um. trust SA evan thing. in The Wonderland Years: 2014. Done.

um so yeah [what a great way to begin an entry].

so...........wow. being cheated on is not a good feeling. no. I don't like that plan [I was last yr. btw].

I want to trust him [sorry. 'him' being evan] but I don't know that I need to ya know? [or maybe you don't know]. like. I don't know that it would be all that helpful for me to.

yeah I still want him in my life and to see how he's doing and for him to know how I'm doing. but I don't. need that. as much. there are times when I really need someone to talk to or ok not even to talk to but just. there are times when I want someone close to know how I'm doing. like lately for instance.

bc he knows a lot that others don't. he knows about my ptsd. he knows about the ab*se via my mom. not even my good friend of at least 10 yrs. knows that. it's not really something I talk about. let people know about.

and also. he was there when I almost lost my battle. and no one else was. so he saved me. that's never happened to me before. and yeah I'm grateful just as I should be.

and he'll always be that person. even if my feelings about him change which well they're starting to.

he's the person who I textmail [send a text via my email to his phone] at like. 2 in the morning when my ptsd's getting to me. no one else is right now. it's been yrs. since I've had that. [and in the time when I didn't I had alcohol. not that that's a good plan since it isn't]. or 4 a.m. or midnight. he's my 2 a.m.

yeah I'm letting him go. and right now it's actually easier than I thought. last yr. I didn't. I haven't let him go but I'm. in the middle.

I think. it would be good for me to have another 2 a.m. I just don't know who else would be that willing. [I also don't know a lot of people here in aurora] though I know that there are people like that out there. and obviously there are people out there anyway. and also. w/ my personality [well what most people see not who I actually am] sweet, intelligent, pretty. it's kindof hard not to like me.

but yeah. I do want another 2 a.m. is my point.