up and she was still asleep. Then I’d be big spoon and hold her because when she was asleep was the only time I could get that. So… being in bed, in a quiet moment, just being with a woman. That was something I desperately needed to process.

And here’s the thing… these kinds of issues? Without experiencing these moments, I wouldn’t know what to work on, what I needed to process. Which got me thinking that… this is one of the reasons I’m so upset at not having any luck with dating. Because YES if that experience had happened in a more traditional dating scenario… it would have been disastrous and terrible. And I admit that up front. But it would show me what I need to work on. What I need to process. Because, as you may guess, I’m certainly self-reflective. But the massive ways I was broken over the course of 15 years of toxic relationship? That’s… REALLY hard for me to figure out. I just walk around with this gut feeling that something is wrong with me and when I reflect, the answer comes back “Everything” which… isn’t and can’t be true. So… as fucked up and outside of the norm as my situation is?? God bless Victoria for being a friend that can, has, and is able to help me process all this shit.

I came home and… I couldn’t sleep. I had to write and write and process. Not in a “beat myself up” way and not in a “Obsessive” way. Just a.... holy shit this feels like an important curtain has been pulled back and I want to document this and process it before I lose what I’m thinking. Then I went to sleep. And woke up a few hours later. My body covered in sweat but my arm freezing. My arm that was out of the blankets was ice cold while everything under the blankets was sweating up a storm. Fell back to sleep. Had a really wild dream. Woke up. But I woke up in another dream. And in that dream I was trying to fall back to sleep because I wanted to finish the dream within the dream. Instead, I woke up for REAL. It was like 4:00 or 4:30. I could SWEAR I heard someone knocking on the door. So I checked. Nobody at the front door. I checked all the doors. Nobody. And then I realized OF COURSE nobody was knocking… if they had been, Nala would have been barking!

Then the day at work. OH. BROTHER.
MOST of the day was Child In Need of Assistance. And most of them needed hearings. So it wasn’t the typical “The State agrees, Your Honor” and then nothing. It was active, “I have to prove child abuse, child neglect, and we have to essentially use all of the court’s power and my persuasive ability to get this done.” That was my Monday.

Then walking Nala and heading back over to Victoria’s. Remus is out of town for the week and honestly? It’s not just spending time with Victoria. Being there for the kids is important, too. Not even just “because this is a GREAT WAY to not be lonely” but also because Victoria taking care of them all day by herself? I know she can get a little tired, a little short, a little cross with the kids as the night falls. She’s only human. So having someone with fresh energy can really keep the kids level during “Making Dinner” and “Going to Bed.” And shit. If I can help, I’m for it. Because if I don’t have kids of my own, I’m not above helping somebody else.