Obituary: "Mr. Nibbles" in General Open Diary Announcements

Longtime Open Diary Server hamster "Mr. Nibbles" died, this week, following a tragic accident during a routine hamster switchover operation when Nibbles was electrocuted while being removed from the server dynamo wheel when his uncommonly large testicles came in contact with exposed wiring at the back of the website's elderly, byzantinely-cobbled-together server, causing an electrical circuit to arc and burn completely through the hapless rodent, setting his carcass ablaze and burning off one of Open Diary volunteer EWS' eyebrows, putting the startled volunteer on his ass and sending him skidding backwards on it across the room until hitting a stack of unanswered user complaints, knocking him out for the better part of an hour, first responders reported.

Fire captain Vincent O'Malley, among the initial rescuers on the scene, was quoted as saying that "you could smell gad-damn burning hair nine blocks away -- and THAT'S from inside a moving firetruck!"

Nibbles was pronounced dead at the scene, though EWS mysteriously vanished into a puff of smoke and glitter.

"Mr. Nibbles" was born a year-and-a-half ago to Ed and Consuelo Nibbles of Findlay's Pets of Amarillo, Texas. A gifted student at Amarillo High School and star member of its varsity wrestling team, Nibbles was awarded a scholarship to Texas A & M University, where he majored in lying in sawdust and pissing on himself. Upon graduation, he enlisted in the U.S. Air Force, in which he was commissioned a 2nd Lieutenant, serving in Iraq, Afghanistan, and Detroit. A member of the American Legion, VFW, and Lions Club, "Mr. Nibbles" was preceded in death by his parents, several dozen siblings, and his wife Noreen, formerly employed by Merck. He is survived by his brother Sparkles of San Diego, California, as well as 312 children, 10,407 grandchildren, and 101,058 great-grandchildren. A memorial -- including a military color guard -- will be held at the Holiday Inn Express outside of Amarillo on Interstate 40, near that Cadillac Ranch thingie, after which EWS will take the frozen remains and deposit them out back in the dumpster by the alley behind the adjacent Denny's.

In lieu of flowers, it is asked that mourners send blank checks made out to "Open Diary" to the address listed in the website's "Help Desk" link.