I'm going to be just fine. in Since OD is shutting down....

Yesterday was my day off so I went to my class, made the car payment and got groceries. My ex was still on my mind so I finally called him and then visited him at his work. I was starting to get butterflies all over again but that faded quickly. It was the same game as it ever was where he starts with how we rushed into things before and this time we should just be friends and work our way up from there. Well, I called him about an hour before he was scheduled to get off work, I called to see if he was going to come over and he said that he was thinking about it but had to get up early this morning to see his kid. Well then said, "how would you feel if I told you I just wanted to be friends that fucked around once in a while" needless to say I thought about it for a second, didn't speak and then hung up on him. It's sad to say that I had a glimmer of hope that maybe he missed me, was sorry for the mistakes he made was ready to make it right but now I know 100% that he is still the selfish, evil son of a bitch that I walked away from 2 months ago and nothing is ever going to change. He told me that he had been making a lot of changes in the past couple of months but as far as I could tell, there hasn't been any improvement. I'm sorry that I wasted my time to just find out what I already knew.

I was pretty upset for a few minutes and was getting really sad but then I realized I've been doing just fine without him for quite some time now and I'm going to continue doing just fine without him. He will always have a piece of my heart and a piece of my past but there's just too many reasons why he can't be a part of my future. I am always going to have feelings for him and know that we could have had something incredible but I know now more than ever, I have to move on. I have to leave him behind so that I will eventually find someone who will appreciate me, love me, honor me, respect me and know what I'm worth. It's too bad that it's not going to be him but he made that choice.

Even this morning, he was the first thing I thought about but then I realized I've let him and his actions get me down long enough and I just can't live in that sadness anymore. I have too much going on to dwell over things I can't change. I know that there's always gonna be a part of me that cares for him but I can't have him in my life anymore. I told him that I'm not on birth control and he said that never stopped us before but it's like yeah, just because we were stupid before doesn't mean that doing it now would be smart either!!! I am too motivated in my life to end up pregnant and be a single mom because of him. He wouldn't care what consequences there would be for me is something did happen and that's what really pisses me off. I refuse to let myself fall back under his spell and end up hurt all over again. I will never forget how hurt I was and I will NOT go through that again. I wandered around like a fucking zombie for months, wondering and waiting for the hurt to stop. Some days I could barely get out of bed and it hurt to take a deep breath. I refuse to go back down that road again. It's not worth it. HE'S not worth it.

So I slept til noon and then got my work schedule. I'm scheduled 42 hours next week which was my incentive to get all my homework done so I won't have class on Monday, Wednesday, or Friday. I still have plenty of math homework but I'm not going to worry about it until next week because I'm burnt the fuck out on the homework bid. I just spent the past 4 hours getting all my shit done and now I just want to sit and relax until tomorrow when I have to leave for work at 4pm.

I am very tired so I plan to take a hot bath, watch tv and go to bed early. I want to get back into the gym scene once school lets out. I'm still making extremely unhealthy food choices due to always being in a hurry or being too tired and impatient to cook stuff so I'm thinking once school is out, I'll be able get back into a good schedule for a few months and make better choices with food and be able to excersize. I hate being this overweight because my feet hurt, my back hurts, it's harder to control my blood sugar and my knees burn going up and down stairs. I just want to be healthy and I need to figure out how to make that happen!!!!

I'm not entirely excited to work all day next Sunday but I need the hours and hopefully I'll make some decent money. I'm really hoping it's going to start warming up and stay warm. It's been 6 months of winter time here and it's driving me fucking nuts. I'm sick of being cold all the time. I'm ready for it to start being warm outside because then it's easier to get up in the morning and I want to wear skirts again.

I sit here and think about my ex, what he meant to me and just wishing, praying that he loved me back but I know that I'm better off without him around. With working, having new people in my life and having goals, I'm in a much better place and I'm learning to like myself again. I still have those moments where I don't think I'm good enough or angry at myself for being fat or feeling like I'm lonely because I've done something wrong but I just have faith that the right guy will come along eventually and in the mean time I have to focus on making money and doing what I need to do for me. I know that if he was a part of my life especially if we were sleeping together, it would destroy me mentally like it's done in the past and as much as it hurts to let go, it's also been the most beneficial. I know that I deserve better than what he gave me and it would be foolish to allow him not only in my everyday, but make love to someone who didn't love me back would make me suicidal. I just can't be fuck buddies with someone I would have spent the rest of my life with. He just doesn't get it. He doesn't understand that I did love him and want a future with him while all he wanted was a good fuck. Well that's on him. He can just go sleep with as many chicks as he wants and I can sit here knowing that it's not hurting me in any way shape or form. I'm not hurting over it anymore. I'm always going to care about him but I don't want him back. I'm never going to settle for less than what I deserve ever again. I put up with it because I really hoped he would change but I know now more than ever he isn't going to which is completely fine but I'm not wasting any more of my heart.

Anyway, bath time.