Explaining Myself. in Journal 2020

So, over the past months I would get private comments criticizing my actions. This would bother me a lot, but I tried to bury it down deep and try to push it aside. These things hurt, they hurt really bad.

I always felt like a bad person for sexual urges. And these comments really just hurt and I stopped wanting to write in my diary. Contrary to the commenters beliefs, I am still a virgin.

I’ve never opened “my legs”, I’ve never tried to fuck someone and I don’t even like to think about doing those things. It makes me feel gross and disgusting and like some sort of virus.

It wasn’t my fault, when everything started. It wasn’t but it happened and now my thoughts about sexual things just feel wrong or terrifying. The thought of someone actually, in real life touching me makes me want to vomit.

Me “sexting” someone isn’t me letting the fuck me or being a slut. So stop alluding to that fact and it’s not like time voluntary jumping into these situations. I didn’t choose to be pressured into sexting people when they threatened suicide.

And I didn’t ask for a twenty year old to gaslight me into mastrubating for him and having nearly everyone blame me. Or have my childhood friend use me for sex, manipulate me and treat me like a burden.

So stop alluding to the fact you think I’m a whore. I’m not, I talk about things that happen to me as they happen.

I’m trying my hardest to heal. Yesterday all I could do was cry and tremble because I was so stressed. I write. I plan novels. I make videos for YouTube. I write blog posts on current issues, manifestation and korean music. I attend online school and have a job opportunity soon.

I just don’t talk about those things. I’m not just about sex and being a victim. I have life, but this is the only place I can just vent.