Wish in Book Seven: Reconstruction 2020

I wish I had someone to say this to in person and really work through it. But as even therapy is digital these days… that isn’t an option. And it is important to have an IN PERSON interaction because some things are so much more personal that way.

But… I realized that it is REALLY hard for me to say something… and that connected with some of the other things going on in my emotional core and my subconscious tells me something. You see… the thing I think I am most struggling with… that really sacks me in the stomach and destroys me a little?

I want to be loved.

I don’t mean sexually, I don’t mean from afar, I don’t mean my parents, and I don’t mean the little kids that love me because I help take care of them from time to time. I mean… I spent 15 years trying to get the love of someone who SAID they loved me and never did. I spent 15 years trying to be loved. And it didn’t work. And now I’m alone. With every dating app continuing to be an absolute sucking chasm of void. And every interaction in my life either being through work, through family, or through Victoria/Remus/Essen. So… no hope, no options, no possibility.

And yeah. I hear you. “Once COVID is over and you can go to bars and movie theaters and like that… maybe you’ll have better luck.” Maybe. Maybe? But maybe is better than what I’m facing right now. But even still? Whatever it is in your life that COVID interrupted? Think about how long you’ve wanted that… and how this “delay” has no end timer on it. How the “Once COVID is over” continues to be a horizonless landscape. So… not exactly comforting.

I just…

I want to be loved.

It’s wonderful that people respect what I do. It’s amazing that a beautiful woman is willing to have a No Strings sexual relationship with me. All of that is great for what it is.

But it isn’t what I want. What I need. It doesn’t feed my soul.

I want to be loved.

I want the relationship I spent the past 15 years trying to build.

I want the loving wife and growing kids and domestic turmoil that seems to come so easily to the drug-addled, the criminal, the inept, and the mediocre. I want that person in your life that gives a damn whether they see you.

I’m tired that I spent 15 years on a marriage where that was never, apparently, an option. I’m even more tired that I’ve had pretty much zero opportunity for anything even close to it these last 11 months. It’s almost a year since my Wife and I agreed to separate. And in all of that time? I haven’t even been able to rustle up a date for myself.

So after working as hard as I did to try to keep the marriage alive, get the marriage to work, actually receive love from my wife?? I’m left with less than nothing. I’m left with the nothing of the end result of the marriage… and the absolute nothing of being able to pursue anything else. And for those wondering? I don’t have distance limits on my dating apps. I get alerts from Minnesota, Omaha, Wisconsin. This really isn’t just a small town thing. So that which I want most in life… whose absence acts like a haunting dark spot on my soul… is that which seems most out of reach.