Been a minute.. in The day to day

I didn’t realize it had been so long since I had written an entry. I actually had to go back and read the last two entries to see what was going on at the time. Things haven’t gotten any worse, so I guess that’s good. Still married. That’s a problem. Never heard back from Legal Aid about a divorce clinic on zoom. Guess I need to follow up with them AGAIN. At this rate I won’t be divorced until next year.

My ex started attending the therapist appointments for B. They are still being held on zoom so that’s helpful. I think it has helped him understand B a lot more. And that’s definitely a good thing.

The kids spent the night with their dad for the first time last night. It was supposed to be on the 9th and I was a nervous wreck. I was not prepared at all. Especially since it was my birthday and I was going to be alone. But the universe works in mysterious ways. That morning my ex sent a text saying his gf’s kids got sick over the weekend and now she was sick. So he didn’t want to expose them to it since he would probably be the next one sick. That worked out in my favor.

But this Wednesday they did spend the night with their dad. He had reserved pool time for them at his apartment, so they swam and ate dinner. Played the Xbox and then went to bed. After talking to them both, it seems like everything went okay and they had a good time. It even made B put an Xbox on his Christmas list .Also it helped that her kids had to go to their dad’s after they all swam. I’m grateful that things went well. As hard as it is for me, I want it to be easy for them. They need to spend time with their dad. What he did, he did to me and not them so I can’t keep them from him because of any ill feelings I have.

I ended up going shopping for A’s birthday after work to occupy some time. Then grabbed dinner and came home to play Animal Crossing. Played that until I got tired and went to bed. I missed the kids terribly but it was also nice to not have them bickering at each other. They did end up Face Timing me at one point during the night before bed. A told his dad he wanted to talk to me right now. So that was sweet.

This morning, my ex dropped them off to me at my work. I didn’t get to talk to them much while I was working. I did end up taking over the room where A was, and he was very clingy and didn’t want me to send him to a different room. I usually don’t work in the same room with him because he doesn’t listen to me well at work. But I couldn’t send him away today. I could tell he was emotional. And even though he seemed like he had a good time, he was very concerned and kept making sure he was coming home with me today. This adjustment may end up being harder on him than it is on B. Hopefully the routine of it all will kick in for them soon.

My ex did send a text earlier that said he didn’t know what time he was going to see them this weekend. And he had something to do between 10-4 or 5 on Saturday. Honestly I just didn’t even respond to the text. Like this is your weekend, and you have other plans besides seeing your kids? He didn’t see them at all two weekends ago when it was his weekend, because we had a family birthday party for all the September birthdays at my family’s house. BUT I had told him he could still see them anytime that Saturday before 4 pm. And of course all day that Sunday. He decided to go out of town instead. Somewhere 12 hours away. And the weekend prior to that he got A twice because I told him since I had plans on his weekend he could see them if he wanted. But here it is his weekend again and he doesn’t know if he’s going to see them?

What happens when we get a custody agreement and visitation schedule in place from the court? I mean right now it’s informal. But seriously. Are you just going to keep making plans and not see them? I don’t understand it at all. I don’t understand being able to be a sometimes parent. I guess he’s enjoying his freedom.

He is however working a second job again. Delivering pizzas 5 days a week in addition to his full time regular job to make ends meet. I’m guessing his gf is still not working. I think he really hates the hole he has dug himself into. Not going to help you out of it buddy! He makes things awkward when he comes over here for the kids. Because he makes it obvious he still wants to be physical with me. And that he misses me, etc. But still goes right back over there to her. Sorry not happening.

I’ve gotten used to the fact that I will probably be single for the rest of my life. Even if I gained some confidence back after losing weight. I don’t know if I would want to put myself in a vulnerable position like that again. I don’t know that I would survive it.

Here’s to being 40, single, and being able to do whatever the hell I want!