The Constant Problem in Book Seven: Reconstruction 2020

Emotions versus Intellect.

Intellectually, I know that I’m awesome. Truly, I am a catch and any woman would be blessed to be with me. Consider it. I have a stable full time job that pays me north of 50k. I come from money so that even if there were an interruption of finances, I wouldn’t see Day 1 of poverty. I am a kind, compassionate, attentive individual. I am excellent with children and wish to be a father; though do not have any children of my own at present. I have a mortgage and less than 1k in Credit Card debt; both of which could be resolved quickly if needed.... other than that I have no debt or financial burdens. I do not have a criminal record and have never touched narcotics. I am, in all the ways that matter, a good catch.

That’s the mind.

Apparently, emotions rule. Because Saturday and Sunday I had intended to have “one or two drinks” but instead… got pretty much blackout drunk. Because the emotions take over.

Emotionally? I’m fucked. Nancy clearly doesn’t give a shit about me… our ENTIRE marriage proves that quite clearly. Like… if she faked giving a shit and consented to sex once a month; we probably wouldn’t have gotten to this place. But I wasn’t even worth THAT. Except in order to NOT go to court… Nancy needs to sign a piece of paper that says she consents to the Separation. THIS ISN’T EVEN ABOUT THE DIVORCE PROPER! Just the Separation! Y’know… the thing that hasn’t happened yet but Nancy is still dating around and fucking other guys? While still in every legal way being married!! So… she needs to do that. And she won’t. She hasn’t. She’s had that paper for 2 weeks now. Court is scheduled for August 21st. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! And the answer is obvious. She’s finally discovered her “perfect situation.” All the benefits of being married to me without any of the “disgusting” downsides. She can benefit from my friendship, my understanding, my financial support… but she doesn’t have to see me or even consider the horror of having sex with me. In fact, since she’s received that paper? I haven’t seen her. She’s come over to see the dog, do her laundry, watch TV… but she’s always gone by the time I come home. So… that’s my wife. Then, turning to Dating Apps… Tinder remains a black hole of misery. And now I’ve added OKC to the world of shit. Why OKC? Because Remus and Victoria have oodles of success there. Me? Not so much. So… married people trolling OKC for dates, sex, play partners… they have no problems. A guy trying to have a conversation, go on some dates, see what experiences are out there? Fucked. No, the best I can do is essentially what amounts to “sex therapy.” That’s how I’m approaching the thing with Victoria, btw. She’s got a husband. She’s got a boyfriend. Our :thing: isn’t supposed to have any type of romantic feelings attached. This is just a good friend helping me out. And I fully acknowledge without hesitation, that I need the help. I do. But emotionally it just… it’s part of the bigger picture. I fully appreciate having friends like Victoria and Remus because I don’t have to go through all the emotional labor at work by myself. I can at least have friends that distract me or entertain me or care about me… so that my life isn’t solely the job. And I do acknowledge that. But as far as close intimacy… someone for whom I can do romantic things… someone who would actually want my heart? Not so much.

And these thoughts pester. Invade. Infest. And I can’t simply blot them out by saying “Once COVID isn’t a threat, things will get better.” BECAUSE THE UNITED STATES IS HANDLING COVID TERRIBLY!!! New Zealand? 100 days without a new case. USA? 162 thousand deaths and climbing. The United States makes up 25% of the world’s cases and 22% of all of the deaths. COVID will be a threat in this country into the foreseeable future. The nebulous “when COVID isn’t a threat” brings NO succor. The way things are going? Fuck thoughts of “going to the movies, restaurant, or bar”… Thanksgiving and Christmas are pretty much going to be cancelled. Like… can’t visit family, spending the holidays completely fucking solo in my own house. And that is the worst horseshit of all. I’m in a shitty situation of my own making (divorce) and that is being heavily fucked with by a situation of nobodies making (covid) but that situation is being heavily fucked with by a situation that is absolutely Trump and Asshat’s fault!

And that is how “one or two” becomes… problematic. Because as intellectually clear about things as I am? I’m drowning in my emotions. And I can’t even get lawyers to call me back about initiating the divorce!

So that’s where I am. Handling a giant heap of sexual assault cases. Getting DAILY calls of people saying “Yeah, I was speeding. But he only pulled me over because I was black. Do the right thing and dismiss the ticket!” A wife that is actively avoiding me while also avoiding the one little action needed for our separation. A world where I can’t even visit my family (or I can, but my brother would be FURIOUS to know I visited the parents). It’s just… I get to swim in the muck of the worst shit that the local community has. The local community that is anti-mask, COVID is a liberal Hoax, Stop Hating Trump bullshit. The closest I get to any positive emotional feedback is when I get to play pretend by visiting Victoria and the kids while Remus is on a date. And I’ll be honest… I have to be “strong” at work. I have to be “strong” in public. If I want to cry, I have to do it alone where others won’t happen upon me.

I hate being alone.