Inside Out in Weight Loss Surgery

I haven’t seen that movie since it first came out in theaters but I was up way too late last night and it came to be that I’m the “happy” emotion in the movie.

And you might think that’s great but part of the movie was that nobody can be happy all the time. You have to feel and express sadness, and anger, and worry. It’s just human nature to have all those emotions but I truly do try to push them all back and just be happy - and maybe that isn’t exactly the key for me or anyone else.

One of the latest talks I had with my sister, like the day before her divorce was finalized she kind of got on me for being too… positive. She is in a shitty situation and she just wants to feel shitty.

No one can be happy and positive ALL the time or if comes off as fake. She wasn’t calling “me” fake she was just saying no one is 100% positive all the time.

I think I give off a persona to everyone, even family, that I am positive like 95% percent of the time. And I’ve actually worked hard to lessen the sadness and worry in my life.

Shitty things happen to me too, things I really only tell you guys and sometimes Will. I don’t tell my mom and sister every bad day I’ve had. So it’s kinda like Instagram. I only show them the good times in my life and they think I have no bad times! I’ve sometimes thought my own sister is jealous of me - mainly because a child has brought so much stress to her life and I look like I never have any.

I don’t want to come off as fake - I just don’t want to burden anyone. And I guess that comes from my mom being So Stressed when I was young that I didn’t feel comfortable burdening her with my worries. I had normal kid stuff going on, fights with friends, embarrassing moments, crushes on boys, but I never told my mom. My mom also has a quick temper and it’s kinda like Will in the way that sometimes I didn’t know what I could share with her because I didn’t know if she’d be mad…

I don’t let people comfort or help me. Maybe i didn’t get that the times I did show my sadness, fear, or anger and learned to live without it.

I’m not boo hooing about that - I like keeping things private and am glad I’m not the person that overshares everything. And I’m glad at my ability to pick myself up. But your family and friends are SUPPOSED to be the people you overshare with. And I don’t really do that - which I guess is why this journal is So Important.

I need to hash my thoughts out and get advice / opinions but I don’t go to my family and friends for it.

Anyway, after that talk with my sis - the next time we talked I totally told her. I know you feel sucky, this situation sucks. I didn’t try to “glitter the turd” as one of my favorite youtubers says. I didn’t try to make pretty a shitty situation.

I think my main worry is that I don’t want anyone I love to DWELL in a negative state. Because I really DO believe that your thoughts ARE things and I don’t want negativity to be drawn to someone I love because it’s what’s on their mind all the time.

But I guess I don’t know how long is the right amount of time to actually let yourself be sad or angry. Cause I’m always trying to whip those emotions away as soon as I feel them.

I feel like this is kind of a breakthrough for me to be ok with not feeling ok - even though other people may have totally gotten this lesson already. My sister has, she is ok with not feeling ok. But I don’t know if she understands how it makes her family feel to see her not feeling ok BUT she’s gotta work through the not ok parts on her own.

That’s also part of my lesson for when I snapped on her like a month ago, I can’t remember.
She was dwelling in her shit, or I felt like she was, and I was trying to advise her on how to get out and when she didn’t take it I snapped.

was trying to get her out of a place that she needed to work through on her own. I can’t take away her life experiences. I can’t wall paper positivity over her life so she doesn’t deal with it - as much as I feel like I want to save her, she has to experience this and learn on her own.

And I don’t means she has to “learn a lesson” like this is her punishment or karma or something. I just mean that tough times happen for people to learn and grow. Sadness and Anger have a place in everyone’s life.

I don’t even like typing that because I don’t want anyone to feel those thing but those emotions teach lessons too. Lesson’s to make people a better human being.

When someone dies, when someone breaks your heart, you have to grieve.
When someone treats you unfairly, when someone intentionally tries to hurt you, you need to have that fiery anger within you to fight back.
You need to trust your gut, you need to feel all the feelings.

And I need to let my loved ones feel them.

So yesterday when Will told me his blood work was messed up AGAIN and he needs to get ANOTHER blood test and he was fucking pissed off about it I agreed with him. It does suck, it does seem unfair that he’s had so many issues along the way of this process. I’d be mad too if I had to do it over again.

I didn’t wall paper over by saying:
No use in getting mad, if the doc says you have to do it, you have to do it
It will be short and painless
It’s one more step to getting you towards the surgery
blah blah blah
everything I wanted to say to get him past the anger of the mistake our doctor’s office or the lab made - I don’t really know who’s to blame

So we talked for a minute about how shitty it all is and then - because I can’t help myself - I did talk about how we’re really lucky insurance covers this surgery and we don’t have to consider going to mexico like many other people do and that by this time next year we’ll be really happy with our decision to go forward with this.
And he agreed.

So I got to put a little positivity in there but AFTER I let him be angry.

I don’t know which of us holds grudges more.
After Our big fight a few weeks ago when he started bringing up EVERY little thing I ever did to upset him - I realize that I never let him really be angry about those things.
He was hurt - even if I find it silly, he was hurt.
And instead of saying - I’m sorry I made you feel that way. I hardly ever say sorry! I’ve been saying all along that he shouldn’t ever feel that way. And I was to ignore it and I want him to get over it.

Somehow I have to figure out a way to let him know that I accept him being angry about things I’ve done. Maybe that will truly get him over it so he can stop bringing it up every fight.

I’m gonna watch inside out today and I’m sure it will totally resonate with what I’m saying right now. That I am that “happy” character - but I have to space for the other emotions too.

How will I do that for myself - I dunno.

I never really cry in front of Will. He’s cried in front of me literally hundreds of times. And I’m a cry baby - I really am - but I become kinda stone and can’t cry in front of someone who i think will benefit from it.
Like when Will yells at me and I know he’s trying to get a reaction out I tighten up - even the tear ducts lol. I’ll cry for hours after he’s gone but I don’t “give” him the tears he’s looking for in the moment.

Maybe I need to cry when I’m sad. Maybe I need to cry for other things.

I cry over my sister’s divorce and Emma often actually. But I don’t when I’m talking to him about it.

I almost feel like if I allow myself to cry I’ll cry over everything.

I’m also worried that people will use it to hurt me. Like I can totally picture Will calling me a “cry baby” if I cry in front of him as much as I might like to.
At our last fight after he wouldn’t apologize the same day I told him I’d just wait for him to cry and apologize tomorrow.
I made fun of his crying. And that’s really mean. Especially to do to a guy, esp. a guy like Will that doesn’t want to seem weak or feminine. That’s prob part of where his anger comes from. Yelling so he won’t cry but the next day he’s always sorry and cries - or well most of the time he’s sorry the next day.

Oh well - big breakthroughs in the middle of the night - self awareness all over the place.

After all that you deserve a laugh.

I had a dream the asshole was a literal talking gorilla and he was in my sister’s house and went to sit on a dining room chair and completely broke the damn thing. Just fell to the floor sitting in a pile of wood.

It wasn’t funny when I dreamt it - I was mad at him - but when I told my sister it made her laugh and then, thinking about it again it now makes me laugh.

Last updated December 20, 2020