What do I want? in Journal

I think about the areas in my life that I am too passive. I am tired of mentally berating my “mother”. I am growing weary of it. Does that mean I am done? Close to done? Perhaps.
I think of everyone who starts down a path but quits before they’re finished. Well, everyone who ever thought they were done is part of this group. So, will I ever be done disapproving of my mom? No… not really. To internalize my hate and anger for her is to motivate myself to be better, to do better.
And so, now that I feel tired of hating her, I find myself turning to my relationship with my son. I turn to experiencing my own motherhood. From what I see, feel, experience, I know there is a lot to improve.
I think about the ways in which I am not forward thinking enough- the ways in which I just wait and see. A lot of this is translated through my feelings. When my son sat up by himself for the first time- it was totally unexpected! It was a (joyous) surprise, a true celebration of his newfound skill and ability.
In a way, I was merely a passive observer of his accomplishment.
I felt that, perhaps I should be thinking of his needs surrounding his future goals. Of course many of those goals are fixed through biology and physiology- he will grow and begin scooching, then crawling, then standing, then walking, and all that. Eventually, though, he will begin individuating himself from the basic template of the human being. He will become his very own, very unique, very individual, autonomous self.
I recognize that this thought or concept never once passed through my mother’s mind. And, I don’t know what it will look like to support his development into himself. What does he need from me? What kind of nurturing and guidance and security, and basic humanity will he require in order to accomplish the most fundamental task of becoming fully human?
In what ways do I need to change in order to provide those things?
For one, I need to become more empathetic and more sympathetic to his needs, wants, and preferences. I have already begun that process, but I know there is so much more to do.
Part of that process is damning and hating the way that I was treated. I must have anger for the violations that I experienced; that is empathy for myself. I can’t fundamentally create empathy for anyone else before I empathize with myself. If I were to simply cave; If I were to forgive my mother for what she did, I would be devaluing my own experience to such an extent that true empathy will never be possible.
And that’s the trap.

Don’t dwell on the past, they say.
It isn’t healthy to hold onto all that anger, they tell me.

But, you cannot protect and provide for children in this world without RAGE.
Because, you will lose.
When you walk into a room and find a 200lb grown man beating his bare assed daughter with a belt… what will you feel? Will you feel horrified, outraged, perhaps a little sick? Will you allow these justified emotions to spur you into action?
Or, will you bury them and apologize for interrupting, closing the door on that scene, and walk into the other room to play some music to drown out the screaming?