All in a Day in Current Events

My day starts around noon. That is the result of my tossing and turning all night. I can hear my roommates waking up as I fall asleep. I wake up feeling defeated because I have lost my morning routines. I feel knotted inside when I wake up. It continues for the rest of the day. Physically and emotionally I can barely feel a thing. I can’t feel my anxiety or even an orgasm. In the past, this is when I would starve myself. Hunger feels better than anything else I could possibly feel. Mostly because I get to feel control. I have to consciously force myself to eat when I am in this state. I start my day with some coffee while I throw some resumes around online. I suppress feeling deflated about not hearing back immediately. Today I also looked at apartments and forwarded decent ones to Toni. My roommates want me to leave them alone at some point in the next week while Matt is home. It’s not easy for me to find something to do. I try and make my presence as small as possible. Always.

I usually continue on autopilot for the rest of the day. I force myself to eat and then I do a workout routine. I don’t last long because my ambitions are running on empty. I have little pull to pull me through. I create distance from my habit of worrying by staying radically distracted. Facebook, Skyrim, YouTube, Audible. I overthink to the point of torture. It’s what keeps up all night and keeps me exhausted all day. So much of my fate does not feel like it is in my hands. I’ll usually air something out on Prosebox to feel 70% better. That’s the job I give this site. In the past, I would put myself down endlessly by convincing myself it was what everyone else is thinking about me. I do possess some shame in myself but it’s okay. My life has room for opportunity, that’s what I have to tell myself. Right now I was supposed to be employed, enrolled in school and living with Toni but along came covid and pulled the rug. That’s why I feel visceral about essential worker’s virtue signalling. Stay home and wear your super masks. How about fuck you. Some people lost everything and we’re demanding more and more sacrifice to feel like the good guys in this made-up hero story. We don’t get to control people’s lives because we’re afraid. 25 million Nigerians had food insecurity before we cut off their supply. We didn’t save lives and we didn’t save the world. We only saved face… I can rant about this all day. Click Here if you want to read about how virtue signalling and victim signalling are strong signs of narcissism, psychopathy and Machiavellianism. You don’t have to take offence, just let a girl complain.

My scalp throbs. I can feel that my hair is thinning. This is concerning. Not that I am willing to look at myself in the mirror still. Imposter syndrome, I experience a slight dissociation with my reflection. I can look at my body but not my face. I made an appointment with a hair loss expert next week. I hope it’s stress or diet-related. Those are easy fixes. I feel some worry that I will be treated the way I was when I went and saw a specialist about my acne scars. What we need to fix are your expectations. You have acne scars, you will always have acne scars, you will never not have acne scars because that is what a scar does. All we can do is minimize its appearance and our best treatments are not available to you because of your racial background. You’ll end up with hypopigmentation. I’ve had this problem off and on with my scalp and never thought to see a specialist. I explored remedies on my own.

When your body is stressed it launches involuntarily into a fight or flight stress reaction. Your body gets ready for a predatory attack. Your digestion floods with acid to shut down digestion so you can fight or flee, your skin gets acidic so you don’t taste very good when bitten. Your blood thickens and coagulates so you don’t bleed to death if you get bitten, your bladder and bowel evacuate to make you lighter on your feet to fight or flee. Your immune system goes to the back burner because who cares if you get cancer when you’re about to get attacked by a tiger. Your body needs all hands on deck when preparing for an attack from a predator. So that is also why your adrenaline and cortisol increases. Now what those two chemicals do to your body is a lot to get into but basically, it is belly fat, it is infertility, it is a decrease in brain plasticity, it is chronic inflammation, it is an autoimmune disease. Basically, it’s like pouring acid into your body all day and every day. These series of chemical reactions are good for you if your demands are fighting sabre tooth tigers. However, if your demands are kids, in-laws, traffic, etc. Then this fight or flight has become maladaptive. It`’s now disallowing us from performing at the top of our game.

Basically, that paragraph right there is where I’m at. Only, I don’t feel the panic. My odour is when I know that I’m experiencing too much stress. This is going to sound weird but my BO usually smells like citrus but when I am stressed or eating garbage it smells like… bad. My previous entry explains the yogic system that I need to apply to myself to create a better balance of my inner systems. There is no threat, my mind and body are acting like there is. My mind and body are designed for health, these ailments are being created from within. The solution here is myself. Blah, now I got to go find something to do. Life is supposed to be fun, I need to go out and enjoy it. I don’t think I will eat today. I want to fast, I want to access my ketones and give my body some time to heal itself.

Last updated October 01, 2020