Let Your Light Shine in Daydreaming on the Porch

  • Aug. 24, 2020, 4:40 a.m.
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  • Public

It’s been seven months now since Mom passed. I still feel the loss very deeply. The last few months were very hard on me, but despite her dementia she held onto her faith. This is what carried her through. Just two weeks before she died she shocked me by reciting a Bible verse I had just read to her when I asked to tell me what I had just said.

Her Christian faith was indeed very strong and simple, and deeply grounded. She spoke to her children as if we were all of the same mind and had as strong a faith as her. I know she prayed that we did. In her handwritten prayer journal for the year 1993, the only one I’ve been able to find so far, she constantly expresses her gratitude to God for her many blessings, and she told us time and again that her children were her greatest blessings. That was a lot to live up to m, and it also inspired the depth of love then enabled me to cope with the extreme manifestations of dementia I experienced off and on with her for probably the last seven or eight years. It got progressively worse, but by the final year, the storm seemed largely to have passed, and she mostly slept, but when awake she had moments of great lucidity She often said she was ready to “go home” and be with her mama and daddy. She called for them often.

My own faith was strengthened during my years with Mom, but it has followed a very circuitous route. With Mom there was no complex theology to dissect. No doubts, at least as far as I could discern. My tendency has always been to look deeply for more understanding of the Bible and tenets of Christianity, and by that I mean I struggled mightily with doubts and disbelief. This has been both a hindrance and a source of great stimulation and excitement. I’m glad I want to at least try to push the limits of my intellect in all matters of mind and spiritual growth. It hasn’t been easy. I’m fairly sure my mother has had many of the same questions I’ve raised with myself and God, but we never discussed it.

I’ve been reading the great theologian Reinhold Niebuhr’s “The Nature and Destiny of Man” for some time, with great pauses in this ambitious project. I find his work understandable and very profound, but it’s heavy going even as it is quite intellectually stimulating and challenging. I have marked up a lot of the pages I’ve read, but I can’t seem to finish it. I have online college lectures on theology and the gospels, on philosophy and religion and the search for meaning. Also, I have books on Eastern religions and the “secret wisdom of the ages.” I have an insatiable curiosity.

Mom and I were very different in this regard. I seemed to be always looking for more, while she accepted and believed very early on in her life. She maintained a certainty of belief and a capacity for prayer that astonished me.

True, she was 96 and had a lot more years of accumulated wisdom than I did, but still, she was an amazing person of faith and a lot of it can be attributed to her mother, a very devout Methodist. Mom lived her faith, and you could see from her pure and beautiful smile that she was at peace with God and herself. I admired that so much and I was very thankful because it truly helped keep me going as well as her.

I’m glad I’m inquisitive and seek answers to my questions, or question the answers I find, or at least point myself in directions I’ve never gone before. However, there are a lot of basic, fundament truths I’ve discovered in my long and winding Christian faith journey that have penetrated deep down to the core of my being. This comes from reading many of the Psalms; the epistles of Paul in the New Testament, particularly the book of Romans; the beatitudes (it’s all there); and “The Upper Room” devotions which I’ve read pretty consistently for the past 40 years and which contains stories contributed by readers of the magazine. The parables of Jesus offer lessons as relevant today as 2,000 years ago.

Books I am reading include: “A Sacred Primer: The Essential Guide to Quiet Time and Prayer” by Elizabeth Neeld and “The Mystic Vision: Daily Encounters With the Divine” compiled by Andrew Harvey and Ann Baring.

I plan to start reading @God: A Biography” by Jack Miles; UFO’s: God’s Chariots” by Ted Peters and “The Roots of Consciousness” by Jeffrey Mishlove. Also, his video interview series “New Thinking Allowed” is a source of wonder and covers every imaginable topic in parapsychology, mysticism, psychology, and comparative religion.

https://www.youtube.com/c/NewThinkingAllowed

Finally, I didn’t grow up listening to gospel music, but as I’ve gotten older, the words and music of these timeless old songs reverberate with me as they never did when I was younger.

Simple words. Simple music. And amazing voices to sing them: Mahalia Jackson, Aretha Franklin and Elvis Presley.

After seven months of a global pandemic and four years of a seemingly endless political nightmare in Washington, the country and world, while still full of goodness And hope for the future, have dark clouds hanging over them now. I’m glad my mother never saw what this country has become. She was the kind of person while didn’t hide her light but let it shine so others could see it. We need that in people today particularly.

There’s a lot of beauty out there still, and I have a lot to be thankful for: Beautiful and sublime music to listen to; laughing babies and cute dogs and cats on YouTube; unimaginably beautiful photography on Tumblr and Pinterest; more good books than I can ever read; the sound of gentle streams In the forest, sunsets and clouds, friends and family. As Louis Armstrong famously sang, “What a Wonderful World.”

I battled depression for much of my life, but whenever those clouds lifted, as now, I saw the world in a whole new light.

“Precious Lord” Mahalia Jackson

It’s been seven months now since Mom passed. I still feel the loss very deeply. The last few months were very hard on me, but despite her dementia she held onto her faith. This is what carried her through. Just two weeks before she died she shocked me by reciting a Bible verse I had just read to her when I asked to tell me what I had just said.

Her Christian faith was indeed very strong and simple, and deeply grounded. She spoke to her children as if we were all of the same mind and had as strong a faith as her. I know she prayed that we did. In her handwritten prayer journal for the year 1993, the only one I’ve been able to find so far, she constantly expresses her gratitude to God for her many blessings, and she told us time and again that her children were her greatest blessings. That was a lot to live up to m, and it also inspired the depth of love then enabled me to cope with the extreme manifestations of dementia I experienced off and on with her for probably the last seven or eight years. It got progressively worse, but by the final year, the storm seemed largely to have passed, and she mostly slept, but when awake she had moments of great lucidity She often said she was ready to “go home” and be with her mama and daddy. She called for them often.

My own faith was strengthened during my years with Mom, but it has followed a very circuitous route. With Mom there was no complex theology to dissect. No doubts, at least as far as I could discern. My tendency has always been to look deeply for more understanding of the Bible and tenets of Christianity, and by that I mean I struggled mightily with doubts and disbelief. This has been both a hindrance and a source of great stimulation and excitement. I’m glad I want to at least try to push the limits of my intellect in all matters of mind and spiritual growth. It hasn’t been easy. I’m fairly sure my mother has had many of the same questions I’ve raised with myself and God, but we never discussed it.

I’ve been reading the great theologian Rheinhold Niebuhr’s “The Nature and Destiny of Man” for some time, with great pauses in this ambitious project. I find his work understandable and very profound, but it’s heavy going even as it is quite intellectually stimulating and challenging. I have marked up a lot of the pages I’ve read, but I can’t seem to finish it. I have online college lectures on theology and the gospels, on philosophy and religion and the search for meaning. Also, I have books on Eastern religions and the “secret wisdom of the ages.” I have an insatiable curiosity.

Mom and I were very different in this regard. I seemed to be always looking for more, while she accepted and believed very early on in her life. She maintained a certainty of belief and a capacity for prayer that astonished me.

True, she was 96 and had a lot more years of accumulated wisdom than I did, but still, she was an amazing person of faith and a lot of it can be attributed to her mother, a very devout Methodist. Mom lived her faith, and you could see from her pure and beautiful smile that she was at peace with God and herself. I admired that so much and I was very thankful because it truly helped keep me going as well as her.

I’m glad I’m inquisitive and seek answers to my questions, or question the answers I find, or at least point myself in directions I’ve never gone before. However, there are a lot of basic, fundament truths I’ve discovered in my long and winding Christian faith journey that have penetrated deep down to the core of my being. This comes from reading many of the Psalms; the epistles of Paul in the New Testament, particularly the book of Romans; the beatitudes (it’s all there); and “The Upper Room” devotions which I’ve read pretty consistently for the past 40 years and which contains stories contributed by readers of the magazine. The parables of Jesus offer lessons as relevant today as 2,000 years ago.

Books I am reading include: “A Sacred Primer: The Essential Guide to Quiet Time and Prayer” by Elizabeth Neeld and “The Mystic Vision: Daily Encounters With the Divine” compiled by Andrew Harvey and Ann Baring.

I plan to start reading “God: A Biography” by Jack Miles; UFO’s: God’s Chariots” by Ted Peters; and “The Roots of Consciousness” by Jeffrey Mishlove. Also, his video interview series “New Thinking Allowed” covers almost every topic you can think of in parapsychology, mysticism, psychology, and comparative religion.

https://www.youtube.com/c/NewThinkingAllowed

Finally, I didn’t grow up listening to gospel music, but as I’ve gotten older, the words and music of these timeless old songs reverberate with me as they never did when I was younger.

Simple words. Simple music. And amazing voices to sing them: Mahalia Jackson, Aretha Franklin and Elvis Presley.

After seven months of a global pandemic and four years of a seemingly endless political nightmare in Washington, the country and world, while still full of goodness And hope for the future, have dark clouds hanging over them now. I’m glad my mother never saw what this country has become. She was the kind of person who didn’t hide her light, but let it shine so others could see it. We need that in people today particularly.

There’s a lot of beauty out there still, and I have a lot to be thankful for: Beautiful and sublime music to listen to; laughing babies and cute dogs and cats on YouTube; unimaginably beautiful photography on Tumblr and Pinterest; more good books than I can ever read; the sound of gentle streams In the forest, sunsets and clouds, friends and family. As Louis Armstrong famously sang, “What a Wonderful World.”

I battled depression for much of my life, but whenever those clouds lifted, as now, I saw the world in a whole new light.

“Precious Lord” Mahalia Jackson

“I Believe” Elvis Presley

“Consolation” by Michael Dulin

A forest stream

The gift of mirth and innocence

Isa and Hugo


Last updated August 24, 2020


A Pedestrian Wandering August 24, 2020

Like you, I am insatiable in my interest in matters of the spirit. While I believe everyone's path must be their own, still I won't be surprised if we are all headed in the same direction.

ConnieK A Pedestrian Wandering ⋅ August 24, 2020

Amen to your last sentence. Exactly what I believe.

ODSago ConnieK ⋅ August 26, 2020

Me, too!

Oswego A Pedestrian Wandering ⋅ August 25, 2020

All of us who are sincere seekers will find the path we are meant to be on. How and if we can will that, I’m not sure.

Telstar August 24, 2020

My mother also looked for her parents during her last year or so.

And you've touched upon the basic tenet of religion. It's faith. It's not logic or rationale or anything else.

Oswego Telstar ⋅ August 25, 2020

Yes, I agree, but I think faith can also be strengthened by thinking hard about it and understanding it to some limited degree. Using our minds, that is. Not rationales. That’s not necessary.

ODSago Oswego ⋅ August 26, 2020

I have come to think that "religion" is better understood by me as a life as being a matter of philosophy. So many of us are going in the same direction but beneath different names and directions, as mentioned before in your notes..

ConnieK August 24, 2020

I think most Baby Boomers strayed from the church because it was boring. I find the non-denominational churches are forward thinkers.
The death of a mother causes much reflection. At first, the tears are bittersweet, with the taste of grief, but they eventually become sweet, cherished memories that get carried forward in your heart and actions. Be well.

Oswego ConnieK ⋅ August 25, 2020

They are already sweet memories, more so every day. Thank you for these supportive words.

mcbee August 24, 2020

All good choices. Take the time to read and watch these uplifting things while you have it. Love the music.

Oswego mcbee ⋅ August 25, 2020

I’m glad you liked the music. To me those videos are quite uplifting!

gypsy spirit August 24, 2020 (edited August 24, 2020)

Edited

several of those beautiful songs, Armstrong, Jackson and Presley's. are very familiar to me also, and I love them. I grew up in Christian faith ( dad was a minister) but struggled with many unanswered questions( I have always been a questioner as well) and certain contradictions that confused me. My parents stayed strong in their faith but disillusioned when a teen I eventually discovered after much searching the Bahai Faith to which I have belonged for over 30 years now...it answered so much and the best part was that it taught 'independent investigation of Truth'...also we have no clergy so one's personal responsibility to study and develop without taught dogma is a bonus. I am glad you too are an enquirer and encourage you to continue your search but I hope you don't just seek through the one channel you know.....the various spiritual truths revealed to humanity through history through founders of all major religions lead to the same end. For myself I have gained so much understanding, courage and personal development in these latter years and enables me to see the world in a different way to many. I am glad you opened up this subject, and hope you find what you seek.
BTW I recently logged an entry with many photos, including some
lovely Rhododendrons that I took especially for you. I hope you enjoy those too...go see. Stay well and safe, p

Oswego gypsy spirit ⋅ August 24, 2020

My friend, I am so happy you found the Baha’i Faith. It has met your needs spiritually. I, too, greatly value independent thinking. I find that Christianity is quite wide open and has many ways of interpreting and coming to the truths about God. I respect all people of different religions and beliefs because we who sincerely seek Truth are all on the same path to Ultimate union with God or enlightenment, Nirvana or communion with the Universal Being and cause of all things, which I believe is a personal God. I happen to believe that I can communicate directly with God in ways I am not even aware of.

But I have questions and doubts and I will keep asking questions. That is why I am so fascinated by the interviews of Jeffrey Mishlove. He and his guests open so many doors to knowledge of parapsychology, mysticism and comparative religion. You might be interested in checking him out on YouTube.

I wanted to write this as an introductory entry to further posts about my spiritual quest. You have been reading my diary for a long time, and so you may recall my references to depression and the role that has played in my coming to God. I want to explore that and more issues. In this time of pandemic, and as I get older, I want to think and write more and more on these topics and share my ideas and beliefs with others and get their comments, as I have so enjoyed and been enlightened by yours for so long now.

I will go look at the flower photos. Rhododendrons are exquisitely beautiful. I am looking forward to seeing them.

Marg August 25, 2020

What a beautiful piece of music that Consolation piece is! Thank you so much for posting it :)

Jinn August 26, 2020

Like you I have an insatiable curiosity and am a constant seeker into the spiritual.

Oswego Jinn ⋅ August 26, 2020

And it seems the older I get, the more curious and inquisitive I become about “seeing the light.”

Jinn Oswego ⋅ August 26, 2020

Me too. I can not read enough .

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