Emotional Spew in Book Seven: Reconstruction 2020

So, I get that what I am saying is Emotional Chris and not Intellectual Chris. I get that Intellectual Chris likely finds this whole thing quite beneath us. But Emotional Chris has to speak just to get the words out.

Tuesday, I spent the day with Victoria and her son and that evening Remus and their daughter came over as well.
Wednesday, I spent the evening with Victoria.
Thursday, I spent the evening with Nancy.
Saturday, I spent the entire day with Remus and Victoria and their children.
Sunday, I expect to be playing DDO with Victoria, Remus, and several others.

And it was fun, don’t get me wrong. Tuesday was great. Wednesday was great. And Saturday was fun! Sunday should be a blast, too. But… it trips this silent part in my head.

I’m “the lonely guy the family took in”. I’m “the uncle that needs to be around other people.” I’m the odd one out. Family Unit… plus Chris. And it isn’t even about the complications presented by whatever you call what Victoria and I may or may not be up to. If the people that were the closest to me was “Entire Family” I would still feel off. Though, in truth… in the alternate universe version of all this where there is no flirting or sexual tension w/Victoria… part of feeling off would be due to feeling like I was imposing. So at least I don’t have to feel like I’m imposing. Y’know. Just… feel like I’m the odd man out. Like when we’re walking somewhere it’s… Husband, Wife, Their Children, Random Extra Adult.

And then… honestly? When you do add in the extra bit with Victoria?? I mean… then I actually feel even more like the odd man out. Because I’m not “husband” and I’m not “boyfriend” as those roles are already taken. Essentially I am “Good friend she is attracted to and pities so she’s willing to throw me physical affection up to and including sex.” And here’s the thing: I’m okay with that.

But the issue? There’s this little vine-weed of a dark thought that takes seed and begins to grow and then curls itself around my mind. What if that’s all you can get? I mean… at the rate I’m going… Nancy will be re-married before I get my first actual date out of Dating Apps. I would have said, “Decent, repeated conversation” because that is LIKELY but the date issue is probably more accurate. And the specific phrasing is important. Because yes, I am bringing attention to my 1,000% failure in any and all Dating Apps; but I am also bringing attention to Nancy’s success. Because that’s part of it, despite the logical brain knowing better. Nancy is a woman and women have infinitely more “right swipes” than men (I did actually look this up to make sure it wasn’t just me and my biases). Add to that, Nancy is a woman that had sex with a Dating App “b/f” within three weeks of knowing him. So logically I should never compare my dating app experience to hers. But it is rather difficult not to when you consider the fact that I spent 15 years being told by this woman through her words and deeds that I “wasn’t good enough” and find myself deeply struggling to find someone interested in me. Bringing us full circle back to the root; because the response to that last sentence would be “But Victoria is interested in you!” But… is she? Like… sure, friend and adding in physical… that’s a thing that we’re doing. And it is a thing I am grateful for! But that’s all that it is. I don’t “have a date for a wedding” or “someone who can/will sleep over” or “someone to do silly romantic things with.” In some ways, honestly, Victoria is a reverse Nancy. While Nancy only wanted my support emotionally and financially… Victoria only wants my friendship and sexual exchange. And I’m not saying I’d get married to the next person that dated me or anything. But I would certainly like to generate interest. I mean… I feel like I’m being greedy with that request. There’s a woman who cares about me and is willing to “date me” and “fuck me”; just be thankful. But it isn’t a woman I could “visit family” with nor is it a woman I could “invite over and fall asleep with.” And the “dating” thing isn’t… what I would want/hope it to be. Like… I could, already got approval from her, when COVID has left us alone more… schedule an all-day date where we travel to Des Moines and get massages and have a nice dinner before driving back. But… the way that would go would mean I couldn’t bring her to visit my parents, we couldn’t have any public displays of affection, and after dinner I would drop her off at home to her husband. THAT’S WHAT IT IS… just figured it out:

The whole thing feels too much like Practice Girlfriend which… may be what I need, honestly… but if that’s all I can get- THAT is why the whole thing makes me feel a bit down. THAT’s what’s going on. I’m doing “borrow a family” with them because I don’t have my own; and I’m doing “Practice Girlfriend” with her while failing to generate any legitimate interest in me from those who could be Real Girlfriends. That’s what’s bugging me.