he saved me and yet i. don't trust him. *evan/relationships* in The Wonderland Years: 2014. Done.

yeah so um. for those uninformed [which I think is most everyone who reads tthis. I don't talk about it much] almost a yr ago I. lost my battle w/ anorexia.

and then I came back.

Evan was there that night. he saved me even though he. really didn't actually do a whole lot. I don't remember much of what happened and in a way thank god. 1 I don't want to and B i'm not ready to. right. now.

he did a lot in the following days though.

but now almost like I said a yr later. I don't trust him entirely. and he was someone I trusted w/ my life cause well. I didn't really have that much of a choice then.

yeah. it's a weird feeling.

actually that's not why I don't trust him. no I don't trust him now cause A he apparently maybe um. cheated on me back then. which I didn't really pay much attention to at the time since there was so much else going on. yeah I remember that day. he's like 'there's something I need to tell you' or some such thing 'I have some bisexual tendencies.......' he didn't say anything after that but I knew what he was getting at.

[and I say 'maybe' cause we were in one of those undefined unofficial relationships. neither one of us cared at the time to define it. However when he was on the phone w/ someone he referred to me as his girlfriend, so. also i think the above paragraph goes more towards the side of us being in a relationship than not. and then. May happened. but that's another ballpark].

I've never been cheated on before. and I've never done that myself. like, I've wanted to.

yeah. he was my rebound guy. a fact I've never admitted until now. but I've known for awhile. and I've never had that before.

also. ya know last yr was supposed to be 'the year'. by which I mean. the yr er. yr 1 of recovery from being sexually traumatised. and it wasn't bc again. of all the other things going on. it was supposed to be the yr of fukin hypervigilance. and such. [which yes A sucks and 2 also becomes an inconvenience but is also good for people. er me. I don't know about others. the 2nd time it took. a yr. and the 1st I really don't remember].

evan he. he had a high sex drive at the time and I didn't like that. I've told him this he knows this but he didn't ya know apologise for that. er for the way I felt about it rather. I really don't know if he's usually that way. i've never asked him.