memories... in Weight Loss Surgery

I went back to the entries from when I had the hand foot and mouth issue.

I still look at my hands now and am amazed that they look normal.

My hands and feet got swollen and full of itchy red bumps underneath my skin. Every crease of my hands and feet felt like paper cuts. My palms felt sun burnt. I could barely walk or hold a cup.

The bumps spread to my face and it looked like I splattered hot oil on myself. My tongue felt burned. My tonsils were white with pus.

My hand and feet bumps didn’t open and ooze but my face ones did. Like boils all over my face. Like a pox victim. I looked like a fucking monster.

After a week everything started to dry out and peel.
I literally peeled my entire hands and feet off. Including the fingers and toes.
Not a thin layer either like a sunburn.
Thick layer of skin gone - on the other hand my heels were never softer. Felt like a baby!

Also my nails came off - My big toe nails are not the same.

I never took a picture of my face but I did take a picture of my hands. And I sometimes reflect on how BAD it was. How I never thought the spots would go away.
Even after my body peeled the spots were still there like faded scars and I thought I would have to live like that forever. I was trying to come to grips with the fact that I would be forever changed.

And now I look at my palms and they’re perfectly fine and I breathe a sigh of relief.

I know in this age of Covid there many people going through worse than this. I mean, I was no where near losing my life - but there must be some moment that every one thought was going to entirely wreck them and then, a year later they’re on the other side and they can’t even believe they lived through it.

Also at this time Will hurt his back - forget how. So we were both laid up and I was terrified he’d catch what I got. I really don’t know HOW he didn’t get it.

Anyway, it’s just reminded me how my own hands are a reminder of how grateful I should be for my health.

I know I’m obese and diabetic but I don’t feel as bad as I should. Like, there are people my weight and height who are guess don’t have the muscle or bone strength and are in pain when they walk. Or out of breath to walk a parking lot.

Yes getting on an airplane is always scary cause I don’t wanna ask for an extender seatbelt and if you’re sitting next to me you don’t really get an armrest which ISN’T fair - I totally get it but also there’s nothing I can do about it in that moment. And NO I don’t even attempt running cause I did hurt my knee just last summer and I don’t like to sweat.

So it’s like, it’s not like I don’t “feel” fat - I just don’t feel unhealthy and I’m grateful.

Tomorrow I go for the endoscopy. As long as they don’t see anything weird like a hernia or a lot of acid reflux I should be “approved” for surgery. BUT since there’s at least a 6 month wait (insurance requirement) I won’t get any sort of surgery date until January. And that’s IF covid doesn’t delay everything.

I’m not really worried about it, I just want the surgery to be over and done with. Take my stomach please!

OH did I mention I got the covid test?
Had to wait an hour for it. Would have been a three hour wait if I got the rapid test.

I was SO NERVOUS because there were other sick people around!!! People with sore throats, breathing issue - people who had been on planes.

I was so fucking scared.

The test was really fast and it didn’t “hurt” but it did burn in your nose like you breathed in water and did make my eyes water.

I’m waiting for the results but luckily I feel fine. IF I got covid at all I feel like I got it from the office itself lol.

I mean everyone was spaced and the sanitizer and all that but I was AROUND unhealthy people.

I didn’t wait in the car cause I didn’t know the wait would be so long!

Last updated December 20, 2020