S.O.B in Book Seven: Reconstruction 2020

Not… a great start to the day.

I was up late last night cleaning and catching up on house chores because with this week being what it is… there was no other day I could do that. I stayed up past Midnight and had three alarms set for 5 a.m. so I could finish a few things up.

I woke up at 7:24 a.m. with my bed fan upside down, two of three alarms still set having not gone off, and my cell phone under my pillow! And I was coughing up phlegm. Not a great start to the day.

I got dressed in some backup clothes because… get this… when I got home last night, I saw some storm clouds coming in… I figured “no time to change, if I take the dog for a walk right away, I’ll be okay”. I was not. Walking the dog… in a suit and tie… and absolutely drenched by rain. SO… backup suit clothes today.

I get into the office. Two Phone Calls.

(1) “I have a warrant, help.” I review the official Iowa State Court Roster of Present and Past Cases. This woman… hasn’t been in the area for 4 years. Has 1 dismissed case, 2 parking tickets. I see nothing that says Warrant. The Iowa State Court Roster of Present and Past Cases is the only access I have to cases with this age.

She calls back. “The clerk of court said that I have a warrant.” Were I more awake, this would piss me off. CAN SOMEBODY EXPLAIN THIS TO ME? IF the Clerk of Court can see that she has a warrant, where I cannot, then why in the shit doesn’t the Clerk of Court tell her what the warrant is for? Why tell her that there is a warrant and then have her call me?? ESPECIALLY after she’s already talked to me? That. Doesn’t. Make. Sense. Do a more complete job, kiddo. If you see she has a warrant and you have access to court systems that identify the presence of that warrant… TELL HER WHAT IT IS FOR?! Fuck. Essentially, my response to the caller? I can’t help you. If the Clerks say you have a warrant; but I can’t find it… I can’t do anything about it. Try calling them again. Or the Sheriff. Or someone who has access to those systems. Because THIS OFFICE didn’t request the warrant, wasn’t notified about the warrant, and can’t find the warrant. SORRY.

(2) “There’s a very naughty little boy but DHS won’t do anything about it!!”
This one… uuuuuggggggh. I don’t know what to tell you, kids. I know the words are different but if I could briefly translate Bureaucratic Speech to English… this woman just said, “There is a child that the State won’t do anything about, what can the State do?” Shit. Seriously? I can’t do anything if the State can’t do anything. That’s… I mean… I AM THE STATE here kids. I can appreciate that you’re frustrated that a child is difficult. I can appreciate that you want the State to do something because you think the child’s parents aren’t doing anything. I GET that you want the State to take care of an issue for you. But if you called DHS, the people that help with children, and they said: There’s nothing we can do. HOW do you expect calling the Criminal Prosecutor to help?

This is one of those things I just genuinely do not understand. IN TRUTH… BUT FOR Pro Se Defendants… Civilians should never call me. Because I’m the guy at the END of the process. Worried about a kid? Call DHS. IF DHS gets involved, then that triggers my involvement. Victim of a crime? Call the police. IF the police get involved, then that triggers my involvement.

I just… it’s like the bloody I.T. Crowd. Only instead of “Hello, I.T. Have you tried turning it off and on again?” I need to say, “Hello, County Attorney. Have you called DHS or the Police yet?”

Because… while that call is just “one call today”… it is endemic. Constant. Repeated. “I have an issue that the police and DHS aren’t responding to, do something!” NO. That’s not how this works! And… part of me would apologize for it but it happens so often that I don’t have the energy. AND if it were DHS or Police not doing their job? I’d step in. But it’s… just… stupid fucking shit.

“My neighbors play their music until 8 p.m. I can hear it next door. This is unacceptable. And the police don’t do anything!”
Look into it. The neighbors were in the backyard, grilling, enjoying the fire pit. They had a small radio out there. GET A FUCKING HOBBY COMPLAINING NEIGHBOR!

“This little boy takes his clothes off all the time. DHS won’t intervene. This is unacceptable. You have to DO something!!”
This little boy is three years old. For fuck sake, woman, if I could get away with it I wouldn’t wear clothes. The fuck are you involving the State for?!

May I just say…

FUCK ALL OF THE CHRISTIANS VOTING FOR TRUMP DUE TO ABORTION

EVEN IF you are passionately, obsessively, compulsively against abortion… do you realize how many OTHER facets of faith you have to betray to focus so myopically on the abortion issue here?

Let’s look at Matthew 25 for a minute, but put the TRUMP SPIN on it:
“For I was hungry and you said NO WELFARE, I was thirsty and you POISONED THE WELL, I was a stranger and you IMPRISONED ME, I needed clothes and you SUED ME, I was sick and you LET ME DIE WITHOUT INSURANCE, I was in prison and you said SERVES YOU RIGHT.’
But shit, at least you voted for someone that promised to try to ban abortion.

Fucking idiots.

So… I’m preparing for a hearing where I’m covering my boss. OF COURSE, it is something that I wouldn’t do were it my play to strategize. We’re proving a case before proving a case so we can revoke probation before convicting of a new offense. Yeah. Typically, I’d say “convict of new offense” and prove the case just the one time. But, that’s just me.

It’s something to do, though. lol. Me saying that this week! It’s a busy stressful week! AND YET… I don’t know. I feel pulled in two directions.
Part of me wants to surround myself with people, have endless conversations, and re-ignite the social that COVID took from all of us.
Part of me wants to send Nala to my parents for a week and just sit by myself, playing video games, and allowing myself to feel sad without any additional responsibilities or worries.

And, about the sad… I’ve realized something.
YES, there’s sad because I want to be a husband and a father and in some ways, I’m no closer to that then I was in College.

But mostly? I’ve realized it is a grieving sadness. Not an active, there is a problem to fix, or a loneliness to resolve kind of sadness. More the sadness of “A very significant part of my life is over. A relationship that lasted almost half of my present life has ended.”

And the funny thing is… people have told me this would happen. And I didn’t realize it was this. I thought when I was feeling sad about being lonely or actively sad about the relationship… I thought that was the grieving sad. But this is… uniquely, fundamentally different. This is a sad that… doesn’t come with a call to action. Which in a way… is nice. I don’t feel compelled to lament my undesirability or feel rushed to find the next Mrs. There’s no nagging feeling of need or anything attached at all. It’s just… “sad”. Like you’re walking, a small rain starts up, but it isn’t so much rain that it stops the walk. It’s just… a new environment you’re walking through. That’s what this feels like. There isn’t even a “I’ll get over it” palliative to follow. This is grief. There will always be parts of my life that are tied to this loss. I’ll be doing something in 20 years time, and say something that reminds me of something I can’t quite recall, and there will be a moment of “sad” attached, and I’ll keep on talking. But that sad? That’s the remainder. The acknowledgment that something mattered to you but it ended or went away. And like many times we grieve, the fact that there is an ending is important, good even. But it still comes with a “sad.”

So, here’s an interesting one. A lot of times people ask me why I give a shit about theft cases. “Businesses are insured! Corporations are bad! You’re just punishing people for being poor!” All of that.
Because in many of today’s arguments and perspectives… people think of ONE example and base their opinion around that example.

When you think theft… how about this?

Old man, can’t get around too well but he gets around well enough to live on his own. Pays his bills the old fashioned way via Mail. Started getting “past due” and “overdue” notices. Checks with his bank… the money has been getting taken out… but paid to his neighbor. His neighbor has been stealing the checks going to pay this man’s bills, changing the Pay To Line and cashing them. Hundreds and hundreds of dollars. Better still? They were doing this while on probation for forging checks!

Yeah. I don’t like to punish people for being poor. But I will gladly punish people for intentionally hurting others for their own benefit.

Not a secret… and I should feel bad about this… but I definitely want to leave early today for reasons having to do with cleaning my kitchen. THIS is actually the kind of thing we’re covering in therapy. Because… I did a lot of work last night. I walked the dog, I cleaned the toilets, I did four loads of laundry (and folded and put them away), I cleaned every room in the house, I did a load of dishes, put them away, and did another load of dishes. I did not slack off last night!

And so, according to the therapist, I’m supposed to say, “I did all I could and that is enough.”
But that is really hard for me to say and feel. Because so powerfully inside me is “If it was enough, the job would be done.” I have people coming over tonight who will be cooking. I want to have an empty dishwasher and clean cookware. At present, I have a full dishwasher and dirty cookware. I want to rectify that. I have a need to rectify that. To be honest… what I’d really like to do because it isn’t raining today… is pick up dog poop, mow my lawn, empty the dishwasher, clean the cookware, scrub the kitchen, take a shower… and then it’ll be time for guests. But what is almost assuredly going to happen? Is… I’ll freak out a little.

Because I absolutely MUST let Nala outside and pick up her poop and watch where she poops to pick that up, too. And I absolutely MUST unload my dishwasher. During one of those two activities, guests will arrive. I’ll have to wash cookware as needed by hand. After everyone leaves tonight, I’ll clean up again… have a full kitchen of dirty stuff again. But it’s good. Seeing people, especially as I’ll be entering self-quarantine starting Monday. It’s good. It’s just… I wish I’d done more.

Part of the grieving process: It didn’t just occur to me but I was reminded… of all of the humans I interact with and all of the people I know… other than family… there are only THREE people in my life that ever knew me before Nancy. Everyone else in my life to this point has met “Chris and Nancy”.

So… I don’t know if they’re related… but at the same time, how could it not be… but I’ve re-started Cntrl-Alt-Del from its VERY early days. 2003. And that’s where I’m thinking “I don’t know if they’re related… but at the same time, how could it not be” considering that I didn’t even meet the woman that would introduce me to Nancy until 2004. And I’m reading it and I forgot how quickly they started the Lilah and Ethan narrative. And it’s great! It is. I love how Tim does the dating, growing, fighting, marrying arc with their whole thing. I do. It just… it gets me thinking.

And how, yes… I will say this repeatedly because I think it’s obvious… I AM NOT READY TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP RIGHT NOW. I have a lot of work to do on managing my own expectations with myself. I need to learn to exist before I can share that existence in a healthy manner. I am on board with that train. That’s my ride. I’ve got my ticket and a private sleeper cabin. I’m here for the long haul.

But sometimes my mind wanders. And… I try to make it go logically. Step by step. Don’t just rush to the “good times by a fire” thoughts. Step One: How do you approach someone for a date? Step Two: What is the date? Step Three..... and so on. And as much fun as it would be to imagine… when I pull myself back and say, “Think it through, don’t rush to the ending”… I can’t see anything. Oh, I have plenty of date ideas and I know what to do with a woman to entertain and woo… I get all of that. But… the beginning. I don’t know what that looks like. Especially as an adult in the 21st Century!

I mean… Tiffany Number 2, December 17, 2000: Just walked up and asked. And that was it. Not even “a date” but “Would you be my girlfriend” asked. And all throughout High School, that was kind of the way of it. In college… there was really only Thompson and Nancy. Thompson was a big drama-ridden to-do that would take too long to tell here. Nancy just showed up at my door. So… that’s… my entire history.

Maybe when I’m ready, I’ll know what to do. Hopefully, whenever I’m ready, there will be options or… at least someone to sit beside on long, dark, cold winter nights with a fire in the fireplace.