I believe I can love myself more in Weight Loss Surgery

I’m always listening to different youtubers about all this spiritual stuff and one of them got me thinking about my self and self love and all that.

Maybe me feeling that I don’t get enough outside love - does anyone really feel fully loved?

I do my best at any job I’m in. I’ve never been a “that’s not my job” kind of person. I work hard at my jobs, number one because I need to keep it! But number two is because I want that approval and praise. I want to feel that love. I want to feel indispensable. I want to feel included and liked.

Do I really need that from my job? Should I be getting that from my job. Where should I be getting it from if not my job?

Work is work. Yes my boss and co workers like me but if the company suffers something major, I could be let go no matter how nice I am. Jobs can and will throw you away for financial reasons and so that shouldn’t be your main source of love.

And I’m not saying it’s my MAIN source like I don’t have family and friends…

Does anyone love you just for you or for what you Do?

I know my mom loves me, of course she does but I guess I got the most praise from her when I did well in school. She wanted me to be smart because she is very smart.

So for a long time I did very well in school and showed her every test, book report, etc. for her to wow over it.

My mom felt the same way about my sister and from school age on they clashed heads because my sister wasn’t as good in school. Maybe she’s just a more hands on person and that’s why she’s a chef now. But reading and writing was Really hard for her. And my mom really bashed her for it. Soooooo many fights when my mom had to help with homework. And my sister always thought I was favored, and maybe I was because I was easier because I didn’t have trouble in elementary school.

Once I got into highschool things got harder and it was harder to impress my mom. I was pretty much a B student but she was used to A’s. My sister got sent to a private boarding highschool cause she pretty much flunked out her freshman year. My sister felt even more unloved cause she was sent away. But my mom insisted this was the only way she was gonna get into college and that was the ultimate goal to adulthood I guess. College was a big goal cause she didn’t go. She got married and pregnant before she was 21!

Now that I’m working my mom is most majorly impressed by work things. Recently I was praised at a work town hall (along with some others) for going above an beyond when we were having those hurricanes and power outages. We have human tissue in the building that needs to be kept at a certain temp and there was a little bit of chaos during those moments but no tissue was lost. I was mainly just making calls and monitoring temps. Not a big deal but I screenshotted when my face was on the screen and my mom was floored.

Will loves me and is grateful for what I do at home. I’m always feeling unappreciated in some form. I dunno. I mean recently he did note all I did inside the home and that’s why he’s taking over car stuff which is wonderful!

BUT the point is I shouldn’t have to break my back in work or at home for love. My own self love should fuel me. I should feel that I am so smart and capable and beautiful and kind that it doesn’t matter what anyone else says or doesn’t say to me.

When I clean, I should pat myself on the back instead of waiting for someone else to do it. I shouldn’t do it for anyone else to notice it being clean. When I finish some work project I should marvel at how quickly I got it together, instead of waiting for someone else to praise me.

It sounds kind of egotistical to go around telling my own self how wonderful I am. But I guess it would only be bad if I was saying I’m better than everyone else - which I never think. But for me to compliment myself without it taking away from anyone else, that’s fine right?

There are people who are very full of themselves and sometimes it almost seems fake to me.

I dunno. I just know that I have to pump myself up more but there’s such a wall up. Like for me to even think “I’m sexy” immediately a voice comes in like NOPE, you’re not. And really I’m kinda not but I could be or I am and I don’t flaunt it. I dunno. There’s a hard wall up around my physical beauty.

I guess I could say I’m smart with no real problem - there are smarter people in the world than me but it doesn’t take away from me being smart, being a problem solver, being a do-er.

But it’s very hard for me to be egotistical about my body and face. I won’t say I’m UGLY but I am unbalanced and unhealthy and a lot of other things I won’t get in to. I know if I get the surgery I will feel better about me, cause there were times that I did feel better about me physically and it solely had to do with my weight and the shape of my body when I weighed less.

I’m trying to get into the whole - love my body now - instead of putting all my eggs in this surgery basket but it’s extremely hard.

Last updated December 20, 2020